Dorienne's Log

When did it become Wednesday? Wasn’t it just Monday? Suppose not….I guess one tends to lose track of time when playing the sims while watching the Lord of the Rings trilogy all day, making some time to attend classes. This week has flown by for me. And I think I’ve got a bit of a handle on what’s wrong with me….(haha) in a sense.

Crazed anger and sporadic depression figure into it somehow. Yet, it’s like once you understand something, the less daunting it seems. I don’t know if this has just passed until next month or if, now that I’ve identified the problem, that my brain miraculously corrected itself. I’ll probably never know.

Now, for more Sims, another movie and to begin bullshitting my English homework for tomorrow.

Sometimes, my own thoughts cannot convey how I feel. Interestingly enough, many times The Strokes do. And although not everything agrees with my present state of mind, it still works on many levels.

I’m tired of everyone I know
Of everyone I see
On the street
And on TV, yeah

On the other side
On the other side
Nobody’s waiting for me
On the other side

I hate them all, I hate them all
I hate myself
For hating them
So drink some more
I’ll love them all
I’ll drink even more
I’ll hate them even more than I did before

On the other side
On the other side
Nobody’s waiting for me
On the other side

Here we go
I remember when you came
You taught me how to sing
Now, it seems so far away
You taught me how to sing

I’m tired of being so judgemental
Of everyone
I will not go to sleep
I will train my eyes to see
That my mind is this blood as a birch on a tree
On the other side
On the other side
I know what’s waiting for me
On the other side

On the other side
On the other side
I know you’re waiting for me
On the other side

First, I fucking hate people. What is wrong with people that makes it so no one can just say what they mean? I have never NOT been straight with people. If I didn’t want to go out, I’ll just say, I don’t want to go out. No hard feelings, I just don’t want to. Rather than put a drag on everyone else’s evening, I’ll just stay at home when I don’t fucking feel like dealing with people. I have never just gone out to go out and then be bitchy all night because I didn’t really want to go in the first place. A prime example of a bullshit thing that I’ve never done, because I seen no reason to not be straight with people. In the end, you piss off more people by keeping things to yourself than you will by initially be up front about things.

If she didn’t want to go on vacation with us, she just should have fucking said it, so we could have made our plans and been on our way. But no! She’s going to dick around and not give a straight answer for weeks and weeks and then go off with her boyfriend for a week. Like that shit didn’t take forever to plan. Like she couldn’t have said, “Look, girls, I’m going off with him for Spring Break. You guys can do what you like.” It would have been fucking fine! We could have shared pictures or whatever when we all got back. But no! She wants to dick around and not say a fucking thing, and make us all have the lousiest break ever. God, I just can’t fucking stand people. The world would be such a better place if people just quit worrying about hurt feelings or some other bullshit and say what they mean. If she had just said that she didn’t want to go with us, yes, I would have been slightly angry for a bit, but then the whole episode would pass and everything would be fine. Now, I’m angrier than I’ve ever been in a really long time. Bringing home fucking Michigan seashells! Like that’s going to make up for fucking dicking around for weeks and weeks about going on vacation. It’s shit like this that makes people kill one another. It’s mental states like this, like the one I’m in now, that cause people to be acquitted for murder by reasons of mental default or whatever. So fucking angry!

I can’t even remember what I had for a second or a third. Fucking seashells! Goddamn, I hate people! Like I need this stress going into a new quarter….

I just need to calm down….I’ve got the relaxing music playing and I’ve fixed my laptop, to some degree. At least I know it’s problems stemmed from overheating and not some random virus or something.

There are times when I wish I had a gun. Sometimes, it might be nice to go off and shoot the hell out of something for a bit and then come home and relaxing, having already gotten out my frustration. Other times, I know that there would be times like these and I know I’d be writing this as a sworn statement or reliving these moments while being judged by a panel of twelve “peers.”

Deep breaths now….

