Dorienne's Log

Like so many of my peers, I have had a ridiculously busy week. Unfortunately, some duties had to be shirked in order to make way for those who were most important…..sorry EGB….

Today, I had an interview with Limited Brands, Inc. and Monday I will have one with Anheuser-Busch, Inc. Both good companies and both simply ideal. It’s just this pesky business of graduating that is holding me back from all that I can be (in the corporate ladder sense). I am just so very sleepy right now, I haven’t the energy to look at my grades or make the necessary study guides so I can at least feign competence in my work. Speaking of competence, I had to attend a separate Micro lab yesterday (completely throwing off my entire schedule) and the entire lab seemed to be in the throws of incompetence, besides the fact that the lab is a complete and utter waste of my time….time I will mostly likely look back upon with scorn, knowing all the more fantastic things I could have been doing….

I’ve purchased a new fish: Bartleby Irving Trish Fish III. I cannot believe how much smaller he is than his predecessor. I suppose keeping the same fish for nearly two years, would allow for some growth, but it seemed so unbelievable whilest I stood in Petco searching for my new pet. My new Bartleby seems so small and tiny….he’s like a baby. I’ve been keeping him on my desk for now, since it only recently dawned on me that the former Bartleby did not float away from my hands as quickly because he had been so accustomed to me. Bartleby the second sat on my desk right next to me while I was in the dorms AND all throughout last year. It was only in this new apartment that I had decided to place him on my bookshelf instead. Though I do not plan on keeping Bartleby the third on my desk for another year and half, I do feel it is prudent to keep him close, just so he knows that the brown hand coming toward him will most likely mean food and not something to fear.

Yesterday was also Agent Scully’s birthday, and although The X-Files has long since been over, I could not help, but mention it, since it will probably be a date entrenched in my mind until I am very old. I’m not quite sure how to feel about continuously remembering the fake birthday of an imaginary character while never being able to remember exactly what went into the specific media I used in the last Micro lab.

Oh well…..

Cheers to my pretty fish!

Phew! Made it before midnight!

There are days, much like today, when I’m so very happy that I fear my own death more than sin, hate or all the evil in the world, because when days go as badly as today, a bottle of pills feels like just the right thing.

But enough of the suicidal tendencies and onto better things…

watched “The Guys” perform on American Idol tonight and, of course, “the Idol” always makes me happy. There were the performers who I knew had no business being there, while there were the ones who gave me chills; nonetheless, the guys were not half as good as the girls. I always know when I have found my favorite “Idol”: I want to download the song he or she sang; not the original version, the version they sang. Alas, it makes me wish I had the talent of some of those kids at sixteen years old…..

On another happier note, I welcomed Bartleby III into my home. It will probably be a few days before he gets used to me, but it is nice to look over at the bowl and think “Aw, he’s so little” versus “Aw, I thought he’d go another two years.”

I feel a little better now having accomplished a few of the priorities before the end of the day, and here’s hoping this slight sliver of contentment carries into the next morning when things really get interesting.

Nothing much to say about today, except the same old thing.

I’ve got loads to do so let’s see if the Will Do list matches to Should Do:

Should:

* Check messages
* Do laundry
* Send dry cleaning to mother
* Clean the bathroom
* Vacuum my floor
* Finish dishes
* Write paper
* Clean room
* Return library books
* Write Grandma a letter
* DDR

Will:

* Laundry
* Dry Cleaning to Mum
* Dishes
* Paper
* Room

….well, while it is still a stone’s throw from perfection, it will have to do for today.

Oh, and I miss my Bartleby.

Some time last night my Beta fish I had had for almost two years, Bartleby, died. Apathy followed not because “it’s just a fish,” but mostly because I felt everyone in the world would think such. It wasn’t until earlier this morning that I realized how often I unconsciously looked over at his bowl and smiled by seeing him and a real sadness overtook me….

