Dorienne's Log

It’s been 21 days! If I’d waited ’til tomorrow, it would have been 22 days and I’d be turning 22! Xanga keeps me all these changes on me….

None of my goals have been accomplished. It’s the same song of my life. Although yesterday, I did make it to church since I didn’t get to go last week. It felt good to be around everyone. I’m getting to know everyone there pretty well. I really missed it, even though I didn’t like everything he had to say. I managed to hold my tongue when the bulletins noted the sermon “The Gospel According to Forrest Gump” and “Forrest” was spelled with one “r.” It was difficult, but I made it.

As I approach my 22nd year in the world I have been gazing back to the events that transpired during my 21st year. While so many of goals have gone unseen, I still feel like I am a better person. In the past year, I have not made any progress with my education, I have not completed any novels and I have not completed my website. I have not met “the one,” or lost any weight or given up any vices. I feel like I’m turning 38 and so feeling of utmost dispair through my lack of accomplishment sometimes seems overbearing. But…

In the past year, I’ve learned to properly code HTML, which can be another vice, but a useful vice. I’ve applied this new knowledge to create better sites for others to enjoy and it also opens up the possibility for future paid work. I’ve done other things and learned a lot about myself, but the most important of all these things is that I’ve found my way back to Jesus.

I’d been lost, truly lost, for a long time, and now, even with all the things that have gone wrong in this past year, I still feel like I’m a better person than I was last year. My Sundays are now for God instead of recovering from whatever I poured down my throat Saturday night. I swear less, I drink less and I try harder to do things that would make Jesus proud of me. I feel like I know more about who I am, I am more in tuned with my own culture, and I have come to understand why I do so many of the things I do.

….

Thinking about this actually brings me to tears, because I guess I just realized that everything I’d been told about God my whole life is true. He has a plan for me regardless of the plans I have for myself. This year, instead of being depressed that I am growing another year older, a problem that has persisted since I turned 14, I am going to be happy that God has allowed me to grow and learn for a little bit longer.

Leave Xanga for two weeks and they change everything on you…

Oh well. I’m back and again, nothing much has been happening.

All my “friends” hate me now. It happens, but I know when I’m right and this is one of those situations. A-B is effectively screwing me over for the rest of this year and the next, but I will hold my head high and smile nonetheless. This week is going to be excruciating there. I have so much to do it’s really just ridiculous. They do this every year. The “let’s wait to until the last second and ask Dorienne to do a million tasks at once” attitude is getting old. I have to teach, that which is difficult enough to learn for my own needs let alone teach when no one else knows what’s going on. The whole thing just makes me sad and I’m in desperate need for a vacation. Luckily for me, I’m having surgery again and I’ll have plenty of time to “rest.”

I’ve just been feeling so low and useless lately and I’m not sure what, if anything, I can do to remedy the situation. I think I’m just ready for a change. I’ve been here for far too long and I need to see some new faces and do some new things. I think I just feel especially down today, because I was just soooooo tired in church today and I left immediately after the service. The Lord’s Supper service just kept going on and on and on. I had half a mind to just get up and walk out; I was just so tired I could barely focus. I understand how important communion is. I really do. But I have yet to see the significance of saying the same exact things over and over again in a hundred different ways month after month. It’s always the same people there every single Sunday. We all know what’s up. It’s getting to the point where I’m considering not attending the first Sunday’s service, just to avoid these annoyingly long lectures about communion. Every month, I just feel like, “Please! Just give me the cracker and the juice and let me be on my way!”
I think I’ve also been annoyed with church recently, because last week our pastor made such a big to-do about coming to afternoon service as well as morning service, and when I showed up, it had been cancelled. I drove ALL the way down there and then had to drive ALL the way back. Then yesterday, I got to our 10:30 choir practice at 10:33 and waited another 20 minutes before anyone else showed up. Our director was even late. And today in Sunday School, the little booklet they give us, said something I thoroughly did not agree with in regards to evolution versus creation, blah, blah, blah….I honestly don’t see why science and religion feel they must mix. You can’t test faith. You can’t make experiments on it. It is what it is. Science is based on testable, reproducible facts. Religion is based on faith. Why must the two be set in comparison all the time?! Why is that I can’t believe in both evolution and creation?! Why can’t anyone else agree with the idea that evolution is what got everything on this Earth to this point and that God is the “why” behind everything?! Why is this a principle that is so difficult for people to understand?! Science is the “how” of anything in the world and faith is the “why” behind that “how.”