I saw Inside Job tonight and I liked it. There’s nothing better than seeing one’s two favorite actors on screen together at the same time and do it so well. I thought it was brilliant, but I think anything that either of them do is brilliant, so I know my own opinion doesn’t amount to much.

….

Feeling slightly better; a little more calm, now. I think I’ll play The Sims for a while, then clean my room and gather my things for tomorrow’s classes. I suppose I could attempt to see this quarter off on the right foot.

No work or school tomorrow and no assignments to complete. I can actually play the sims without being slightly stressed because I have a million other things to do.

I bought Pepsi today to cure my caffeine headache from the caffeine addiction I have developed this week. I’m currently on soda number three and interestingly, I am feeling kind of tired, although I have been up for quite some time.

Oh well, two glorious days of Spring Break, then it is back to the grind.

Tired today…very, very tired, but it is nearly the end of the week.

My great aunt, it seems has Alzheimer’s and she has to be put in a nursing home.

I made my grandmother go crazy with worry by telling her the specifics of what happened when my mother fell off a goddamn ladder trying to paint the basement ceiling and broke her tooth, by her hitting her jaw, in the process.

I made both my mother and grandmother feel terrible when, upon seeing the nice warm slippers Grandma got my mother for her birthday, I said that Grandma loves her more than me, causing Grandma to send $20 of her fixed income to me for no real reason. I don’t even need it….

My cousin is trying to get pregnant, and the fact that she’s having difficulties and the fact that my other aunt could not have kids and the fact that my own mother had trouble having kids, which is why I’m an only child, makes me feel sad and depressed about knowing, if (IF) I ever find someone and get married, the possibility of not being able to have children of my own is very real.

I think I’m sick and Denzel Washington and Jodie Foster, my two favorite actors in the entire world, are starring in a movie together and I’m stressed that when I go see it this, it’s opening weekend, it will be terrible and I’ll have to feel different about the pair of them.

Spring break is almost over and haven’t done anything more than I’ve done earlier. I don’t even feel relaxed, just exhausted. The stress of school and graduation and finding a job and my family and my friends and the lack of having anyone in my life is starting to weigh on me like those stupid anti-smoking commercials with the squished kids.

I am happy, metaphorically speaking, about something that shouldn’t concern me and even if it went down, I would still get over it. Even if we could make it work, it still wouldn’t work and yet I still get stressed over the idea of it.

All my friends are going out tonight, to get nice and wasted and yet I have to be in bed by midnight so that I can be up and six-fucking-o’clock in the morning to spend another day at a job earning $13.40 an hour and contemplating my future, all the while wondering if any of this is worth it.

I wish I were a different person. I wish I was taller, thinner, smarter, prettier, more religious, happier, more energetic, lighter or darker or just all the same complexion all over, had less acne, was in love someone who loved me, had an all black kitten that I could call either Hermione or Puppy and not be allergic. I wish I were a writer, a teacher, pianist, cellist, violinist, web designer, better flutist, singer, runner or simply an athlete all together. I wish I could turn 25 and stay there forever. I wish I could sit and watch my favorite movies all day long and never tire of them. I wish I could eat anything covered in Alfredo sauce and never get full or sick from it. I wish that all sweet things would stay sweet and pretty things stay pretty, that people never died or grew old or sick of one another. I wish I knew for certain if there was a heaven or hell or an after life or if life was the real hell and I’ll be doomed to keep living this evil circle over and over until I am amongst those alive when the rapture occurs, or when the sun starts to die and I have to make the choice of either staying behind on the earth to be burned away by the dying sun or leave the one I love, because at least hopefully in one of my lives, I’ll be in love, and hop on the last of the space shuttles leaving the earth in search of a new planet to inhabit and destroy.

I wish I had the strength to remember where I was going with this post.

And, I’m so very tired.

Yay! Chicken Little finally got kicked off American Idol!
Sigh…my life is yielding one disappointment after another.
Yay! Marriage is not the reason for it!
Sigh…there’s so much to do and I don’t want to do any of it; ever.

