Dorienne's Log

I had my teeth cleaned today and, of course, it had been months since I had been due, but I do what I can. My dental hygenist found a “weakness” in one of my back teeth and made it seem like it was no big deal. Later, the dentist and another hygenist come in, the hygenist with this long, white tube-thing saying, “Ready?” At this point, my amygdala is telling me to jump out of the chair and run out of the building, but I stay calm and ask if I had a cavity….my first EVER. My dentist informs me that it was the beginnings of a cavity and they just had to fill it with this “putty” to keep it from becoming a full cavity. Nevertheless, it was a bit of a wake up call in itself. My first (near) cavity…..oh, how the time does fly.

I suppose it having been nearly a year since I was last at the dentist’s office, a near cavity was somewhat inevitable, but as I sat in the dental chair, slightly fearing for my life as the hygienist came at me with that long sucking-tube, that perhaps a change in my lifestyle is in order. I procrastinate, like all human beings, but sometimes, most times, it is often to my detriment. It just feels so much easier to do nothing than something. Sure, I could go through all of my classwork and develop a study schedule for the upcoming week and sure I could make out my thank-you notes and even send them to my interviewers from yesterday, and truth be told, I most likely will do these today, just not know. Why? I am, like most days, very tired and just don’t fricken feel like it. I feel like playing the sims until about five when The Simpsons comes on, and around that point, I will start doing my work, that is until American Idol comes on, at which point all attention must be diverted toward my television.

I WILL do what is necessary, just not right now. My near cavity could have been nothing at all had I made my dental appointment months ago instead of just last week, but such is the way of my world and my life. Perchance I may make a change in my life and perhaps I may remain consistent with that change. I suppose only time will tell. I know this, however: should I get a job with my first choice company, I will make changes in all that I do, because (as crappy and sappy as it sounds), God must really want it for me.

Bleh. I hate admitting that God loves me….I know it’s true, but I just always feel so disgusted with myself for thinking it plausible.

I cannot find a webhost to store the music for my xanga to save my life. All I want to do is hotlink…that’s all, it is so ridiculous. I refuse to hotlink to my own site, I pay for that nonsense and it’s bandwidth. Bah! I suppose I’ll figure out something.

So, I’ve just come back from St. Louis and my Anheuser-Busch interviews and I wish I was in better spirits. I also wish they interviewed based simply on the person presented and past reviews and never grades, because CLEARLY grades don’t say everything they should about a person. Nonetheless, my grades are dismal and all hopes for a career there are slim, but I will not stop praying. After all, I’ve been with A-B for three years as an intern and even if they choose to kick me to the curb, I suppose I can always take the things they taught me somewhere else. I really don’t want to, but at least it is a light at the end of the tunnel.

On some lighter notes, I feel like I’ve grown as a person, by experiencing new challenges, like renting a car and navigating my way through an unfamiliar city for example. Half the fun was getting lousy direction both from Yahoo!Maps and from the concierge at the Sheraton Hotel.

Oh well….I suppose I am still breathing and I can still walk….I suppose life is good.

Bleh….I’ve missed two days….we’ll see if this trend continues to continue….

I am leaving for St. Louis today to see if the past three years of my life have all been for naught.

…the tension’s killing me, slowly, but surely.

Like so many of my peers, I have had a ridiculously busy week. Unfortunately, some duties had to be shirked in order to make way for those who were most important…..sorry EGB….

Today, I had an interview with Limited Brands, Inc. and Monday I will have one with Anheuser-Busch, Inc. Both good companies and both simply ideal. It’s just this pesky business of graduating that is holding me back from all that I can be (in the corporate ladder sense). I am just so very sleepy right now, I haven’t the energy to look at my grades or make the necessary study guides so I can at least feign competence in my work. Speaking of competence, I had to attend a separate Micro lab yesterday (completely throwing off my entire schedule) and the entire lab seemed to be in the throws of incompetence, besides the fact that the lab is a complete and utter waste of my time….time I will mostly likely look back upon with scorn, knowing all the more fantastic things I could have been doing….

