Why…

November 22nd, 2006 — 3:31pm

We, my generation, we are Generation Y. Rather than a voiceless, aimless group, we ask the questions and demand answers. We are the first generation to grow up with computers, and one day the history books will reflect how this electronic intrusion has manipulated all of human thought. I find it ironic that I say this as I write in an online blog, but today all I ask is Why.

Why do people pass away? I know the chemical and physiological and evolutionary explanations, but these just tell me how; they never answer why. Why is that I can see one person on a Sunday afternoon, say hello to them, give them a hug, talk to them and wish them a happy, blessed week, and then seven days later learn that I will never speak to them again? Yes, she looked slightly paler than usual and she did have a bit of a limp, but I knew she was sick and just assumed that this was a part of it. Never had I imagined that I would never talk to her, attend meetings with her or hold hands during altar call ever again. There’s a part of me that still struggles to understand it. It doesn’t quite make sense in the grand scheme of things. There are so many cruel, terrible people in this world that never deserved to make it to the ages that they have, but they keep on laughing and living and being their cruel selves. Why should this Christian just slip away before another Sunday’s service?

In my heart, my only comfort at that thought was that I know she was saved and now she is at peace, but in my mind I am still confused. Who’s name did the pastor just say? No, that couldn’t possibly be her. It must have been another Kimm; someone I don’t know. Then, the realization hits and further questions are asked. Anger and wonder endures. Is this what will happen to me when I pass from this world? A mention during the announcements? But, what was I expecting the pastor to do?

I haven’t cried yet, though I do feel like the tears are just underneath my thoughtful facade. The service is Friday; she passed on Sunday. I feel almost robbed; like someone should have told me that there was a chance. It just seemed like she was sick, not fighting for her life. It’s not fair that people should die.

As a Christian, I know she’s at peace, but as a human being, this is where I struggle. I’m still in a state of disbelief and I am worried about what’s about to come. Not just the service, but those in future. There are so many more souls in my life now, so many more people I have to love. All I have is the question, how many times will have to endure this over the years? I know there’s no way to discern an exact number, but I know for certain, it is far too many.

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Groggy

November 17th, 2006 — 11:36pm

I had my second ankle surgery today, and amazingly, it when far better than the other one. My throat is a little sore and I’m still a bit “out of it,” but more or less everything went fine….except when the physician giving me the primary physical noted that my heartbeat was slightly elevated and that I needed to have it looked at. But honestly, all that has to do with is sheer nerves. I would imagine that anyone’s heartbeat would be a little irregular prior to surgery. No matter how minor it is, there’s no telling what could happen in the operating room. For the past week, I’ve been plagued by nightmares of waking up in the recovery room minus my left foot, while the nurses tried to explain what had happened. If anything could cause an irregular heartbeat, I would say that is more than sufficient.

Having now undergone four ankle surgeries, I have the entire system down:

First the arrival at registration where they ask for anywhere from two to four hundred dollars up front, depending on one’s insurance, and the woman prints off the initial plastic bracelet. It has my full name, age, date of birth, the fact that I’m female (if that wasn’t initially evident), and my doctor’s name.
Then up stairs to the family waiting room, where they ask you who you are with and give you a rundown of the situation. If the doctor has anything to tell you, he may come out and talk to you prior to the surgery.
Then you go back to pre-op, where a nurse goes through your entire medical history: allergies, heart disease cancers, etc, and then makes you take a pregnancy test, regardless of what you have to say. Then you strip down to your underwear into that oh-so-ugly hospital gown that I’ve never managed to tie in the back by myself and once you’ve changed, your family or whoever you brought with you is allowed to come back and sit with you. The most nerve-racking part about the pre-op part is listening to everything else that’s going on around you. There’s something discomforting about hearing ALL the nurses complaining about just how tired they are or how ready they are for the weekend to come. It kind of gets me worried and all I can think about is how I would go lax on job, especially when I didn’t want to be there (hence the rapid heartbeat). It’s also unnerving listening to the nurses go over the same questions with other patients just a curtain away from you. Why do I know that the guy next to me is married, has had ACL reconstruction, a hernia operation and a vasectomy? Because he was loud and proud with all of his information. I suppose I am the type of person who just does not want to know about everyone else’s problems…Anyway, normally once the nurse leaves to grab my parents, I take that opportunity to pray, because really, you have no idea when you will be able to do it again. I didn’t today though. I guess it slipped my mind, as shocking as that seemed, but I did pray in the room just prior to surgery, as well as sang church songs to myself.
Once your family greets your in your beautiful gown, you get a moment to hand them any valuables, like the cross I never take off for example. Though now that I think about it, why would they need to make you take off something like a cross prior to surgery? I would think that if there was anywhere that I would need one, it would definitely be during a surgery where there’s no telling what would happen once the anesthesia knock me out cold.
After some time with your family, the nurse takes you back to the “other” pre-op area, where everyone is exceptionally clean and wearing scrubs and those surgical hats. Here is where you meet some of the nurses that will be in the operating room with you as well as the resident and the anesthesiologist. A nurse will administer the IV drip, which for me, has always hurt badly and even hurts more than my freshly operated foot following the surgery. From my own horrible past experiences with nurses taking blood, I know it is absolutely necessary for them to put the IV in my hand rather than anywhere else. I’ve decided that I’ve had enough of nearly passing out while nurses dig around in my arm searching for a vein that had just slipped out of sight, that the claim was just there a moment ago. One time, the initial nurse tried, then another nurse, the one of the doctors in the area and then finally they had to bring out a nurse from the neo-natal ward to administer my IV. Needless to say, I want to do everything in my power to keep from having, yet another disaster in pre-op.
The nurse starts the IV and the finger heart monitor, and you start to meet the others while you wait. Today, my heart really began racing when my doctor asked on which foot we were operating. Now, every nurse, doctor, whoever, you will meet prior to entering the operating room will look at your plastic bracelet and constantly ask your name, date of birth and on what they were operating, so this was not unusual for my doctor to ask me this, but when he looked at my x-rays and then looked back at me, I admit I got scared. He’d been given the information for my right foot and there was a bit of confusion, since my surgery time had been changed about four times before today. Fortunately, everything got straightened out, but seeing that the expression that not everything was going as planned in your doctor’s eyes, does tend to cause a bit of stress.
When I met the anesthesiologist, I was given this anti-nausea patch behind the ear, because I had also had enough for vomiting profusely due to the anesthesia. Miraculously, it has worked perfectly up to the moment. Should I ever have to go through this again (and hopefully, I won’t), I fully plan to ask for this patch again. Today was the first time, I’ve come to 11:00PM the night of a surgery and still feel fine, sans vomiting! (Oh, damnit! I missed Law and Order!)
Anyway, then comes a bit of a wait depending on how many surgeries your doctor has in front of you and the prep time required for your own. Sometime in there, they give you a little something to relax you a bit and before you know it, you are being wheeled down the hall into the operating room.
The operating room has never failed to be overwhelming for me. First of all, it is so bright in there, it is nearly blinding. It’s also freezing and regardless of how long those hospital blankets that they keep coming at you with are, you will definitely feel the cold of that room. The nurse and the resident will wheel your bed right next to surgical bed and have you move yourself over the stationary bed. Then, the spread your arms out across these posts that slide out from the surgical bed and they come at you again with the warmed blankets, while sticking you with the circular disks they use to measure your vitals. Once they do all this, (someone took my glasses, but I really don’t remember at which point) they come at you with the face mask.
Now, for the past surgeries they’ve asked me to count backward from ten, but for this one and the one I had in September, they just placed the mask over my face and I was out within five seconds. I prefer not having to count because the lower you get before passing out, the more stressed you get that the anesthesia isn’t actually working and you’re going to feel the whole thing.
When you wake up in the recovery room, you know that some time has passed, but it does not register immediately. It feels like you just closed your eyes for a second and then ended up in the recovery room. I’ve had all types of experiences waking up in the recovery room, from kicking people the foot that they just operated on, to feeling it absolutely necessary to get out of that bed. What is always a constant for me, is the thrashing. I wish I could explain, but when I wake up like that, I just thrash my head from side to side until I can get a grasp on my bearings. This time there was just a little thrashing, but the last time, I actually had a few nurse holding me down as I struggled in the recovery bed and attempted to rip the oxygen wire they had going under my nose from my face. The last time I also discovered I had a type of sleep disorder, where I nearly stop breathing while I sleep. They kept having to wake me up to get my oxygen back up over 90. This time, they had to wake me a few times, but it was not nearly as bad the previous.
When the nurses are satisfied with your vitals, they ease you into a wheelchair and to the post-op area where they help you get dressed and give you a little something to eat, since you haven’t had anything to eat since 8pm the previous night. Your family greets you hear and they give you any pertinent instructions before easing back into the wheelchair and to your car so you can be driven home. I’ve always had issues staying awake for any length of time while in post-op, because I really can’t sleep prior to surgery. I just feel like there’s something else that I’m missing or forgetting and sleep never occurs.

