Dorienne's Log

I will finish Flight this week.

I will finish Flight this week!

I’ve taken off an entire week from work and I am determined to make the best of it. Aside from cleaning the house and reading in general, I am going to finish Flight this week. My goal was initially my birthday, but I can get it done this week. By the time my birthday rolls around, I will be knee deep in school work and before I know it, the day will have come and gone and the book still won’t be done. Then will come the depression that I couldn’t achieve one of my goals and so on and so forth. I will finish Flight this week…

I’ve been writing a lot recently and thinking about other projects as well, specifically Luka. There is a part of me that wants to dive right into him, but I know I shouldn’t until (if) I’m published. I’ve heard it’s kind of taboo for a writer to begin with a series of novels, not knowing if he or she will ever get signed for a second book. Luka will be a monster five-book process and as much as I want to get to it now, I suppose I’ll just have to wait.

Something fun I’ve been doing in Flight, however, is fleshing out my original characters. That is the trouble with fan fiction. Many of your characters are already set, so if I made any real changes to their personalities, I would be betraying the character. With my own people, however, I can shape and contort them any way I see fit. One benefit of fan fiction, though, is that I can see myself reusing some of my original characters in completely original work. I’m sure I’ll use “Maya” in some other capacity and I’ve already found a use for “Deondre Meekham” and his uncle…It’s just fun to watch this little literary world I’ve created evolve almost on its own.

And speaking of evolution…This week’s Sunday School lesson was on Genesis 1:1-25. The first verse is the most profound and the best:

In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth.

Just wonderful if you really sit down and think about it. God was there before all; before everything that was or ever could be. It’s almost like if you believe in just one verse, you’re halfway “home” already. What interested me most about the lesson this week was the discussion I had with other teachers on the subject of “day” in this first chapter.

I have been raised in a pragmatic world full of scientific thinkers and although I’ll cannot say what I’ll “never” do, I do no think I will ever see “day” in Genesis as a set of 24 hours and here’s why. A day, the way we as humans see the earth, is comprised of the rising and setting of the sun, around which we revolve as our solar system spins around our galaxy in our corner of God’s universe. Simply put, a day to the earth means that the planet has made one full turn on its axis causing the sun to “rise” and “set.” In Genesis 1:3, God says “Let there be light.” and there was, however, God had not yet created the sun and stars and other entities that create light as we think of it today. Light was there, separate from the dark, because God spoke it, without needing anything to produce. Light was because God wanted it to be.

What is of most importance to understand, however, is that God exists outside of time. Thousands of year or one second could pass to God and it can have the same significance. HE is outside of time. So, God called the light “day” and the dark “night” because humans are finite, practical creature that do exist within the bounds of time and so needed something upon which to understand their world. This is where the concept of “day” comes. If “day” in this biblical sense, was created before the entities by which we measure a day, how can we honestly say that the “day” so referred in Genesis 1:5 meant 24 hours?

Unless God comes before me himself to tell me different, this is something I cannot believe. Science tells and shows me that everything that is on the earth was created over the course of millions of years, not 168 hours. What is important and should be remembered about this text however, is that Genesis is not meant to be a scientific doctrine that dictates every single step God took to create the world. Its purpose is to let us know that in the beginning, God was there and he created everything in the universe. We can argue that evolution is the mechanism used by God to get us where we are today, but God is and always will be the driving force behind everything. He is the answer to the “why” when one asks, “Why did said fish mutate in such a way that it could survive outside water?” or “Why said animal laid an egg with a hard shell that could live outside water thus giving us the first land animals?” There is always a why when it comes to evolution and where the atheists answer the question with pure dumb luck and/or fate, I will always answer it with God.

When you think about it logically, it makes a little more sense doesn’t it? Honestly, which would you believe: that everything this is or was in the world came to be because God has created it in his master plan or, that every beautifully complicated organism from the smallest microbe to the largest whales was founded out of some primordial “ooze” and evolved out of chance? When stood next to one another, one of these options holds far more credence than the other.

