Dorienne's Log

I have been studying like one would never believe. Today, I have been trying to rest up and then attempt some Microbiology 521 here and there. I have also learned that my major has been changed for me before I had a chance to truly think about it, I have been given a job offer at Limited Brands, even though it will be a while before I end up graduating and I am still not sure how this quarter will turn out for me.

I cannot figure out what to do next, which is the best part of all.

And, our apartment is under siege by enormous ants! Not even slightly enlarged ants. Huge two-inch long ants that are so big they cannot move properly! The idea of it is just making my skin itch.

On a lighter note, I walked out of my Immunology class realizing that I had indeed learned something in my class. I cut my hand on my umbrella, pretty severely since hours later it has yet to stop bleeding, but I remembered that my body’s neutrophils were gathering and bradykinin was creating that searing pain shooting all through my hand. I was actually bleeding drops of blood as I was facing the sudden hurricane-like rain that had descended in the hour it had taken me to finish my final.

Oh well, back to the grind….

I have studied more in the past 48 hours than I ever have at any point in my collegiate career. I may still fail my exam tomorrow, but at least I can say that I did give it my all. I find it interesting that I can study and make all this progress on my website at the same time….it just goes to show…..what I cannot say, but I am sure it shows something.

Time to turn off the old Daria episodes and go back to the grind.

Oh, and I am graduating whenever now instead of summer….I suppose that will be all right in the end….?

Yesterday was ridiculously tumultuous. There were leaps and bounds made that I never thought possible. I wonder how long this new venture will last, but perhaps with some reasonably helpful guidance, I may make it through. True, though I am still following the same patterns that got me into this mess, hopefully, this slight change can help get me out. I have, more or less, stopped lying though, and if anything, I think that is the greatest improvement of all.

Now, here is where a life-renewing path can be either debunked or followed most diligently:

Do I choose the quick and ugly path by having McDonald’s breakfast, or do I suck it up and make my own, which will prove to be far healthier and will not make me into a slug for the rest of the day, enabling me to study to the best of my abilities?

Decisions, decisions, decisions….

I finished a major part of my website….yay….I also have several finals next week, all of which need severe studying…
I have this feeling every once in while…this feeling of emptiness once I have either finished a project or stopped obsessing over one. I am always left wondering what the next step should be, and, often enough, I pick up something right away, but sometimes this emptiness lasts for days and leads into a depression that takes something really new to get me out of it. More than likely, that will not happen this time around, but I felt it was worth mentioning.

I just cannot figure out the why of it all. Why can I not derive the same energy and willpower that I have for learning Photoshop or perfecting my website into learning all the biochemical reactions I have thus neglected ten weeks into the quarter? Once upon a time, I used to hold an enthusiasm for this, but now….I know that my interests and wants out of life have changed dramatically, but can those truly amount to what I can make myself do? Was the real reason I did so well in high school the fact that I actually gave a damn about everything I was doing?

Hmmph…perhaps….

I cannot take much more of this.

Just when I thought it could not possibly get any more ridiculous, the sun rises once more.

I’ve just come from my Micro lab written practical and I would feel completely livid, if I could find the urge to give a damn. God! From the very beginning, the class was a complete and utter waste of my time and today simply proved the fact to an unwavering degree. We had a class assignment turned in two weeks ago, one that was not necessary in the first place, only to have it returned to us today, the day of the fricken practical! I look at my assignment and realize that I did it completely wrong. Okay, that would not have been a problem, had I received the graded assignment even yesterday, but no, I received it upon completing my practical. The problem? The practical had a problem IDENTICAL to the said assignment and I completed the problem the EXACT same way as I had previously. Had the TAs and the lab instructor taken an extra second to do their jobs, I would have had my assignment, realized I did something wrong and been able to rectify this issue on the practical. But, no! I have to deal with idiots and morons who do not want to be at their jobs anymore than I wish to be in their classrooms. The whole thing makes me sick.

Even more infuriating is the realization, coming to me through a fuming walk home from the practical, that the only reason I have remained a Microbiology major was because it fit in perfectly with my internship with Anheuser, and now with the great plausibility that I will not get a job offer from them, I see that the past four years of my life have been a complete waste. So many times did I think about saying, “Screw it” and just become an English or History or some bullshit, easy Humanities major and just find a job some time, somewhere that was enough to pay the bills. I would have been far happier as an English major than with with my current one. I just wish I had had someone to look at me say, “Dorienne, do what will make you happiest in the end” instead of someone pushing me to what he or she thought was a definition of success. Wealth and success are not synonymous to me and never will be. A successful life would be one where everyday one could go to sleep with a smile on his or her face, thankful for another happy day on Earth.

Now, my entire life’s strategy must be re-worked and I hate myself for not listening to myself and what I knew I wanted out of my life. Like it suggests in the title, hell is having to deal with other people. Some of the best days of my life have been spent locked away from the rest of the world for hours at a time. What does that say about me, I wonder….

Well, it took much longer than anticipated, but I completed something; not anything worthwhile, simply my Calvin and Hobbes page. However, what truly amazes me is how even though, the site is complete, and it appeared that I no longer had any excuse to not do what I have to do, I have just now discovered a way to improve it and will take an undefined amount of time to fix. The lesson here, I suppose, is nothing in the realm of procrastination is ever complete nor will it ever be completed. It is simply an ongoing cycle that is destined to doom me for the rest of my being.

My depression over my past interview is beginning to wane and I am, thankfully, feeling more upbeat about my ever depressing future. It is one thing to have a pitiful path lying ahead of me, but it is something entirely different to stroll down that path in low spirits.

Having just “completed” my Calvin and Hobbes site, I feel like any one strip manages to convey whatever message to which I am referring, and so the Calvin moment of the night:

…oh, and looking back through past posts, I’ve realized I missed my deadline for editing my novel…..but I’m warm in my blanket right now….

Food is good…..so is TV…..and so are The Sims…..

I’ll probably clean the bathroom as well and leave tomorrow for studying and going to either Brother’s or Skye Bar….

Nothing else to say, except this weekend, I SHALL complete something. I am not sure what that is just yet, but by the time Monday 12:01 rolls around, I will have something completed.

Sometimes…I feel so lonely.

When even my gay friends are finding new boyfriends, I start to get discouraged and eventually depressed.

But, now to watch my taped American Idol results…

Today, I am simply sick of the world and everyone in it….

Honestly, if I did not fear my death and the possibility of a Hell, I would start taking people out by groups of ten. Anyone and everyone who pissed me off, especially on a day like today, when everything has the potential to aggravate me. I want to sit somewhere rolled up in a ball and just cry until I run out of lachrymal fluid, but I don’t have a reason to do so and the thought of crying makes me feel weak in the long run, and I hate weakness, more in myself than in anyone else.

Life should simply be easier….I think Calvin & Hobbes best demonstrates this point and is the only thing to help ease my mood: