Dorienne's Log

Bleh….I’ve missed two days….we’ll see if this trend continues to continue….

I am leaving for St. Louis today to see if the past three years of my life have all been for naught.

…the tension’s killing me, slowly, but surely.

Like so many of my peers, I have had a ridiculously busy week. Unfortunately, some duties had to be shirked in order to make way for those who were most important…..sorry EGB….

Today, I had an interview with Limited Brands, Inc. and Monday I will have one with Anheuser-Busch, Inc. Both good companies and both simply ideal. It’s just this pesky business of graduating that is holding me back from all that I can be (in the corporate ladder sense). I am just so very sleepy right now, I haven’t the energy to look at my grades or make the necessary study guides so I can at least feign competence in my work. Speaking of competence, I had to attend a separate Micro lab yesterday (completely throwing off my entire schedule) and the entire lab seemed to be in the throws of incompetence, besides the fact that the lab is a complete and utter waste of my time….time I will mostly likely look back upon with scorn, knowing all the more fantastic things I could have been doing….

I’ve purchased a new fish: Bartleby Irving Trish Fish III. I cannot believe how much smaller he is than his predecessor. I suppose keeping the same fish for nearly two years, would allow for some growth, but it seemed so unbelievable whilest I stood in Petco searching for my new pet. My new Bartleby seems so small and tiny….he’s like a baby. I’ve been keeping him on my desk for now, since it only recently dawned on me that the former Bartleby did not float away from my hands as quickly because he had been so accustomed to me. Bartleby the second sat on my desk right next to me while I was in the dorms AND all throughout last year. It was only in this new apartment that I had decided to place him on my bookshelf instead. Though I do not plan on keeping Bartleby the third on my desk for another year and half, I do feel it is prudent to keep him close, just so he knows that the brown hand coming toward him will most likely mean food and not something to fear.

Yesterday was also Agent Scully’s birthday, and although The X-Files has long since been over, I could not help, but mention it, since it will probably be a date entrenched in my mind until I am very old. I’m not quite sure how to feel about continuously remembering the fake birthday of an imaginary character while never being able to remember exactly what went into the specific media I used in the last Micro lab.

Oh well…..

Cheers to my pretty fish!

Phew! Made it before midnight!

There are days, much like today, when I’m so very happy that I fear my own death more than sin, hate or all the evil in the world, because when days go as badly as today, a bottle of pills feels like just the right thing.

But enough of the suicidal tendencies and onto better things…

watched “The Guys” perform on American Idol tonight and, of course, “the Idol” always makes me happy. There were the performers who I knew had no business being there, while there were the ones who gave me chills; nonetheless, the guys were not half as good as the girls. I always know when I have found my favorite “Idol”: I want to download the song he or she sang; not the original version, the version they sang. Alas, it makes me wish I had the talent of some of those kids at sixteen years old…..

On another happier note, I welcomed Bartleby III into my home. It will probably be a few days before he gets used to me, but it is nice to look over at the bowl and think “Aw, he’s so little” versus “Aw, I thought he’d go another two years.”

I feel a little better now having accomplished a few of the priorities before the end of the day, and here’s hoping this slight sliver of contentment carries into the next morning when things really get interesting.

Nothing much to say about today, except the same old thing.

I’ve got loads to do so let’s see if the Will Do list matches to Should Do:

Should:

* Check messages
* Do laundry
* Send dry cleaning to mother
* Clean the bathroom
* Vacuum my floor
* Finish dishes
* Write paper
* Clean room
* Return library books
* Write Grandma a letter
* DDR

Will:

* Laundry
* Dry Cleaning to Mum
* Dishes
* Paper
* Room

….well, while it is still a stone’s throw from perfection, it will have to do for today.

Oh, and I miss my Bartleby.

Some time last night my Beta fish I had had for almost two years, Bartleby, died. Apathy followed not because “it’s just a fish,” but mostly because I felt everyone in the world would think such. It wasn’t until earlier this morning that I realized how often I unconsciously looked over at his bowl and smiled by seeing him and a real sadness overtook me….

This morning, I had an appointment with this “therapy” thing OSU offers….complete waste of time. I went with the hopes of getting info on how to stop procrastinating and tips on making myself a better person. I could teach a class on what must be done to be a “perfect” student, accomplishing such is the real trick. I left the office angry at losing that time I will never get back again, and once I got home (and glanced once again at the fish I took for granted), tears fell. Not for a long time, just long enough for me to come to realization that I’m all alone in this world. Though not actually; there are friends and family and what not, but to know that there’s no one in the world I can talk to about what truly ails me is quite the tearful thought.

