Dorienne's Log

Yesterday was ridiculously tumultuous. There were leaps and bounds made that I never thought possible. I wonder how long this new venture will last, but perhaps with some reasonably helpful guidance, I may make it through. True, though I am still following the same patterns that got me into this mess, hopefully, this slight change can help get me out. I have, more or less, stopped lying though, and if anything, I think that is the greatest improvement of all.

Now, here is where a life-renewing path can be either debunked or followed most diligently:

Do I choose the quick and ugly path by having McDonald’s breakfast, or do I suck it up and make my own, which will prove to be far healthier and will not make me into a slug for the rest of the day, enabling me to study to the best of my abilities?

Decisions, decisions, decisions….

I finished a major part of my website….yay….I also have several finals next week, all of which need severe studying…
I have this feeling every once in while…this feeling of emptiness once I have either finished a project or stopped obsessing over one. I am always left wondering what the next step should be, and, often enough, I pick up something right away, but sometimes this emptiness lasts for days and leads into a depression that takes something really new to get me out of it. More than likely, that will not happen this time around, but I felt it was worth mentioning.

I just cannot figure out the why of it all. Why can I not derive the same energy and willpower that I have for learning Photoshop or perfecting my website into learning all the biochemical reactions I have thus neglected ten weeks into the quarter? Once upon a time, I used to hold an enthusiasm for this, but now….I know that my interests and wants out of life have changed dramatically, but can those truly amount to what I can make myself do? Was the real reason I did so well in high school the fact that I actually gave a damn about everything I was doing?

Hmmph…perhaps….

I cannot take much more of this.

Just when I thought it could not possibly get any more ridiculous, the sun rises once more.

I’ve just come from my Micro lab written practical and I would feel completely livid, if I could find the urge to give a damn. God! From the very beginning, the class was a complete and utter waste of my time and today simply proved the fact to an unwavering degree. We had a class assignment turned in two weeks ago, one that was not necessary in the first place, only to have it returned to us today, the day of the fricken practical! I look at my assignment and realize that I did it completely wrong. Okay, that would not have been a problem, had I received the graded assignment even yesterday, but no, I received it upon completing my practical. The problem? The practical had a problem IDENTICAL to the said assignment and I completed the problem the EXACT same way as I had previously. Had the TAs and the lab instructor taken an extra second to do their jobs, I would have had my assignment, realized I did something wrong and been able to rectify this issue on the practical. But, no! I have to deal with idiots and morons who do not want to be at their jobs anymore than I wish to be in their classrooms. The whole thing makes me sick.

Even more infuriating is the realization, coming to me through a fuming walk home from the practical, that the only reason I have remained a Microbiology major was because it fit in perfectly with my internship with Anheuser, and now with the great plausibility that I will not get a job offer from them, I see that the past four years of my life have been a complete waste. So many times did I think about saying, “Screw it” and just become an English or History or some bullshit, easy Humanities major and just find a job some time, somewhere that was enough to pay the bills. I would have been far happier as an English major than with with my current one. I just wish I had had someone to look at me say, “Dorienne, do what will make you happiest in the end” instead of someone pushing me to what he or she thought was a definition of success. Wealth and success are not synonymous to me and never will be. A successful life would be one where everyday one could go to sleep with a smile on his or her face, thankful for another happy day on Earth.

Now, my entire life’s strategy must be re-worked and I hate myself for not listening to myself and what I knew I wanted out of my life. Like it suggests in the title, hell is having to deal with other people. Some of the best days of my life have been spent locked away from the rest of the world for hours at a time. What does that say about me, I wonder….

Well, it took much longer than anticipated, but I completed something; not anything worthwhile, simply my Calvin and Hobbes page. However, what truly amazes me is how even though, the site is complete, and it appeared that I no longer had any excuse to not do what I have to do, I have just now discovered a way to improve it and will take an undefined amount of time to fix. The lesson here, I suppose, is nothing in the realm of procrastination is ever complete nor will it ever be completed. It is simply an ongoing cycle that is destined to doom me for the rest of my being.

My depression over my past interview is beginning to wane and I am, thankfully, feeling more upbeat about my ever depressing future. It is one thing to have a pitiful path lying ahead of me, but it is something entirely different to stroll down that path in low spirits.

Having just “completed” my Calvin and Hobbes site, I feel like any one strip manages to convey whatever message to which I am referring, and so the Calvin moment of the night:

…oh, and looking back through past posts, I’ve realized I missed my deadline for editing my novel…..but I’m warm in my blanket right now….