Sigh…

I just feel so very sad and I don’t know why.

Maybe because it’s another September and I’m coming ever closer to another birthday without feeling that I’ve accomplished anything. The other day at work, I told everyone that I felt old, like I was closer to my late 30s than my early twenties and they all just laughed and said that I was “cute.” Why? It’s not like they ever felt fifteen years older than they were at my age. So, what’s with the laughter?

I set some goals for myself in my last entry and it was like the next day, that I went back on those same goals; the McDonald’s one anyway. I haven’t had any more since then, but it’s very discouraging to have a goal fresh in your mind and squelch on that goal when you feel trapped. Oh well.
I’m going to work out this week. In one form or another. I need to lose at least ten pounds before my surgery. I’ve told myself that to keep from gaining an exuberant amount of weight like I did with the first surgeries, I was only going to eat when I needed to take pain medication. We’ll see how well that’ll work out.

Okay, time to uplift myself….
Today I will:
Do all my laundry
Clean the bathroom
Finish the subdomain for the wedding pics
Clean my room
Make this stupid video thingy work
Work on my book
Study for next and winter quarter’s

It’s a good list and the best part is that it’s quite doable!

Not much has happened in the past week: my step-brother got married, and that was kind of nice, especially since they have two kids together, but the fact is they did get married. The reception was nice though because I got to spend some time with my step-sibs and cousins and it’s always nice to hang out with a bunch of people my own age for a while. I had a little to drink at the reception, but between the ride home with my parents and the sobering conversation I later had with my mother, all was well for the drive home.

Classes are wrapping up, but I feel no closer to achieving anything, so of course it’s time to set some deadlines/goals for myself.
1) Finish A Ten-Minute Speech by 26 September 2006
– this one is not important in the present, but it could mean the difference between doing what I want to do with my life and doing what I have to do just to make ends meet. Not to mention that this is way overdue. I first put pen(cil) to paper for this thing when I was eleven years old, and eleven years later I still don’t have it completed. NO book should take that long. I’ve “finished” it a couple of times, but it’s never truly been complete. It’s not just the act of completing the book by this deadline, it’s the act of completing something in total. I can’t remember the last time I actually successfully completed anything save for a sentence I was speaking. My birthday marks the beginning of my adult years, and if I can’t complete SOMETHING by the beginning of my adulthood, I might as well stop now. If I can’t finish this book, I have no business even pretending like I want to begin writing others.

2) Get an A in my 139 class.
– There’s no excuse for me not getting an A in this class, and at this point I think I simply need it for my psyche. It’s like, if I could just get the ball rolling, then everything would fall into place.

3) Lose ten pounds by my birthday.
– I’ve been trying to lose this weight since I started to gain and now that I’ve got nearly 100 lbs to get off of me, things are starting to look dire. I went shopping with my mother yesterday, I just looking at myself in the dressing room mirror, made me slightly naseous. I remember when not too long ago, I would have looked at someone who looked like me and giggled to myself wondering how anyone could ever let it get so bad. I guess I had never counted on depression weighing in on the subject. Get it, weighing in….Anyway, a month is MORE than enough time to drop ten pounds. It’s the same old, same old: eat right and exercise, but the when and where causes the issues.