**sigh**

Tonight, I will give Bartleby the second (the first died tragically two months after I brought him home) a proper flushing and tomorrow I will attempt to find a Bartleby the third who resembles the second enough to make me forget that anything went wrong today….at least, that is the hope…

Bye Bye Bartleby Irving Trish Fish II (April 2004 – February 2006)

I hate malls. This fact must be known before I can truly rant any further, for without knowing that I hate malls, very little of what I have to say will make any sense. There is just something about Americans getting together in long walks of land, all with the sole purpose of spending money. Malls are different from say, grocery stores or simple markets. At a market, I can go inside, find what I need and be on my way. Malls, being simply so vast and crowded make it nearly impossible to find what is needed let alone, run in and out again quickly. They are designed to keep people inside, to ensure that even when one has had enough, one still has to maneuver through a labyrinth of “must-have” items simply to get to an exit. And, even if the exit has been successfully found, one is left only with a new plethora of shops, all begging for time and money. When I step into a mall, especially on a crowded Sunday, the onset of nausea is immediately felt. So many people….buying things….things they don’t need….digging through all of the sale racks….digging for hours on end….

Malls are especially irritable during the winter months because of the “coat-factor.” If one is wearing a coat designed to keep out winter’s elements, once inside a mall, the coat is no longer necessary. However, now exists the problem of what to do with said coat. Sure, it could be carried, but this said winter coat can become quite heavy over a course of time a short as 30 minutes and problem persists, with the added irritation that nothing was done about the coat when one first stepped into the mall. Some malls have coat checks for a small fee, but this option is simply not viable. Notwithstanding the fact that one’s coat may be set next to smoke chain-smoking hippie-type who might have picked up some new venereal disease while last wearing his or her coat, the problem remains of the implications of the coat check. Checking a coat denotes an ample amount of time will be spent in this mall. One is openly giving into the idea of wasting several hours of the day enclosed away from the rest of the world and spending money on wasteful items.

Middle class America constantly complains of not having it “all,” but it is the acceptance of local malls which complete the cycle. No, of course one cannot afford that new summer house on “the lake” if one spends thirty percent of one’s paycheck on nonsensical items like a brand-new wardrobe each season, or a newer plasma TV for the last room in the house that did not hold a television, or random CDs because said music is currently popular, but never will be again, or beefing up one’s DVD collection just for the sake of doing so, or spending hundreds of dollars on “special” bear that a child can “build” his or herself, or buying expensive chocolate which will end up in the exact same place as that two-dollar cheeseburger from the previous night, or paying money for commercial mass-produced art, especially when one’s house is already full of clutter…. More or less, I hate malls. They are the culmination of all things wrong with America: excess and greed.

Moving on, today I spent two hours in a wretched, overcrowded mall. I needed some new suits for upcoming interviews and apart from being thoroughly annoyed by the fact that the one suit for which I had fallen in love did not look right on me, not because of my weight, but simply that I am too short, I had what I like to refer to as an Agoraphobic Attack. All those people….digging through the 40% off racks….waiting impatiently in line at the fitting rooms….the rude Ethiopian sales woman pissing off each customer who came in path….all this waste; it felt simply overwhelming, in an angry, nauseated sort of way, and even though I was not footing the bill in this expenditure, the need to get out of the mall quickly outweighed my need for a “free” suit.

I have never understood the purpose of shopping just for the sake of shopping. In the back of my mind, I feel like a hypocrite since I have some 50 pairs of shoes, but all that can explained (in a later rant, of course). As for shopping, I have to ask why. Why? If one finds a suit that looks good and fits right and said suit costs $300, and one has $300, then buy the fricken suit! Why would someone waste precious moments of this life that is far too short anyway, digging through sale racks to find the best “deal.” If one does not have the money to spend, then don’t go shopping. It saves lives in the long run: no increased debt, no decrease of a credit score, no increase of crap that will eventually end up in some land fill, no decrease of manufacturer’s keeping their sites in this country and thus decreasing jobs available for Americans. By not spending just because one hasn’t got shit else to do, the world ends up being a happier place.

I am also annoyed by people in my house (who don’t pay a goddamn cent of rent) telling me how my house should be run, but that was just the proverbial icing on the cake, and I am sure the irritation in that direction was simply amplified by my having wasted some of the only time I have on this Earth buying stupid a suit.

Ah, Sundays….

As I sit listening to Jill Scott’s Beautifully Human: Vol.2 and reading random The X-Files fan fiction, I consider this past week’s events and wonder if I will ever have the strength to change my future for the better. Examining my lists from yesterday and comparing them to the events of last night almost frightens me. It sounds odd now that I think about it, for I know myself, but never considered the fact that despite all my best intentions, I know precisely what I am going to do hours or even days in advance. I know myself, but I never knew just how much of myself I know.

I had every intention of following at least some of List Two, but only accomplished List Three, minus the writing since technically it should have gone into List One. I can’t say if I should be glad that I know myself so well or sad that regardless of the fact that I know exactly what must be done, I always manage to let all of the other crap get in the way, often to my own detriment.