*Sigh*

I’ve gone through this surgery thing far too often and quite frankly, I wouldn’t wish this on anyone. Hopefully, this will be the last aside from something like childbirth….

Oh well: Here’s praying!

3 comments » | Favorite, On Me

Oops! I did it again.

November 17th, 2006 — 10:30pm

Whoops! Right when I decided that I was ready to return, I discovered that majesties of WordPress that not only allows me to import all of my old Xanga posts into one blog, but allows me a blog on my own site.

So, while my time here has been exceedingly fun and I am certain that something will happen in the future to make it imperative for me to return to blogger, I feel that it is time to say goodbye once more.

All of the posts from this blog and my Xanga, can now be found at my own blog: blog.doriennesmith.com

And so, Adieu….for now at least.

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Just to test….

November 15th, 2006 — 4:42am

Mmmm…..testing a blog….a new WordPress blog….

So, I’m kind of ridiculously obsessed with SVU. It is just interesting….I guess.

Hurray for testing!

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Staples….thou art blacklisted!

November 4th, 2006 — 7:11pm

So….I was put in charge of the plan to have calendars printed for our church, using images of members and of the church in general. The plan was tell sell the calendars to make a buck or two. So, I pester anyone I can think of to get various images from church events, I take the time to Photoshop the image for each month so that they all come out beautifully, I go to Staples and arrange for the calendars to be printed; I do all of this and what happens? I am totally screwed over by Staples!

I spoke to THREE different people at the same store on THREE different dates and each time I went over, what I wanted to be printed, when I needed them by and the final cost. THREE TIMES this was discussed and THREE TIMES I received the same answers. So today, I make some final adjustments to images that were too small on the proof and head on over to Staples to pay for the 100 calendars for our church where I learn that not only were their bogus dates on the calendars, “John’s Birthday”, “Nini’s Wedding Anniversary,” et al, they made sprial bound calendars instead of stitched, but also, the final cost was not the agreed upon $200 I had discussed with three different people; my calendars were going to cost over one thousand dollars!

Apparently, each of the people I spoke to regarding these calendars neglected to mention that the $200 cost applied only to pre-printed Staples calendars, not those with custom images; that which I needed for my church. Ready to burst into tears, I demanded to speak with a manager, who informed me that while they could possibly offer me my order at a somewhat reduced price, there was no way they could offer me the previously discussed $200 calendars. So, I took my proof and my order and walked out of the store, so upset that I nearly screamed on my way out.

It’s November and these are 2007 calendars. I am literally out of options because nowhere else would someone offer them cheaper. What irritates me the most is that I did everything I was supposed to do, and I still can’t catch a break. It was not like I was just stupid and ASSUMED that the $200 price referred to custom calendars. I asked three different people if I could get 100 calendars with custom images for $200 and they ALL said yes! I was sandbagged by the most incompetent group of imbeciles in the printing industry.

In the back of my mind, I think that I should have known better. I once worked for a Staples and left not four weeks after starting because it was clear that they were going to leave me at the Copy Center, all alone, and without any training. There were days when people came up to me and asked how much X and Y would cost. Since, I felt it irresponisble to give people a price and not have the information to back up the said price, I simply said that I didn’t know. Rather than let someone make an order and end up in the situation I found myself in tonight, I simply said I was ignorant in the matter, and hoped that I would later receive training.