4) No more McDonald’s breakfast. Period.
– If I’m ever going to make a dent in #3, this is a must. I must give up McDonald’s breakfast forever. Given that it was the only thing I ever ate there, I think I just have to go with edict that I just can’t eat at McDonald’s ever again. Probably not ever again, but at least until my birthday in ’07. There’s not nutritional value from it and really it’s not even that satisfying. Feeling the grease and fat from an Egg McMuffin or a hash brown, makes me feel my heart actually congealing. I don’t want to put myself in a position where I could have a heart attack 20-25 years before that should even be a concern. I can do better. I will do better. I guess this isn’t so much a quitting McDonald’s idea as a living a better, healthier life.

5) Read the Bible from Genesis to Revelation.
– I started this goal a few years ago, and got wholly bogged down by the pages and pages of “begets,” but I think that all Christians should read the whole thing from beginning to end (literally). Even if I don’t understand all of it, even if it does contradict itself, even if it inevitably makes me question my faith in the end, I’ve got until 26 September 2007 to get this goal accomplished. I’ve even got a Bible-reading guide. There’s no reason to get this one done.

…and the little things before the end of this year:
a) Finish my The X-Files website
b) Recode my Calvin and Hobbes website
c) Get an A in Ochem
d) Do Something Great

…time to go a-complishing.

I’ve been busy, naturally, and I honestly, I can barely remember anything signicant happening the past couple of weeks. Yesterday however fell just short of amazing.

I was sitting at my computer, trying desperately to make the lightbox on my church’s website work, when time simply caught up with me. I missed Sunday School, the first time since I had started going, and no one from the church had gotten back with me about when our young adult choir was supposed to meet and where I was supposed to go and everything….I guess it is worth mentioning that I did join the young adult choir the saturday before last. The choir director even gave me a special part to sing on my own….

Anyway, I’d made up my mind that I was just not going to sing and by that point, late for Sunday School had turned into late for church in general and I was feeling worse and worse. When I finally left for church, I was in a ridiculously foul mood and with no viable food in the house, I had to eat McDonald’s again and by the time I got to church I was ready to burst into tears. Nothing was wrong in particular, the day was just going horribly. I snuck in just before the choir was about to come in and basically kept my head down. I just felt angry and upset and in just a poor mood. When they started singing, however, I could feel my demeanor changing for the better and when it was time for the announcements, the choir director motioned for me to come up and join them. I was going to hesitate, but figured I’d go anyway. The look on my pastor’s face when I started to go up to the choir stands was priceless. The song with my little solo was already over, but I was happy to be up there singing with everyone else, regardless of the fact that I didn’t know the words. By the end of church, I was in such a good mood it was unbelievable. That much of a positive influence from two hours of church…..it’s still amazing to me. My good mood has been ongoing since I left the church yesterday. Perhaps it’s because I can’t seem to get our church songs out of my head, but nevertheless…..I don’t know…

My mother said to me while we were at dinner on Sunday that “something” knew that I was about to sing in the choir and didn’t want it to happen. I’m not one to always assume that the devil makes me feel negative. I am still under the belief that there’s enough straight negativity and evil in people without there being a need for some supreme evil being. I think it’s far more plausible that God was punishing me for my vanity and pride over a choir practice that surprised myself. Anyway, all that matters, is that now I feel good….for once.

That vanity thing though…sometimes it’s ridiculous. I wonder how someone like myself, who’s not overly pretty, can be so vain so often…

…and there goes my good mood.

I’ve been reading all about the conflicts in the mideast all morning.

I don’t think I was going anywhere with that, it just must be said because it got me to my present state.

I think it’s highly far-fetched to think that my single prayers have reached God and that He acted in my favor, but still….Though Israel has yet to cease fire on Lebanon, the US has at least made some comments to the world that sound as if we do not honor what Israel has been doing to the Lebanese people, and that’s a start. Sometime, either last week or simply last weekend, I found myself praying “God, please speak to your children of Israel. Please, speak to your children of Israel,” because I wholeheartedly disapprove of their actions. Yes, two of their soldiers were taken, and yes, Hamas has been making life more and more difficult for them, yet I still can’t see how Israel has the right to simply start bombing.