This morning, I had an appointment with this “therapy” thing OSU offers….complete waste of time. I went with the hopes of getting info on how to stop procrastinating and tips on making myself a better person. I could teach a class on what must be done to be a “perfect” student, accomplishing such is the real trick. I left the office angry at losing that time I will never get back again, and once I got home (and glanced once again at the fish I took for granted), tears fell. Not for a long time, just long enough for me to come to realization that I’m all alone in this world. Though not actually; there are friends and family and what not, but to know that there’s no one in the world I can talk to about what truly ails me is quite the tearful thought.

**sigh**

Tonight, I will give Bartleby the second (the first died tragically two months after I brought him home) a proper flushing and tomorrow I will attempt to find a Bartleby the third who resembles the second enough to make me forget that anything went wrong today….at least, that is the hope…

Bye Bye Bartleby Irving Trish Fish II (April 2004 – February 2006)

As I sit listening to Jill Scott’s Beautifully Human: Vol.2 and reading random The X-Files fan fiction, I consider this past week’s events and wonder if I will ever have the strength to change my future for the better. Examining my lists from yesterday and comparing them to the events of last night almost frightens me. It sounds odd now that I think about it, for I know myself, but never considered the fact that despite all my best intentions, I know precisely what I am going to do hours or even days in advance. I know myself, but I never knew just how much of myself I know.

I had every intention of following at least some of List Two, but only accomplished List Three, minus the writing since technically it should have gone into List One. I can’t say if I should be glad that I know myself so well or sad that regardless of the fact that I know exactly what must be done, I always manage to let all of the other crap get in the way, often to my own detriment.

I look ahead to tonight (at 4pm, given that I’ve slept most of the day away), smile and wonder if tears are in order, for I know what tonight should hold, but I also know what tonight will entail. Will I venture forth on a brave new routine, choosing what is right over what requires the least amount of energy? Probably not, but I have yet to lose all faith: three days later and I haven’t lost interest in this Xanga thing yet. Perhaps there may still be hope for me after all….

Neither of my two goals were accomplished nor was any real degree of progress made upon them. However, I did manage to not only put hours into studying for my Immunology exam, I also gave myself a brazen head start on an upcoming paper for General Microbiology. Albeit, I had originally thought the micro paper was due today and that thought had only occurred to me at 3 o’clock this morning, causing me the kind of stress and panic that manages to shave years off of one’s life, the fact remains that the paper is more than half completed and it is not even the wee hours of the morning preceding the paper’s actually due date.

So now I sit typing (making this hour twenty-eight since I had last slept) and wondering: my goals of finished books and lost pounds may end up arbitrary factors in my life, thus making them failures by and by, and thus, last night I failed at my failures. And yet….by failing at failure I have managed to thrust myself one step further to graduation, a good job and a successful life.

I suppose today’s real question should be, How does one define success? True, a dependable job which followed a successful collegiate graduation would be a measure of success to my family and peers, but what about myself? What does Dorienne think of the plausible successes lying ahead in her path? Are they really successes or are they failures convincingly hidden in a veil of the probable happiness perceived for me?

Perchance at a later date, when the rehabilitating splendor of REM sleep has once again graced my presence, I may revisit these thoughts and questions. For now, however, I shall end with three lists: one of things I ought to do, one of things I could do and another of things I will most likely end up doing.

List One – Should Do:

* Clean room
* Do dishes
* Return books to Health Sciences Library
* Follow up with Limited Brands interview
* Follow up with Anheuser Busch interview
* E-mail Biochemistry professor
* Call Mother
* Achieve a good night’s rest

List Two – Might Do:

* Place library in bookbag for ease of returning them tomorrow or Monday
* Call friends I have not spoken to in a while
* Achieve a good afternoon’s rest
* Go to opening of Sky Bar and drink until I cannot remember which card I used for a tab

List Three – Will Do:

* Update website (calvin.doriennesmith.com)
* Edit a chapter of A Ten Minute Speech
* Play The Sims
* Fall asleep early in the morning and waste most of Saturday sleeping until 3pm

Today I’ve embarked on a new adventure, of sorts: Xanga! Why? God only knows….something about discovering new endeavors in procrastination and such….oh well.