Phew…I hadn’t meant to carry on like that today, but when the spirit moves you…:)

Wow! For the first time in quite a while, I feel like I’m in a good place. Despite everything that’s gone on this week, from car breakdowns to spider issues to almost subjugating myself to less than Christian scruples, I feel like everything’s moving in a flow perfectly adjusted for me. I’m losing weight, getting my classwork done and writing more than and still have time to study the Word. Everything actually is fine…for once. I don’t even feel like complaining about all the things that had gone wrong in the past few weeks. I feel perfectly content to be perfectly content. What an odd feeling…

I’m reading 1984 right now, and I must say, it has me intrigued like few books do. There is a part of me that’s screaming, “Get on with the bloody story!” while there’s also another part of me that’s just enjoying every inch of the developing story. What has me most intrigued are all the things that may need to be changed in this upcoming book of mine. While not nearly comparable, Winston and Luka seem to ask the same questions toward the beginning, though Luka will be a good deal younger. The message in the book is completely different than what I’m going for in my own, so I’m also wondering if I can get away with slightly referencing 1984 since the rest of the story is so different. I guess it’ll be necessary to just finish the book first before wondering what I’ll be forced to change in a book I’ve not yet started writing.

Just thinking about writing in general, though, piques my interest further. I love to write. Whether it’s here, through my website or actual stories and poems. I love the written word. Over these past few weeks, I’ve come to love creating my lessons for Sunday School because I have to write out my lesson. I thought at first, I just enjoyed watching characters develop and the way either myself or other authors use dialog to further along a plot, but what I really love are the words themselves. The fact that I can read and comprehend and create with something so simple seems almost baffling when I consider it fully. Twenty-six characters can be shaped and molded into something that can have depth and take on a meaning of it’s own. Now, I’m simply rambling, but I felt it necessary to mention this, because I realized today that get so wrapped in the words that I sometimes forget it is pertinent to yield some attention to actual living people who may one day receive my words. There are many times, I’ve found, that I would much prefer the company of my own characters and inside a world of my own making rather than facing the miscreants that hold dominion over this literal one.

Adventures in Vegetarianism #5
As I approach the end of my seventh week as a vegetarian, I must note that the urges are returning. Some time on Tuesday, I nearly broke down and got a chicken basket at Dairy Queen. It was really close, too. What bothered me was that it seemed so easy to fall back on old habits. It seemed like the most natural thing to do: go to DQ get a Blizzard and a chicken basket and scarf down twice my alloted caloric intake in one sitting. But…I resisted and I feel better for it.

I’ve lost just five pounds in these weeks and I don’t feel any different, but I know there is a positive somewhere in this. The only thing I can really say to myself about this is that I didn’t put on all this weight in six weeks and it won’t come off in six weeks either.

Half of my problem is that I go through periods where I’m OCD over one food and then I tire myself out over it and I start to eat out again. It’s not as bad as my pre-veg days, but it still isn’t good. Pre-veg, if I hadn’t cooked anything for dinner, I would be at Skyline pretending that since I didn’t think of hot dogs as actual meat it was okay. At least now, I stay out of places such as that. I figured that I would have started feeling weak by now, but I still haven’t. I’m not sure why, but I suppose that means I’m getting enough protein elsewhere, I guess…more like suppose…

**Sigh***
Finally! Back where I belong and everything’s falling into place. For the first time in months, my outlook does not look so bleak. I’m doing what I should be doing and at the end of this quarter, I’ll be taking a long-awaited and long-deserved break. Of course, I’ll still be working, but at least I won’t be working and in school at the same time for a week.

I feel like this over-bearing weight is every-so-lightly lifting off my shoulders day by day, and I really do think that everything will be all right. I attribute 90% of this to going to church this week and making it to Sunday School on time. Everyone was so surprised to see me there, not racing in just before consecration. I start teaching on my own this Sunday and I’m really excited about it. I hope it’s not boring for everybody. I suppose if it doesn’t work out, they’ll either move me somewhere else or fire me altogether, but I’m hoping I don’t let anyone down on this. There’s a Wednesday night service tomorrow and I really can’t wait. I’m half mad since I didn’t get to put my tithes in on Sunday because I completely forgot about it. Usually I just have Mother throw it in for me, but she was busy with her own things and wasn’t there. I’ll have to find someone I trust to put it in on days when she can’t be there.