The US did the same thing following September 11th, and we were wrong too, but several things must be considered. First and foremost, terrorists, I use the name loosely, had used planes full of civilians to take out a major symbol of US economic growth and overall global power, killing more than three THOUSAND people in the process. For many of us, the wounds are still fresh and I know the thought of those events occurring in my life that Tuesday, never fail to bring a tear to my eye. More than three thousand people loss their lives in one day. Not three thousand soldiers, not three thousand active supporters of an imposing regime, three thousand people who had families and homes and were just living their lives. They were no more guilty of any unbeknownst atrocity committed by the quiet powers that be in the US, than the smallest child who has no knowledge of a world outside of its parents.

Second, the existence of the US has never come into question. Yes, there was a thriving populace of people living on this soil, before the word “America” was first uttered, but how many other countries have developed in the ways of the US? How many other countries were founded by invaders who not only remained, but remained long enough to outnumber and drive off the remaining indigenous peoples living on the land? Few if any, and none have gained the sheer might as the US.

Also, the US is not a secular nation. Granted a vast majority of its citizens are Christians, however, there are also Jews, Muslims, Hindus, Buddhists, Agnostics and numerous members of smaller religions. The US’s War on Terror, is not a war against Muslims, it is not Christians against Muslims, it is one country (our allies notwithstanding) fighting against those who would want to take away the freedom live one’s life as one chooses if only given the chance. The clash between Israel and the rest of the region, comes down to Jews versus Muslims, in its simplest form. You cannot expect to setup a Jewish state in a region where everyone is Muslim and expect complete harmony. It must also be considered that when we (the US) went into the Middle East, it was to a) finish what was left undone in the early 90’s and b) to remove an unjust leader. Yes, the situation in Iraq sucks right now, but it will get better. A civil war in Iraq will most likely take place before it does, but Iraq will be a democracy and the type of place where someone, be they from Ohio, Amsterdam, Ghana or Thailand, could visit and experience the country and its history without fear of being killed due to secular violence.

Now, even with all of this in the US’s stead, if we decided that we were simply going to begin bombing another sovereign nation over two soldiers, that international outcry would be such that all of the world would gather up in unison against us. Economic sanctions would be put on us, the UN would be in Washington trying to help oust our leaders, the list goes on. Two kidnapped soldiers are not worth the hundreds killed and the altered lives of thousands. I don’t care how long this issue has been occurring. It is unjust and a complete exaggeration. Don’t get me wrong: I believe that Israel has a right to exist just as much as I do to vote, but they do not have the right to just start bombing civilians over two soldiers. How many American soldiers….the hell with that, Americans period have been kidnapped by militants in Iraq? Are we bombing that nation off the map for those kidnapped souls? Of course not. Why? Because, as unfortunate as it sounds, the lives of the few who had been kidnapped are not worth the potential loss of life if we began a ridiculous bombing campaign in civilian-populated areas of Iraq.

(Phew)

With all this flowing through my mind, I began to pray that God speak to the children of Israel and stop the carnage. Reading BBC News today got me to Google Hamas and then to Wikipedia and then through a course of clicks that got me reading about the Prophet Muhammed, which of course got me thinking about Jesus and why I follow Christianity. While I believe, that every human being has a right to follow whatever religion they chose and also that Christianity is what is right for me because it has been proven countless times to me, while perhaps it has not for others, I can’t imagine someone who has heard of Jesus’ miracles and then of the Prophet and choose the latter instead. Granted, I don’t know a lot….well anything really about Islam, but that which I do know does not present the greatest picture to me. From what I have about Islam, which granted may be spotty at best, women are not equal to men in any regard, however a woman is the mother of Jesus and she is revered and, from what I understand about Catholicism, which is again very little, she is prayed to and she prays to Jesus on our behalf and He speaks to God. That’s quite a difference in my mind. So while, I sat reading about the much debated biography of Muhammed’s life, I wondered if I were exposed to something else first, say Islam for example, would I have jumped to Christianity upon hearing about it? Of course the answer is yes, and really it’s through knowing even the little that I do about the Bible. I would rather ask for blessings for One who is clearly not of this world. Jesus calmed stormy seas, turned water to wine, raised the dead, made the lame walk and the blind see, healed the sick, and not to mention the whole-dying-on-the-cross-for-the-sins-of-humanity-and-rising-in-three-days-to-ascend-to-heaven-thing. Jesus worked miracles; was a miracle, He came from a virgin mother. I feel confident when I think that the Bible stories alone, would bring me back to Christianity as they always have.

