My iPhone slipped on some haphazardly laying items on my kitchen table and crashed upon the kitchen tiles.

I can replay the moment over and over in my head and, each time it plays in slow motion as the single most important object in my life hit the floor and cracked. It is still very usable and I’ve a trip to the Apple store planned for tomorrow/this morning, but carrying my broken phone today got me really thinking about how society places such high regard on these items.

I’ve only had my iPhone since October 2009 and yet it is rarely out of reach, replacing my planner, my heavy bibles, my notepaper and pens, my alarm clock, my camera and, for a short time, my books (that is, until Kindle came and saved the day on Christmas!). This small device quickly became everything and the crack in it’s face has placed a major crack in my life, but there’s really no reason for it.

During the milliseconds of panic, when I thought my phone and it’s data had been lost forever, I imagined trying to go through life without my iPhone; never knowing what time it is, never able to update my Facebook status at a moment’s notice, never able to text and receive texts throughout the day…never able to get to the next level on Stick Wars. The problem is that, not so long ago, there wasn’t even an iPhone in existence and not so long before that, it was plausible that not everyone and (literally) their grandmother had a cellphone at all.

I remember a time when I was not afraid to leave my house without my phone, and could even go for a whole afternoon, or even a whole day without needing it. Today, however, I wondered vaguely if I could even risk going outside with my phone simply cracked.

I’ll concede that times today are slightly different than ten years ago. Ten years ago, things such as land-lines existed in every house and it was not expected that everyone have their cells ready at a moment notice for any trouble or mildly amusing event in their lives. Nowadays, I find myself staring at a wall jack, unsure of its purpose or wondering, “why is that ethernet outlet so small?” and my thoughts tend turn towards the flow of a witty or eloquent Facebook update.

All of this leads me wondering…when did become so dependent on something so small? Just the other night, I was driving around lost in a thunderstorm and my iPhone saved me; a few taps in Google Maps and I just had to follow the blinking dot on home. But, surely, I’ve been lost in thunderstorms previously and still found my way? Surely, before the advent of iPhones and smartphones in general, there were methodologies in place that allowed mankind to think things through to completion and operate without depending on something other than their wit and their wiles to get them through the day?

I love my iPhone. I’ve said multiple times and in multiple ways, but all this dependence…all of this lackadaisical living…all of this wandering without wondering…

Well, it feels a little cracked.

I experienced an incident yesterday that happened several months earlier in a similar fashion and, once again, found myself…for lack of a better word: pleased to find that Christ had delivered me from myself yet again.

I have a way of getting ahead of myself, allowing my emotions to take control of my tongue (or in this case, my typing fingers) to the point that I can no longer muster the common sense needed to interact with the rest of the world. To put it simply, when I hear or read something I don’t like, I sometimes respond before taking stock of what I’m saying and what the ramifications of saying could be.

Several months ago, I found myself in a situation where I thought I could not handle the people around me and was just about to say something abrupt and simply mean before exiting the scene, but Christ stifled my voice for just long enough for the situation to work out by itself and leave me looking and feeling like the person I’ve always been rather than the mean and embittered person who tries to come out every now and again. Yesterday, I once again was saved from myself.

Sarcasm is my preferred mode of interacting with others; people always seem to remember the witty, sarcastic girl they had met the previous day. While this can have it’s ups and downs, I know I can definitely “dish out” much more than I can take in return. When I allowed a series of witty snips to really get to me, instead of relying on my own sarcastic quips to take away the minor hurt, I prepared to retort with something that was downright arrogant and mean. In other words, I was prepared to be completely unlike myself in a minute of subdued rage over being incapable of bringing a “comeback” soon enough. The amazing thing is, I actually completed my rant and forwarded it for my quarry to see. It was only after the fact, when I didn’t receive an immediate response, that I took the time to re-read what I had written and realized that what I said could have been the very thing that ruined my friendship with this person. But, then God stepped in for me.

Even though I’d sent my message, it wasn’t read; we sarcastic run in the same circles and my recipient didn’t wait for a response, and so, my mean epithets were never even seen. The words I’d said were harsh and rude and make me feel ashamed, but it’s moments like these that help me realize that I have to work hard to keep that mean, embittered person from taking over my life again.

Christ has always shielded me, to the point of almost spoiling me. He spoils me with the people around me and He spoils me with gifts as well. I just find it rather amusing that God can find a moment out of infinite time to step in and save myself from augmenting or harming the blessings that lie in wait for me.

I haven’t done much this week. The rents are in Italy and threatening to bring me back jars of air and “Italian” ice as souvenirs. I am feeling much better though; surprise, surprise. Hopefully, since this is all behind me for the month, I can get a good start on tomorrow. The next time I go to the doctor, I will definitely ask about this. There’s no way it can be normal.

Today is I’ve spent working on the website, and I’ll figure out what to do with Bartleby tomorrow. He’ll be fine in the cup in which he previously lived. I can’t believe I wasted money on a stupid tank with a filter. Eventually, I’ll stop being lazy; my whole life will be better off that way….

When did it become Wednesday? Wasn’t it just Monday? Suppose not….I guess one tends to lose track of time when playing the sims while watching the Lord of the Rings trilogy all day, making some time to attend classes. This week has flown by for me. And I think I’ve got a bit of a handle on what’s wrong with me….(haha) in a sense.

Crazed anger and sporadic depression figure into it somehow. Yet, it’s like once you understand something, the less daunting it seems. I don’t know if this has just passed until next month or if, now that I’ve identified the problem, that my brain miraculously corrected itself. I’ll probably never know.