True, I already have a website (www.doriennesmith.com) over which I have complete power and control, mwuahaha, and am not limited by the nonsensical web designs of Xanga; all this notwithstanding, I am here. I suppose I start a new blog everytime I wish to change something in my life in some significant way….Last time (kaitco.blogspot.com), chronicled (somewhat) the end of my heartbreaking addiction to Pepsi and caffeine. This blog will progress as I embark on a grave new journey; two of them, actually: writing and weight loss.

As an aspiring novelist, I suffer from many things, obsessive compulsive disorder and habitual laziness being the most dominant of the fine plethora of entities that plague my psyche. That being said, I hope to turn the tides in my behavior and I’ve often found the best (and most time consuming) manner of accomplishing such is through the use of “To-do” lists.

Writing — Goal: to finish my second edit of my novel A Ten-Minute Speech by March 4th
Weight Loss — Goal: to lose ten pounds before Spring Break, March 16th
How I plan to accomplish these goals is still quite the mystery to me, but fear not thou who hath not anything better to do, but read thus far into this entry; I SHALL update to my heart’s content, both ill news and good, citing all tales, both harrowing and boring, but nonetheless, awe-inspiring.

It’s 4am and I’m still up! It’s both ridiculous and sad at the same, although they can both often be construed together. I wish it was because of something wonderful like, I don’t know….I’ve been working or I’ve come from my guy’s house or some random BS college story that won’t be funny after age 23. But, alas. I’ve only done work on my primary means of procrastination, my beautiful website. True, I hardly get any hits and though there’s probably another year’s worth of work to complete on it, I trudge forward with it. I get obsessed with getting the code exactly right. There’s something about HTML that just feeds the need obsessive-compulsive need in all the right ways…or wrong ways, I guess. I’ve got exams which are in need of deep studying, but procrastination shall always overrule my life. It’s a fact that I’ve come to live with, oh well. How does the phrase go? Cela guerre? I don’t know…. I should have taken French, but then again, I should have done a lot of things. Like study more often for instance, instead of working on meaningless web design or writing novels that may never be published.
Sigh, sigh, sigh. Cela guerre indeed.

The best thing about my current internship is that I’m getting a first-hand glimpse into what my life might be like for the next 30 years. I don’t know what’s more irrating, the fact that I already hate it or the fact that everyone I work keeps telling me how much I will hate the job. It’s ridiculous at best.
I’ve decided to change the entire meaning of my first novel series, which is good since now it has a definite plot and might actually be interesting for other people to read. I should write far more than I do, but laziness overtakes me each day and there’s nothing I can do about it. Well, I know there’s something I can do, like not be lazy, but in the back of my mind I just keep saying “Screw It” and so I do, figuratively speaking.
I’m almost 21 and it doesn’t seem like I’m going anywhere. I guess I just feel like I haven’t accomplished anything, but then again, I’ve only been an adult for 3 years. I can’t help feeling that I’m 37 or something, which makes me depressed and then this whole cycle continues again. Oh well, the work on the website continues and so will the editing of the first book. Eventually, I’ll finish the first series or take a second to just sit and write like I used to do.

Two weeks ago, after finishing a 12-pack of Pepsi in less than five and realizing just how much sugar I’d consumed in that time, I decided that my addiction had taken a new hold and it was time for a change. Thus, I began the “no-Pepsi” era of my life and I’ll see if this lasts at least until December….

So, tonight while watching an ER re-run, I was suddenly overrun by the urge to drink, my third Pepsi of the day. Mind you, I’ve already had a breakdown in the “no-Pepsi” era of my life, by having two today and there I was craving a third. I tried to not think about, I drank water, I had a push-up pop, and yet the craving raged on. And then I looked to the small green Bible given to me by the creepy little man handing out Bibles on campus the other day for solace in my Pepsi temptation. I don’t know what I was expecting exactly, but to no surprise, I got nothing from reading passages on temptation in the Bible. After agonizing over the thought that I will never get back those five minutes I spent reading that damn Bible, the urge subsided and I’m happy to say, I’m back on track, so to speak. But then again I do wonder…..Perhaps reading that little Bible did work. Hmm……