I look ahead to tonight (at 4pm, given that I’ve slept most of the day away), smile and wonder if tears are in order, for I know what tonight should hold, but I also know what tonight will entail. Will I venture forth on a brave new routine, choosing what is right over what requires the least amount of energy? Probably not, but I have yet to lose all faith: three days later and I haven’t lost interest in this Xanga thing yet. Perhaps there may still be hope for me after all….

Neither of my two goals were accomplished nor was any real degree of progress made upon them. However, I did manage to not only put hours into studying for my Immunology exam, I also gave myself a brazen head start on an upcoming paper for General Microbiology. Albeit, I had originally thought the micro paper was due today and that thought had only occurred to me at 3 o’clock this morning, causing me the kind of stress and panic that manages to shave years off of one’s life, the fact remains that the paper is more than half completed and it is not even the wee hours of the morning preceding the paper’s actually due date.

So now I sit typing (making this hour twenty-eight since I had last slept) and wondering: my goals of finished books and lost pounds may end up arbitrary factors in my life, thus making them failures by and by, and thus, last night I failed at my failures. And yet….by failing at failure I have managed to thrust myself one step further to graduation, a good job and a successful life.

I suppose today’s real question should be, How does one define success? True, a dependable job which followed a successful collegiate graduation would be a measure of success to my family and peers, but what about myself? What does Dorienne think of the plausible successes lying ahead in her path? Are they really successes or are they failures convincingly hidden in a veil of the probable happiness perceived for me?

Perchance at a later date, when the rehabilitating splendor of REM sleep has once again graced my presence, I may revisit these thoughts and questions. For now, however, I shall end with three lists: one of things I ought to do, one of things I could do and another of things I will most likely end up doing.

List One – Should Do:

* Clean room
* Do dishes
* Return books to Health Sciences Library
* Follow up with Limited Brands interview
* Follow up with Anheuser Busch interview
* E-mail Biochemistry professor
* Call Mother
* Achieve a good night’s rest

List Two – Might Do:

* Place library in bookbag for ease of returning them tomorrow or Monday
* Call friends I have not spoken to in a while
* Achieve a good afternoon’s rest
* Go to opening of Sky Bar and drink until I cannot remember which card I used for a tab

List Three – Will Do:

* Update website (calvin.doriennesmith.com)
* Edit a chapter of A Ten Minute Speech
* Play The Sims
* Fall asleep early in the morning and waste most of Saturday sleeping until 3pm

Today I’ve embarked on a new adventure, of sorts: Xanga! Why? God only knows….something about discovering new endeavors in procrastination and such….oh well.

True, I already have a website (www.doriennesmith.com) over which I have complete power and control, mwuahaha, and am not limited by the nonsensical web designs of Xanga; all this notwithstanding, I am here. I suppose I start a new blog everytime I wish to change something in my life in some significant way….Last time (kaitco.blogspot.com), chronicled (somewhat) the end of my heartbreaking addiction to Pepsi and caffeine. This blog will progress as I embark on a grave new journey; two of them, actually: writing and weight loss.

As an aspiring novelist, I suffer from many things, obsessive compulsive disorder and habitual laziness being the most dominant of the fine plethora of entities that plague my psyche. That being said, I hope to turn the tides in my behavior and I’ve often found the best (and most time consuming) manner of accomplishing such is through the use of “To-do” lists.

Writing — Goal: to finish my second edit of my novel A Ten-Minute Speech by March 4th
Weight Loss — Goal: to lose ten pounds before Spring Break, March 16th
How I plan to accomplish these goals is still quite the mystery to me, but fear not thou who hath not anything better to do, but read thus far into this entry; I SHALL update to my heart’s content, both ill news and good, citing all tales, both harrowing and boring, but nonetheless, awe-inspiring.

It’s 4am and I’m still up! It’s both ridiculous and sad at the same, although they can both often be construed together. I wish it was because of something wonderful like, I don’t know….I’ve been working or I’ve come from my guy’s house or some random BS college story that won’t be funny after age 23. But, alas. I’ve only done work on my primary means of procrastination, my beautiful website. True, I hardly get any hits and though there’s probably another year’s worth of work to complete on it, I trudge forward with it. I get obsessed with getting the code exactly right. There’s something about HTML that just feeds the need obsessive-compulsive need in all the right ways…or wrong ways, I guess. I’ve got exams which are in need of deep studying, but procrastination shall always overrule my life. It’s a fact that I’ve come to live with, oh well. How does the phrase go? Cela guerre? I don’t know…. I should have taken French, but then again, I should have done a lot of things. Like study more often for instance, instead of working on meaningless web design or writing novels that may never be published.
Sigh, sigh, sigh. Cela guerre indeed.