All I’ve got to say is that I refuse to go down quietly. I will be telling my tale to anyone who dares listen. I will voice my utter disgust with Staples to any business I come across and I will be lodging a complaint come Monday morning. I was let down on something simple like church calendars. What if this had been something even more important, like wedding invitations or novel manuscripts? I refuse to buy anything from Staples ever again; even if it’s Staples brand staples. I don’t care! I would rather do without than give another dime to a company such as this. It just makes me wonder, how many other people have been hurt by this extraordinarily incompetent sham of a business called Staples?

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A moment.

October 30th, 2006 — 6:42pm

Yesterday, I sang in the Mass Choir for the first time. It was fun and we sang a lot of the songs I have loved throughout the time I have been coming to this church. I like the idea of singing in our choir. It feels like I am literally praising God (wow, that sounds corny), and I feel so good afterward.
Anyway, I’ve always wondered what is about that song “Stand.” It’s so emotional, no matter who leads it or which choir sings it. It always gets people to their feet and I had to fight back tears; not specifically happy tears, but just highly emotional. Then, came the altar call and I had to grab a tissue afterward. I looked around and half the people in the church were dabbing their eyes. I cried, not because of the song, but because during the prayer, I truly came to realize what our pastors had been saying for quite some time. At that moment I realized, every day with Jesus really is better than the day before. It was just an interesting moment for me, and it made me cry.

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I’m baa-ack…

October 28th, 2006 — 2:16am

After a nice run at Xanga, I’ve decided to return to Blogger to make all of my blogging fantasies come true. Unfortunately, I’ve run into a conundrum: all of my old Xanga posts lay stranded in that barren wasteland and if I turn my back upon them, nearly a year’s worth of thoughts will be lost for good. So, I will be posting at both until Google can meet my Blog Importation needs….or I just don’t feel like it anymore.

So long,
Farewell,
Tootles,
Ta-ta,
Adios,
Adieu,
Auf Wiedersehen,
Dasvidania,
Bai bai,

Goodbye Xanga!

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Serves me right for supporting anything from Michigan

October 27th, 2006 — 11:41pm

The Cardinals won…bah. They only won because I didn’t want them to win….

Anyway, the diet official starts tomorrow. Green beans for breakfast lunch and dinner, and carrots and fruit to fill in the empty spots if I feel like I’m hungry enough to eat my own thumb. It’s nothing, but necessary though. I went out, to pick up my wings, of course, and when I put on my winter coat, the same winter coat that could fit me with a hoodie on, the bloody coat just barely fit. And I was wearing a t-shirt!

I was so disgusted with myself as I had to mildly struggle to fit the buttons. There is no excuse for all this nonsense. I must have gained forty pounds in the past year! Forget the new’s resolutions, forget the to-do lists! I’m just going to eat green beans until I fit my coat properly again.

I can’t believe this is coming as such a shock to me. I’ve seen it developing day by day, week after week, month after month. And here I am. I’m not sad or depressed or ready to cry. I’m just angry! Angry with myself for allowing this to happen and then even angrier at myself because there’s no one else to blame.

Grrr! Diet! Tomorrow! Huzzah!

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Words of The Strokes

October 13th, 2006 — 8:00pm

Some days, the words of The Strokes, while not 100% applicable, can easily describe a day in my life:

What Ever Happened?

I want to be forgotten,
and I don’t want to be reminded.
You say “please don’t make this harder.”
No, I won’t yet.

I wanna be beside her.
She wanna be admired.
You say “please don’t make this harder.”
No, I won’t yet.

Oh dear, is it really all true?
Did they offend us and they want it to sound new?
Top ten ideas for countdown shows…
Whose culture is this and does anybody know?
I wait and tell myself “life ain’t chess,”
But no one comes in and yes, you’re alone…

You don’t miss me, I know.

Oh Tennessee, what did you write?
I come together in the middle of the night.
Oh that’s an ending that I can’t write, ’cause
I’ve got you to let me down.

I want to be forgotten,
and I don’t want to be reminded.
You say “please don’t make this harder.”
No, I won’t yet.