The written word is in the air and it’s loving me! I’ve been writing everyday and I feel like the well of words just keeps flowing. I’ve never been this in tune with a piece before. I feel like since I’ve completely laid out the plot, writing the details is all the more exciting. I love looking back on my old work and see how I’ve progressed as a writer. I wish this book was 100% my original with all my own characters and such, but all I can keep saying to myself is that this is just my way of proving to myself that I can write; that I can create and stay on target. God Lord! The day I actually finish it, I’ll be singing from the rooftops. I sort of want to delve into some of my other works, but I know I mustn’t. I must stick to this and finish it out; must keep the ADHD at bay! It’s what always kills me in the end. I finally have an idea on what must be done with A Ten-Minute Speech and I’m so excited to start, really start, writing the Luka books, I could just burst into flame. It’s all I want to do and all I want to think about. Sometime last week I found myself daydreaming about my own characters. My characters! That never happens and I keep wondering what it really means. With this fanfic novel, I’ve finally conquered my PC-writing demons. For years, I haven’t been able to writing creatively on a computer, forcing me write everything longhand and spend the next year deciphering my longhand as I type the entire thing. It’s a good thing that I’ve learned this now, because I’ve realized I have the tendency to be quite verbose. I’ve only just finished the first chapter of Flight and the book’s 10,928 words and 20 M$ Word pages. I’m wondering just how long it’ll take me to break my goal of 100K. The first chapter’s just on one day and there’s nineteen days in the first part of the book. I doubt every day will be 11K long, but still…my writing just gets flowery and I while I try my hardest not to ramble, I can’t help but delve into the characters a bit more. I don’t want to just write an episode; I want to create something unique that reads like an actual book and could be taken seriously, were it not actually fanfiction.

So, Dreamgirls…Yay! Jennifer Hudson won her Oscar and I feel oddly proud of her. I guess I just love seeing black women win Oscars, but anyway I’m horribly addicted to the Dreamgirls’ soundtrack. Of course, I’m playing One Night Only to death, but honestly, it’s the reason I bought the darn CD and I’m going to play it until my iPod breaks. I’m also slowly beginning to fall for Beyonce’s Listen, which I really don’t think was worthy of the Oscar nod, but whatever. One Night Only (Hudson’s version, of course), was a far better song, but maybe that’s just me. I’m probably not the most objective person to consider the two songs since One Night Only is currently stuck in my head, but so on and so forth…Obsessions: just the writing and One Night Only. SVU’s even starting to subside, but I think it may have more to do with my not wanting to be unduly influenced by the show as I write. I still need like a crackhead, but I missed last week’s new episode and I haven’t had a break down…yet. Thank goodness for USA network. Keeping SVU fanatics in good health, around the globe.

Adventures in Vegetarianism #2
I’ve been a full-fledged vegetarian now for more than a week and the Wendy’s #6 Spicy Chicken cravings have subsided substantially. I spoke with another vegetarian in one of my classes and she told me I’d probably start feeling weak after a bit, but I’ll stick it out a bit longer before taking a multi-vitamin, especially after that nonsense on the BBC news about vitamins actually shaving off the years instead of adding to them. Oh well. I suppose we’ll all go when we do. But, I’m really enjoying this not-eating-meat thing. Tonight, I made a grilled cheese sandwich with olive oil instead of butter. I’m well on my way to becoming a vegan…except for the fact that I love cheese and yogurt and would sooner cut of my own foot and feed it to my enemies than give up cheese and yogurt. But, the point is, I’m not eating any meat. I wish I could say that I give a crap about cows and pigs and such, but I honestly can’t make myself really care about animals. I just don’t want to like the taste of them anymore and I want to just live healthier. I just can’t see any positives to eating meat, especially since I read something about average humans eating something like six times the amount of animal meat we need to survive. That just seems utterly crazy to me.
Anyway, I haven’t lost any weight to this vegetarian diet, but that’s probably due to the fact that I polished off this entire macaroni and cheese dish by myself as I practiced for the pot luck we’re having at work this Friday. It’ll be Dorienne’s time to shine! I also randomly made a bunch of cookies and frosted them myself. I don’t know where the crazy cravings come from, but they are bizarre. But, cheers to me for not even wanting to eat any meat! And a special cheers to me for at least trying to get back on eating like a normal person should…

I rang in the new year at church once again and once again, I’m happy I did. Last year, it was more a sense of desperation since I just could not imagine bringing in the new year in some random bar. This year, I could not wait to go to our church’s Watch Night service. It was fun and even though I had to sing while on the crutches, I really enjoyed myself.