Food is good…..so is TV…..and so are The Sims…..

I’ll probably clean the bathroom as well and leave tomorrow for studying and going to either Brother’s or Skye Bar….

Nothing else to say, except this weekend, I SHALL complete something. I am not sure what that is just yet, but by the time Monday 12:01 rolls around, I will have something completed.

Sometimes…I feel so lonely.

When even my gay friends are finding new boyfriends, I start to get discouraged and eventually depressed.

But, now to watch my taped American Idol results…

Today, I am simply sick of the world and everyone in it….

Honestly, if I did not fear my death and the possibility of a Hell, I would start taking people out by groups of ten. Anyone and everyone who pissed me off, especially on a day like today, when everything has the potential to aggravate me. I want to sit somewhere rolled up in a ball and just cry until I run out of lachrymal fluid, but I don’t have a reason to do so and the thought of crying makes me feel weak in the long run, and I hate weakness, more in myself than in anyone else.

Life should simply be easier….I think Calvin & Hobbes best demonstrates this point and is the only thing to help ease my mood:

I had my teeth cleaned today and, of course, it had been months since I had been due, but I do what I can. My dental hygenist found a “weakness” in one of my back teeth and made it seem like it was no big deal. Later, the dentist and another hygenist come in, the hygenist with this long, white tube-thing saying, “Ready?” At this point, my amygdala is telling me to jump out of the chair and run out of the building, but I stay calm and ask if I had a cavity….my first EVER. My dentist informs me that it was the beginnings of a cavity and they just had to fill it with this “putty” to keep it from becoming a full cavity. Nevertheless, it was a bit of a wake up call in itself. My first (near) cavity…..oh, how the time does fly.

I suppose it having been nearly a year since I was last at the dentist’s office, a near cavity was somewhat inevitable, but as I sat in the dental chair, slightly fearing for my life as the hygienist came at me with that long sucking-tube, that perhaps a change in my lifestyle is in order. I procrastinate, like all human beings, but sometimes, most times, it is often to my detriment. It just feels so much easier to do nothing than something. Sure, I could go through all of my classwork and develop a study schedule for the upcoming week and sure I could make out my thank-you notes and even send them to my interviewers from yesterday, and truth be told, I most likely will do these today, just not know. Why? I am, like most days, very tired and just don’t fricken feel like it. I feel like playing the sims until about five when The Simpsons comes on, and around that point, I will start doing my work, that is until American Idol comes on, at which point all attention must be diverted toward my television.

I WILL do what is necessary, just not right now. My near cavity could have been nothing at all had I made my dental appointment months ago instead of just last week, but such is the way of my world and my life. Perchance I may make a change in my life and perhaps I may remain consistent with that change. I suppose only time will tell. I know this, however: should I get a job with my first choice company, I will make changes in all that I do, because (as crappy and sappy as it sounds), God must really want it for me.

Bleh. I hate admitting that God loves me….I know it’s true, but I just always feel so disgusted with myself for thinking it plausible.

I cannot find a webhost to store the music for my xanga to save my life. All I want to do is hotlink…that’s all, it is so ridiculous. I refuse to hotlink to my own site, I pay for that nonsense and it’s bandwidth. Bah! I suppose I’ll figure out something.

So, I’ve just come back from St. Louis and my Anheuser-Busch interviews and I wish I was in better spirits. I also wish they interviewed based simply on the person presented and past reviews and never grades, because CLEARLY grades don’t say everything they should about a person. Nonetheless, my grades are dismal and all hopes for a career there are slim, but I will not stop praying. After all, I’ve been with A-B for three years as an intern and even if they choose to kick me to the curb, I suppose I can always take the things they taught me somewhere else. I really don’t want to, but at least it is a light at the end of the tunnel.

On some lighter notes, I feel like I’ve grown as a person, by experiencing new challenges, like renting a car and navigating my way through an unfamiliar city for example. Half the fun was getting lousy direction both from Yahoo!Maps and from the concierge at the Sheraton Hotel.

Oh well….I suppose I am still breathing and I can still walk….I suppose life is good.

Bleh….I’ve missed two days….we’ll see if this trend continues to continue….

I am leaving for St. Louis today to see if the past three years of my life have all been for naught.

…the tension’s killing me, slowly, but surely.