I want to be beside her.
She wanna be admired.
You say “please don’t make this harder.”
No, I won’t yet…

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Why didn’t I see that coming?

October 10th, 2006 — 2:29am

I have long since vowed to shut away the shallow, snobby and overall bitchy side of my personality forever. While I do manage to keep that part of myself in the dark, every once in a while the “other” me rears her head and I am left to face the idea that I will never be able to run away from which my primary education has taught. I grew up with rich, snobby, shallow kids and took on their personalities as my own because I simply did not know any better. It wasn’t until college that I decided that the “bitchy” way was not how I was going to live my life. I want to forget and pretend that I never was that way, and then there are days like today, when no matter how hard I try, it always comes back to haunt me.

First I received a call from someone from church asking for help. The bitchy side of me immediately flared up and I wanted to lie and say that I could not be of any assistance, but I didn’t. I decided that the Christian thing to do was to use the abilities given to me and help others anyway that I could. And so I sat waiting for my two-hour Judging Amy zen-block, feeling rather proud of myself for effectively beating back the snobby bitch-monster and doing so in a timely manner.

Now, I can’t really pinpoint why I’m so obsessed with Judging Amy right now, but that is for another day’s analysis. The point is, I am and for the past few episodes, Amy’s mother, Maxine has been hinting towards starting a relationship with her gardener. While the the gardener part didn’t bother me so much, because honestly, only a tried and true spoiled snob would automatically look down on someone because he or she was “the help,” what disturbed me was who was playing this particular gardener, Cheech Marin, as in Cheech and Chong do whatever ridiculous pot-smoking adventure they did back in the day. So for the past few days, all I could think about was, “Oh God No! Not Cheech Marin! She can’t be dating Cheech Marin!” Not because he was playing the gardener or because he’s Spanish, but because everytime I see his name I can only think of some poor, lowly and loaded, dirty, little, old man. And he was back for both of today’s episodes, well yesterday’s…, and in the first one, after I almost wanted to turn the channel from the ridiculous country music playing through the episode (and it wasn’t even fun country, just people screaming into poorly played instruments), Cheech Marin, the gardener asked Maxine if he could “court” her.

Of course, I was just beside myself at the thought. Maxine was supposed to be this respectable and good woman and here she was parading around with….with him! The second episode started and there stood respectable Tyne Daly, playing Maxine, hand-in-hand with not-so-respectable Cheech Marin, the gardener. At this point, I barely remember what else happened throughout the rest of the episode except the end. Toward the end of the episode, Maxine’s son, Peter is basically spying on her and Cheech Marin while they were sitting on the front porch and all Peter is saying is “I can’t believe she’s dating the gardener!” which, surprisingly, did not phase me in the least, because deep down, I now realize, I was really thinking the same thing. Eventually, Maxine comes in the house to tell Peter to stop spying and he starts to say to state the obvious, that she’s dating the gardener, but she cuts him off and tells him that he, the gardener (I think his name is Ignacio), is a good man and that she hopes Peter wasn’t thinking what she thought he could be thinking.

It was only in this moment that I realized that the old monster was just as prevalent in me as it always had been, and what was worst was that I hadn’t even noticed. I didn’t even see the shows message coming. The whole time Cheech Marin is on the screen, I have my eyes partly covered because I couldn’t bare to watch what was happening and, thus, I could not see what was happening. Of course, the show used Cheech Marin for the gardener, because whoever directed these episodes probably figured that the viewers would have some past reservations about Cheech Marin and the reaction to him dating Maxine would be exactly what they wanted. I didn’t even notice until the last moments of the episode that I was no different from Peter thinking his mother shouldn’t be dating “the gardener” in that, even in a fictional show I couldn’t get past my own prejudices and take an actor, a person, on face value.

….

It just gets depressing to think about how long it is going to take for me actually shake all the wrongdoings of my childhood. At any normal point in my day, I would never allow past snobbery (if that’s a word) to have an effect on my thinking. What’s frightening is that when my guard is down and I’m least expecting it, I revert back to the same old me. And that’s exactly where I don’t want to be.

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