If I told this series of emotions to a psychiatrist, he or she would begin reaching for the prescription pad. This isn’t normal, but I can’t help the way I think and feel. One minute, everything is cool and the next, I am nearing a nervous disorder.

Yay! I am watching X-Files while I type.
Sigh…I feel too tired to write.
Yay! The week is almost over.
Sigh…another moment closer toward the end of a life that may never be remembered and the world would have been the same whether or not I had lived….

Oh, my poor Xanga….it’s been days….

Yesterday, I finally started my ‘plain-paper-pencil’ write of the first Luka book. I am calling it Sounds of Revolution for now, but who knows what it will be when I finally finish.

It’s been so long since I wrote, really wrote a new novel for the first time. I’m not in a re-write phase at all, it’s just straight creative and it gives me this rush that I could only compare to some drug akin to coke or heroin. It’s magical and I hate that there aren’t more hours in the day so that I could write for some eight hours then get a good night’s rest, then go to work at Anheuser, bright and early…..When the ideas really start flowing, the only thing that irritates me is that my hands won’t move fast enough to keep up with the thoughts coming from me.

On other notes, I can’t believe they are getting married. If you don’t have money to buy a ring, you don’t have the money, or sense, to get married less than a year when you first started dating, but all that’s besides the point.

I’m worried that he’s getting married and it makes me aggravated with myself. I don’t want him even though I did years ago, but thinking about it now makes me seriously fret about it. Why? I could never been with him; we’re not as close now, but the thought of it makes my heart skip a beat. And why be so ambiguous about it…..God, I have to know! I think I’ll ask every single day until I get an answer. At least then I can start to make my peace about it.

If he is, I hope I’m not invited. I don’t think I could sit through that wedding…..not without doing something really ridiculous.

Yesterday, I had something slightly important to say, but was rushed out of the house for some other reason, probably pertaining to going out to dinner with the rents, being that it was my mum’s birthday and all. Whatever it was I was going to say, is completely gone and the fact that I am still slightly hungover does not help that fact in any way.

However, last night was fun in the end. I was not sure if I wanted to go out, but I did anyway. We ended up going to a crappy bar and eventually to Panini’s where we actually had our fun. I had not gone out in probably six or seven weeks, but for once I decided to reach out and make contact with my peers. There was of course the ever fantastic fun of trying to run away from some random homeless guy who was most likely going to rob us on our way out of the bar, but what made the night fun for me were the pictures I took. The last time I went out and took pictures, I looked pretty terrible in them. Last night’s pictures, I looked kind of cute for once and I did not feel depressed while drinking. I also saw a number of people I had not seen in months and surprisingly they were people I actually wanted to see rather than the ones I turn away from on the street. I had a good time, but it makes me wonder if next quarter I will be going out at all.

True, I had fun last night, but really only because it was St. Patty’s Day and I kind of felt obligated to do so. Would I have that kind of fun throughout next quarter though? Probably not…

Even though I have been nagged and emotionally harassed over the past couple of days, I feel like today has been a good day. I have validated a lot of code on several of my pages, watched nothing but old Daria episodes all day and now I about to go shopping for containers to store my old tapes, because I truly adore organizing things and I could not imagine anything better than organizing hundreds of tapes.

I am also going to make some things for my mum’s birthday tomorrow and buy her some fun things too. No mall shopping necessary; just a few stores that I have to drive to here and there.

It may be a good day afterall.

All the worries I have about global politics, the American economy, imminent war between any number of countries….while watching American Idol, it all floats away for a short amount of time. All of my life’s decisions relate in whether my vote will go toward Elliott or Paris, nothing more.

I need the simplicity of American Idol to allow me time to relax and just let my mind melt for a bit. The beginning ring of the show makes my heart skip a beat and I love the idea that for just a little while, I can let only one thing matter.

While it is just a show and it is just around to make money (and I cannot think of anything more American than that), I love it. From having my heart flutter every time Ace looks at the camera to feeling that chill I get when I hear Paris sing, I love American Idol.