Other things happened this week too. I read an article about this physicist who has created a new mathematical theory that would challenge Einstein’s Relativity and also the idea of dark matter. Dark matter has always made me raise an eyebrow because claiming that celestial bodies moved about the universe due to it, sounds a lot like someone saying that the Earth is flat because one doesn’t feel that he or she walks on a curved surface. It was really an interesting article and it got me thinking about the universe in total. The Big Bang Theory is basically that “once-upon a time” there existed this dense ball if you will, that consisted of all of the matter in the universe. That ball exploded spewing matter across the universe as well as energy. This of course had me wondering the why question to which I can find none but secular answers. I guess that’s good because it keeps me a Christian, but I want to know. Why did that ball of matter burst? What was there before that ball of matter? How did it get where it was? Are there other great balls of matter somewhere that we just can’t see yet? All these questions and no one has answers or will ever answers, at least not in my lifetime, though I do plan on living until at least two hundred….

I’ve learned something interesting recently: class is important, and I think this bit of knowledge will help me be a better student. Just hearing people’s reactions about me missing class makes me rethink how I perceive going to class. It shouldn’t be taken for granted and I can never be at a disadvantage for hearing the material one more time. I think I’ll start to go more, besides it’s time that I stop letting everything else get in the way of what I need to do.

That said, I’ve got packing to do. We’re moving and hopefully life will be great.

I realized something today when our Pastor did the invitation to the church-thing. Many times people go up to the altar just because they and other members of their family need extra prayer. I understand that times have been bad for me and I am certain that times will get worse, but it just feels like I would never deserve all of the church’s attention no matter how terrible things got. I could never imagine myself feeling that I had the right to ask for an extra prayer or anything just for myself or my family. I am always more than happy to give out extra prayers to any and all who ask for it, but I just can’t see myself as deserving special attention from God and our church.

What got me thinking about this was something I quickly glanced over while reading a verse in my Bible. It’s this special Women’s Bible and it had this little side article about how women often put all others’ needs above their own, and while we like to think of it as being endearing and loving of all, it may really be a type of low self-esteem. I have always considered my self to have the best self-esteem of anyone I know, sometimes….many times, it can be a little too much, but as I sat today thinking about how I could never really deserve a prayer from the church, the idea of my self-esteem’s real nature. I say that I have high self-esteem, but do I actually have it?

Everyone is pressing for me to join the young adult choir and no one will listen when I say that I can’t sing and have nothing to offer the choir. I don’t feel that I have….I don’t want to say “earned”, but it’s the only word that comes to mind…..earned the right to stand in front of our church and sing. I guess I just feel like I’ve got such a long way to go, that I have no business being up there, the fact that I simply don’t want to sing, notwithstanding.

I just don’t see what joining the choir will accomplish. I have nothing to add, and the fact that I’m not exceptionally exuberant during normal church service anyways, makes me feel weary of joining as well. Yelling, loud clapping or singing, or even just standing just feels like I’m being fake, like I’m trying to prove something to all the other members of the church. I don’t see that I have anything to prove especially since I go to be….feel a little closer to God for at least a couple of hours during the week. Being exuberant during the service feels like putting on a show to me, even if people are truly feeling the spirit, or whatever. It was that exuberance that drove me away from the church originally, and the choir is always excited. Every time I see someone dancing and acting as if the Holy Spirit is flowing through them when they are singing in the choir, I wonder if they ever feel it at any other points during the week. I think if you’re in the choir, you should also be coming to Sunday School and afternoon service, which I’ll be going to once I’m done with Anheuser for the summer, but I know not everyone does. The whole idea makes me start arguing with the logical side of my mind and I can feel myself pulling away from my faith again. I guess there’ll be no escape for me and this issue.

