Dorienne's Log

Tired today…very, very tired, but it is nearly the end of the week.

My great aunt, it seems has Alzheimer’s and she has to be put in a nursing home.

I made my grandmother go crazy with worry by telling her the specifics of what happened when my mother fell off a goddamn ladder trying to paint the basement ceiling and broke her tooth, by her hitting her jaw, in the process.

I made both my mother and grandmother feel terrible when, upon seeing the nice warm slippers Grandma got my mother for her birthday, I said that Grandma loves her more than me, causing Grandma to send $20 of her fixed income to me for no real reason. I don’t even need it….

My cousin is trying to get pregnant, and the fact that she’s having difficulties and the fact that my other aunt could not have kids and the fact that my own mother had trouble having kids, which is why I’m an only child, makes me feel sad and depressed about knowing, if (IF) I ever find someone and get married, the possibility of not being able to have children of my own is very real.

I think I’m sick and Denzel Washington and Jodie Foster, my two favorite actors in the entire world, are starring in a movie together and I’m stressed that when I go see it this, it’s opening weekend, it will be terrible and I’ll have to feel different about the pair of them.

Spring break is almost over and haven’t done anything more than I’ve done earlier. I don’t even feel relaxed, just exhausted. The stress of school and graduation and finding a job and my family and my friends and the lack of having anyone in my life is starting to weigh on me like those stupid anti-smoking commercials with the squished kids.

I am happy, metaphorically speaking, about something that shouldn’t concern me and even if it went down, I would still get over it. Even if we could make it work, it still wouldn’t work and yet I still get stressed over the idea of it.

All my friends are going out tonight, to get nice and wasted and yet I have to be in bed by midnight so that I can be up and six-fucking-o’clock in the morning to spend another day at a job earning $13.40 an hour and contemplating my future, all the while wondering if any of this is worth it.

I wish I were a different person. I wish I was taller, thinner, smarter, prettier, more religious, happier, more energetic, lighter or darker or just all the same complexion all over, had less acne, was in love someone who loved me, had an all black kitten that I could call either Hermione or Puppy and not be allergic. I wish I were a writer, a teacher, pianist, cellist, violinist, web designer, better flutist, singer, runner or simply an athlete all together. I wish I could turn 25 and stay there forever. I wish I could sit and watch my favorite movies all day long and never tire of them. I wish I could eat anything covered in Alfredo sauce and never get full or sick from it. I wish that all sweet things would stay sweet and pretty things stay pretty, that people never died or grew old or sick of one another. I wish I knew for certain if there was a heaven or hell or an after life or if life was the real hell and I’ll be doomed to keep living this evil circle over and over until I am amongst those alive when the rapture occurs, or when the sun starts to die and I have to make the choice of either staying behind on the earth to be burned away by the dying sun or leave the one I love, because at least hopefully in one of my lives, I’ll be in love, and hop on the last of the space shuttles leaving the earth in search of a new planet to inhabit and destroy.

I wish I had the strength to remember where I was going with this post.

And, I’m so very tired.

Oh, my poor Xanga….it’s been days….

Yesterday, I finally started my ‘plain-paper-pencil’ write of the first Luka book. I am calling it Sounds of Revolution for now, but who knows what it will be when I finally finish.

It’s been so long since I wrote, really wrote a new novel for the first time. I’m not in a re-write phase at all, it’s just straight creative and it gives me this rush that I could only compare to some drug akin to coke or heroin. It’s magical and I hate that there aren’t more hours in the day so that I could write for some eight hours then get a good night’s rest, then go to work at Anheuser, bright and early…..When the ideas really start flowing, the only thing that irritates me is that my hands won’t move fast enough to keep up with the thoughts coming from me.

On other notes, I can’t believe they are getting married. If you don’t have money to buy a ring, you don’t have the money, or sense, to get married less than a year when you first started dating, but all that’s besides the point.

I’m worried that he’s getting married and it makes me aggravated with myself. I don’t want him even though I did years ago, but thinking about it now makes me seriously fret about it. Why? I could never been with him; we’re not as close now, but the thought of it makes my heart skip a beat. And why be so ambiguous about it…..God, I have to know! I think I’ll ask every single day until I get an answer. At least then I can start to make my peace about it.

If he is, I hope I’m not invited. I don’t think I could sit through that wedding…..not without doing something really ridiculous.