I spent the majority of yesterday watching the SVU marathon on USA, while today was a mix of a Twilight Zone marathon, a Law & Order marathon and football….the only thing better than watching Ohio State win is watching Michigan lose. **grins wildly**

So, since it is a brand new year, I feel it necessary to make some…not technically resolutions, but promises for myself:

1. Lose weight – Long overdue and it is becoming a sort of health issue. I am not looking to be model thin by my 23rd, but definitely a size or two smaller than I am now.
2. Stay neat – Today, the house is more or less clean. I want to keep it that way throughout the year; just like normal people do. A little here, a little there. Just no need to spend an entire day doing laundry or just cleaning the bathroom or just doing the dishes. Also, not going to sleep with my room untidy. This will probably help overall.
3. Get into a routine – This one will be hard since I am still sans employment, but I need to just get into a basic routine:

1) Morning – Shower, teeth, feet, lotion, hair and makeup
2) Night – Clothes/misc items, dishes, floss, teeth, face and stomach-work

If I can start with a routine for when I wake up and go to sleep, I think I will be better off altogether. Plus, this also ties into what will be needed for #1.
4. Graduate…from somewhere – I have three degrees in progress, yet I feel like I am no closer to any of them as I this time last year. Just one degree out of the possible three. This will require some hard work and a lot of prayer.
5. Submit a novel – I have been writing here and there, and editing this and that. I think it is past time for me to make good on this dream of mine. This will also include making the final editions of something; Evan, Luka, any one I can complete.
6. Be healthy – This also is a part of #1. I need to be healthier overall; some kind of workout everyday, get in the fruits, grains, etc, read my Bible often, if not daily, etc.

I think in total, my New Year’s Resolution is to just be a better person altogether. Today is the first of January in the beginning of my 23rd year of existence. The past 23 years have been extraordinary, but not what I want my life to surround. Here’s to making 2007 the first of many healthy and successful years as a child of God.

I’ve been making a lot of notes for my In Darkness series and the more I ponder about souls, the more I realize how difficult it is for me to give up on the idea of souls being reincarnated or, really, regenerated. It just makes sense to me and it seems like no amount of church is able to trump this fact. It allows me to account for the idea that God wants everybody to go to heaven. This is the only way for me to rest at night whilest I wonder about the murderer sitting on death row, who never got the chance to know Jesus. I have been blessed with the opportunity to not just know about Him, but learn as much as I want about Him. If I screw up at this point, I deserve to go to hell. But what about some little African girl who lives out with the tribes of nowhere, who really will never get the chance to know Him? It just does not seem like something that a fair, just and awesome God could do; to allow someone to go to hell when they never had the chance to learn, to never know any better.
I think all souls continue to come back to “life” until they get it right. It’s the only logic that I can follow that doesn’t have me worrying about my religion and sending me packing once again. And I just can’t let go of it.

Oh, my poor Xanga….it’s been days….

Yesterday, I finally started my ‘plain-paper-pencil’ write of the first Luka book. I am calling it Sounds of Revolution for now, but who knows what it will be when I finally finish.

It’s been so long since I wrote, really wrote a new novel for the first time. I’m not in a re-write phase at all, it’s just straight creative and it gives me this rush that I could only compare to some drug akin to coke or heroin. It’s magical and I hate that there aren’t more hours in the day so that I could write for some eight hours then get a good night’s rest, then go to work at Anheuser, bright and early…..When the ideas really start flowing, the only thing that irritates me is that my hands won’t move fast enough to keep up with the thoughts coming from me.

On other notes, I can’t believe they are getting married. If you don’t have money to buy a ring, you don’t have the money, or sense, to get married less than a year when you first started dating, but all that’s besides the point.

I’m worried that he’s getting married and it makes me aggravated with myself. I don’t want him even though I did years ago, but thinking about it now makes me seriously fret about it. Why? I could never been with him; we’re not as close now, but the thought of it makes my heart skip a beat. And why be so ambiguous about it…..God, I have to know! I think I’ll ask every single day until I get an answer. At least then I can start to make my peace about it.

If he is, I hope I’m not invited. I don’t think I could sit through that wedding…..not without doing something really ridiculous.