Anyways….I’ve got to do some cooking and then get some sleep so I continue with this job of mine….

I guess we got our apartment (woot!) and that’s pretty cool, regardless of the drama that it took to get it. I almost had to go to the rental office with the words “Attorney General” on my mouth, but thankfully everything turned out all right.

I’ve been doing some work on the church website, though my own lack of extreme knowledge about coding makes some things much longer to do. I have so much stuff I want to implement, but it just takes so much time to make it work.

Oh well…time to do work for this class all day and maybe later today I’ll have some time to do some real work on the stuff I want to do.

Also, I’m trying to implement my music just here, so I suppose we’ll see how this goes…

I’m still going strong right now. I’ve got my plans in place and we’ll see how this goes…

I’m still off fast food for the month. I’ve actually gone hungry instead of stopping at a Wendy’s or something, but I know it’s for the best. I caught myself wondering what I would be like at the end of the month. Will I be so accustomed to not eating fast food that I wouldn’t even notice when the end of the month came and perchance I could make it two months without any fast food? Doubtful, but there’s always the hope. I’m pretty sure I’ll be standing at Chipotle’s front door waiting for it to open on August 1st, but there’s still hope.

I’ve been finessing a lot of things lately, especially the code the websites I’m doing. One of the people on Coding Forums, brought up a good point to me as I was attempting to give advice to another. I know CSS and its basics, but I don’t know the theory behind it, so I end up with a lot of redundant information in my code. I get the style, just not the cascading part, but that will soon change.

I’m planning to start another blog, but the new one will be run completely by me since I’ve found the code to make a perfect blog under my own domain. It’ll probably be blog.doriennesmith.com, but I haven’t decided yet. It’ll be a lot on how the website is going and the “hows” behind a lot of my updates.

I’m taking a web class right now, I try as I might, I can’t resist the temptation to show off a bit. Hopefully, my instructor won’t mind that I used XHTML 1.0 instead of the crap code they suggest in the book. I mean I want to scream just looking at the code they are suggesting for their readers; especially since the book is no more than two years old. In fact….okay, the book was published in 2002, which brings up a whole new set of issues. Why on earth are we using a book that’s this old in the first place, especially when the class is on the internet and standards and such change every few years. I mean, honestly: the book is telling people to use uppercase letters and inline presentational code! For a class like this, all the textbooks should be less than a year old. Otherwise, the information is most likely ridiculously out of date by the time class starts. For that matter, I don’t see why a textbook is needed when the W3C is online all the time and holds free information for anyone who wants it; not to mention something simple like w3schools.

Speaking of being annoyed by this web class: we are forced to create our web project. (basically just a simple web page), using Geocities, which both “sucks and blows.” It is so irritating to go through all the work of creating beautiful code that validates using a Strict doctype and have to throw the whole thing in Geocities, which flays my code into some horrifying monster with its stupid and unvalidating side bar. Speaking of validation, I don’t know why I love, or am obsessed over having my code validate. It’s as if seeing the green “Passed Validation” page gives a bit of validation to my life….

Anyway, I always feel bad when I do work on my own website instead of making more progess on my church’s site. I think it’s just that there’s so much more to do for the church site. I mean I’m practically rebuilding the entire site. I’ve got the layouts already sketched out, but it’s matter of going through the daunting task of making my designs come to life in the code. Some things just are feasible from my inexperience, which means loads of time asking questions on Coding Forums and then waiting for answers, not mention all the new things that I need to create my “vision” for the site. (Sigh) There’s just so much to do, but one step at a time I suppose.