Now, for more Sims, another movie and to begin bullshitting my English homework for tomorrow.

First, I fucking hate people. What is wrong with people that makes it so no one can just say what they mean? I have never NOT been straight with people. If I didn’t want to go out, I’ll just say, I don’t want to go out. No hard feelings, I just don’t want to. Rather than put a drag on everyone else’s evening, I’ll just stay at home when I don’t fucking feel like dealing with people. I have never just gone out to go out and then be bitchy all night because I didn’t really want to go in the first place. A prime example of a bullshit thing that I’ve never done, because I seen no reason to not be straight with people. In the end, you piss off more people by keeping things to yourself than you will by initially be up front about things.

If she didn’t want to go on vacation with us, she just should have fucking said it, so we could have made our plans and been on our way. But no! She’s going to dick around and not give a straight answer for weeks and weeks and then go off with her boyfriend for a week. Like that shit didn’t take forever to plan. Like she couldn’t have said, “Look, girls, I’m going off with him for Spring Break. You guys can do what you like.” It would have been fucking fine! We could have shared pictures or whatever when we all got back. But no! She wants to dick around and not say a fucking thing, and make us all have the lousiest break ever. God, I just can’t fucking stand people. The world would be such a better place if people just quit worrying about hurt feelings or some other bullshit and say what they mean. If she had just said that she didn’t want to go with us, yes, I would have been slightly angry for a bit, but then the whole episode would pass and everything would be fine. Now, I’m angrier than I’ve ever been in a really long time. Bringing home fucking Michigan seashells! Like that’s going to make up for fucking dicking around for weeks and weeks about going on vacation. It’s shit like this that makes people kill one another. It’s mental states like this, like the one I’m in now, that cause people to be acquitted for murder by reasons of mental default or whatever. So fucking angry!

I can’t even remember what I had for a second or a third. Fucking seashells! Goddamn, I hate people! Like I need this stress going into a new quarter….

I just need to calm down….I’ve got the relaxing music playing and I’ve fixed my laptop, to some degree. At least I know it’s problems stemmed from overheating and not some random virus or something.

There are times when I wish I had a gun. Sometimes, it might be nice to go off and shoot the hell out of something for a bit and then come home and relaxing, having already gotten out my frustration. Other times, I know that there would be times like these and I know I’d be writing this as a sworn statement or reliving these moments while being judged by a panel of twelve “peers.”

Deep breaths now….

I saw Inside Job tonight and I liked it. There’s nothing better than seeing one’s two favorite actors on screen together at the same time and do it so well. I thought it was brilliant, but I think anything that either of them do is brilliant, so I know my own opinion doesn’t amount to much.

….

Feeling slightly better; a little more calm, now. I think I’ll play The Sims for a while, then clean my room and gather my things for tomorrow’s classes. I suppose I could attempt to see this quarter off on the right foot.

No work or school tomorrow and no assignments to complete. I can actually play the sims without being slightly stressed because I have a million other things to do.

I bought Pepsi today to cure my caffeine headache from the caffeine addiction I have developed this week. I’m currently on soda number three and interestingly, I am feeling kind of tired, although I have been up for quite some time.

Oh well, two glorious days of Spring Break, then it is back to the grind.

Even though I have been nagged and emotionally harassed over the past couple of days, I feel like today has been a good day. I have validated a lot of code on several of my pages, watched nothing but old Daria episodes all day and now I about to go shopping for containers to store my old tapes, because I truly adore organizing things and I could not imagine anything better than organizing hundreds of tapes.

I am also going to make some things for my mum’s birthday tomorrow and buy her some fun things too. No mall shopping necessary; just a few stores that I have to drive to here and there.

It may be a good day afterall.

All the worries I have about global politics, the American economy, imminent war between any number of countries….while watching American Idol, it all floats away for a short amount of time. All of my life’s decisions relate in whether my vote will go toward Elliott or Paris, nothing more.

I need the simplicity of American Idol to allow me time to relax and just let my mind melt for a bit. The beginning ring of the show makes my heart skip a beat and I love the idea that for just a little while, I can let only one thing matter.

While it is just a show and it is just around to make money (and I cannot think of anything more American than that), I love it. From having my heart flutter every time Ace looks at the camera to feeling that chill I get when I hear Paris sing, I love American Idol.

I have been studying like one would never believe. Today, I have been trying to rest up and then attempt some Microbiology 521 here and there. I have also learned that my major has been changed for me before I had a chance to truly think about it, I have been given a job offer at Limited Brands, even though it will be a while before I end up graduating and I am still not sure how this quarter will turn out for me.

I cannot figure out what to do next, which is the best part of all.

And, our apartment is under siege by enormous ants! Not even slightly enlarged ants. Huge two-inch long ants that are so big they cannot move properly! The idea of it is just making my skin itch.

On a lighter note, I walked out of my Immunology class realizing that I had indeed learned something in my class. I cut my hand on my umbrella, pretty severely since hours later it has yet to stop bleeding, but I remembered that my body’s neutrophils were gathering and bradykinin was creating that searing pain shooting all through my hand. I was actually bleeding drops of blood as I was facing the sudden hurricane-like rain that had descended in the hour it had taken me to finish my final.

Oh well, back to the grind….

I have studied more in the past 48 hours than I ever have at any point in my collegiate career. I may still fail my exam tomorrow, but at least I can say that I did give it my all. I find it interesting that I can study and make all this progress on my website at the same time….it just goes to show…..what I cannot say, but I am sure it shows something.

Time to turn off the old Daria episodes and go back to the grind.

Oh, and I am graduating whenever now instead of summer….I suppose that will be all right in the end….?