Last week looked like the end of my relationship with my mother. Honestly, it looked like we may never be on good terms again. That is, until I got a good look at what other people have to go through with their parents….It was only then that I realized how lucky I was to be in my situation, but have a clear, defined way out of it and with the support needed to keep me from failing. I’m just glad that Jesus helped me stay calm enough from going off the deep end and saying or doing things that could not be taken back later. I was so emotionally I had to revert back to the “Tweety Book,” my old handwritten journal, mostly because my language was getting slightly out of hand and there were things I need to write down that really are not meant for the internet. That’s something I think a lot of people don’t understand about the internet and blogs. EVERYONE can read them, and even if they’re are private, if someone wanted to, they could get to it still. I’ve never put anything on the internet that I didn’t want to be shown to the world. Pictures I would have problems explaining or truly personal moments don’t belong on the internet.

Anyhoo – It’s time to get ready for Sunday School. I haven’t been to Sunday School, literallly since I was seven years old, so this will be a sort of adventure in itself. We’ll see how it goes…

I went to church even though neither of my parents were going and I just stuck my hand up at the opportune time and won a piano. Of course, it will have to stay at my parents house until…well, probably forever, but it’s the principle of the thing. This past Sunday, I don’t think I’d ever felt so loved by so many souls at any point in my life. They did the welcoming and I had to participate since I was still technically new, and it just felt wonder to be welcomed and accepted like that….sigh.

I find myself actively excited about church and Jesus nowadays; it’s kind of weird. Weird in that it does not feel foreign or abhorrent to me, but there’s that still small voice within me that’s says that it should. It’s a bit like that saying that anything that feels this good and positive must be “sinful” or wrong. But it’s not, that’s the thing. I’ve been working on our church’s website: www.lincolnparkcbc.com. It still needs a lot of work, such as losing the frames and the applets and the deprecated tags….there’s loads to do. I’m working on the new area here: www.lincolnparkcbc.com/new/; well, actually, under my own domain until I work out all the bugs with each page: www.doriennesmith.com/working/new/.
In my endeavours with the site, I found this Bible verse search website: BibleGateway.com. It’s pretty cool. I love finding new ways of bringing my faith into the 21st century.

Our pastor talked a lot about money yesterday, which is one of those main things that has always driven me away from churches, yet this time, it did seem sincere. The church was just stifling yesterday, mostly because we were packed in there so tight, and he had a point about raising money to cover some our building debts so that we could build a new building if we wanted. The money thing wasn’t his actual sermon, so I didn’t really feel offended for once. He did get me thinking, though, about tithing and its impact on my life. I want to tithe. Honestly, I do, but I just don’t think I can afford to do so. It’s sad, not being able to afford God’s blessings….I know it’s not a complete statement, but that’s just how it feels. Ten percent of my weekly pay is fifty dollars a week and that’s just right now. What about when I’m not working at all? I just see myself in mid-February with no money and not actually destitute, so I would never feel comfortable going to the church for help, but severely poor nonetheless and sorely wishing that I had saved my fifty dollars a week for myself. I don’t want to be angry with my church for my own doings, but at the same time, I feel so utterly guilty that I don’t know if I can do it. A part of me is already upset about it, but then again….A part of me asks, “What ever happened to giving what you could?” while another side of me thinks back to yesterday, when I was only going to give the extra change I had in my wallet, my Coach wallet I’d bought with my own money, and then my extra dollar, and instead gave all that plus the five I was saving for whatever reason. Looking back, I know that if I hadn’t given up that I five, later this week I would be saying to myself, “Dorienne, forget your zeal of refusing to eat any fast food and any french fries from any place for the month of July. Use your five bucks and get you something quick to eat at lunch at work.” Instead, my five dollars went to a better cause in both regards. I will remain on my “diet” for a little while longer, and the church is five dollars closer to being out of debt. I know deep down that no harm would befall me if I chose to give my ten percent, but at the same, I am still in a grey area religion-wise; an area where logic often overrules faith. The trouble is, I don’t know how long I’ll stay there.

Woot! I’m so happy I don’t have to go to work tomorrow. When I realized it on the drive home I perked up a bit after feeling so ridiculously angry and depressed. Angry at people being jerks and depressed that I’d have to deal with people I just can’t stand for yet another week.

Anyway, I’ve been coming with loads of ideas for things to spruce up our church’s website. Like I said earlier, it’s really quite fun.

I’ve started writing again. Woot! If I can just get this part of A Ten Minute Speech done, I can finish the whole thing in just a matter of weeks. It’s just that this hospital “scene” seems to be going on forever. It really isn’t that long….well actually it is right now, but when one looks at the finished product in its entirety, it won’t be that long. But at least at this point, I’ve got a timeline mapped out and I feel comfortable with how it’s going.

I don’t know if it’s the Miles Davis or the euphoria that comes with an extreme lack of sleep, but I feel pretty happy right now. It’s time to talk of other things; of something-something and sealing wax and cabbages and kings. And why the sea is boiling hot and whether fish have wings….

…..

So yeah, fertility drugs….
…the more we talked about it, the angrier I became. The more I could not help thinking, “what selfish bastard would do such a thing.” I mean honestly, let’s think about this clearly. If fertility drugs are what is necessary for you, God has clearly not intended for you to give birth. I think people are having children for all the wrong reasons and this results in a lot of kids growing up “spoiled” and unloved. If one says that she wants to take drugs to get increase her chances of getting pregnant so that she can have someone to love and raise, then she’s a damn liar. How many millions of children are out there in this world in need of someone to love and raise them? How many children are isolated from other people living, literally, in cages or simply in their beds because there is no one available to hold them or truly care for them? If someone told me they went through fertility treatment just to have someone to love, I’d probably slap them in the face. They don’t want someone to love! They are just vain and want a little version of themselves running around loose. Knowing what I know now about those drugs, I can’t imagine any true Christian woman going through with it. The idea of what might happen with an undesirable result is just too much. How could someone live with themselves after it? How could you live on saying, “I wanted to be blessed with a child of my own so much that I was willing to give up on some if an undesired number developed?” It makes me want to burst into tears.

Why don’t people adopt more often? As of today, right this moment, were I in a place where I was deciding if I could have kids…..if I learned that I could not, I would be on an adoption waiting list the moment I learned of my misfortune. I don’t generally like children, mostly because most of those I know are ridiculous brats, but I could not imagine not loving any kids in my own house. If I decided that having kids was what I wanted and was ready for, providing that God did not decide for me, regardless if I was ready, and I could not bear my own kids, I’m not saying that I wouldn’t be heartbroken. Half the fun of my family is seeing the craziness form from generation to generation, but the thought of taking in a child in need would surpass that sadness quickly.

I think adopting a child is among the most noble and awe-inspiring things anyone could ever hope to accomplish. To take in someone else’s child so that that child can live in a loving, happy environment…..the very idea of it makes me smile. Maybe I’m just too young to understand, though I can’t imagine that being the case. Maybe I just see everything in terms of black and white far too often. Maybe I just have too much love to give. I love all the kids I used to take care of when I was younger. I would love the opportunity to raise a child, any child; just to have someone who would depend on me as they grew into an adult; to influence the entire life of another person….it seems almost magical.

I think, nowadays especially, life has become too precious to me, if that is even possible. When I think about how often the use of fertility drugs is mentioned in day to day society, it makes me realize how few people actually know the truth about them. What troubles me more, is how many people actually go through with it, knowing what the outcome could be. I think anyone who is too selfish and vain to use other avenues such as adoption as a means for having a child, has a very dark, cold future ahead of them; at least until they can successful explain to Jesus, why they thought it best to kill off some of their own children, rather than shower their love upon a child already here and in need of help.