I’ve purchased a new fish: Bartleby Irving Trish Fish III. I cannot believe how much smaller he is than his predecessor. I suppose keeping the same fish for nearly two years, would allow for some growth, but it seemed so unbelievable whilest I stood in Petco searching for my new pet. My new Bartleby seems so small and tiny….he’s like a baby. I’ve been keeping him on my desk for now, since it only recently dawned on me that the former Bartleby did not float away from my hands as quickly because he had been so accustomed to me. Bartleby the second sat on my desk right next to me while I was in the dorms AND all throughout last year. It was only in this new apartment that I had decided to place him on my bookshelf instead. Though I do not plan on keeping Bartleby the third on my desk for another year and half, I do feel it is prudent to keep him close, just so he knows that the brown hand coming toward him will most likely mean food and not something to fear.

Yesterday was also Agent Scully’s birthday, and although The X-Files has long since been over, I could not help, but mention it, since it will probably be a date entrenched in my mind until I am very old. I’m not quite sure how to feel about continuously remembering the fake birthday of an imaginary character while never being able to remember exactly what went into the specific media I used in the last Micro lab.

Oh well…..

Cheers to my pretty fish!

Phew! Made it before midnight!

There are days, much like today, when I’m so very happy that I fear my own death more than sin, hate or all the evil in the world, because when days go as badly as today, a bottle of pills feels like just the right thing.

But enough of the suicidal tendencies and onto better things…

watched “The Guys” perform on American Idol tonight and, of course, “the Idol” always makes me happy. There were the performers who I knew had no business being there, while there were the ones who gave me chills; nonetheless, the guys were not half as good as the girls. I always know when I have found my favorite “Idol”: I want to download the song he or she sang; not the original version, the version they sang. Alas, it makes me wish I had the talent of some of those kids at sixteen years old…..

On another happier note, I welcomed Bartleby III into my home. It will probably be a few days before he gets used to me, but it is nice to look over at the bowl and think “Aw, he’s so little” versus “Aw, I thought he’d go another two years.”

I feel a little better now having accomplished a few of the priorities before the end of the day, and here’s hoping this slight sliver of contentment carries into the next morning when things really get interesting.

Nothing much to say about today, except the same old thing.

I’ve got loads to do so let’s see if the Will Do list matches to Should Do:

Should:

* Check messages
* Do laundry
* Send dry cleaning to mother
* Clean the bathroom
* Vacuum my floor
* Finish dishes
* Write paper
* Clean room
* Return library books
* Write Grandma a letter
* DDR

Will:

* Laundry
* Dry Cleaning to Mum
* Dishes
* Paper
* Room

….well, while it is still a stone’s throw from perfection, it will have to do for today.

Oh, and I miss my Bartleby.

Some time last night my Beta fish I had had for almost two years, Bartleby, died. Apathy followed not because “it’s just a fish,” but mostly because I felt everyone in the world would think such. It wasn’t until earlier this morning that I realized how often I unconsciously looked over at his bowl and smiled by seeing him and a real sadness overtook me….

This morning, I had an appointment with this “therapy” thing OSU offers….complete waste of time. I went with the hopes of getting info on how to stop procrastinating and tips on making myself a better person. I could teach a class on what must be done to be a “perfect” student, accomplishing such is the real trick. I left the office angry at losing that time I will never get back again, and once I got home (and glanced once again at the fish I took for granted), tears fell. Not for a long time, just long enough for me to come to realization that I’m all alone in this world. Though not actually; there are friends and family and what not, but to know that there’s no one in the world I can talk to about what truly ails me is quite the tearful thought.

**sigh**

Tonight, I will give Bartleby the second (the first died tragically two months after I brought him home) a proper flushing and tomorrow I will attempt to find a Bartleby the third who resembles the second enough to make me forget that anything went wrong today….at least, that is the hope…

Bye Bye Bartleby Irving Trish Fish II (April 2004 – February 2006)

I hate malls. This fact must be known before I can truly rant any further, for without knowing that I hate malls, very little of what I have to say will make any sense. There is just something about Americans getting together in long walks of land, all with the sole purpose of spending money. Malls are different from say, grocery stores or simple markets. At a market, I can go inside, find what I need and be on my way. Malls, being simply so vast and crowded make it nearly impossible to find what is needed let alone, run in and out again quickly. They are designed to keep people inside, to ensure that even when one has had enough, one still has to maneuver through a labyrinth of “must-have” items simply to get to an exit. And, even if the exit has been successfully found, one is left only with a new plethora of shops, all begging for time and money. When I step into a mall, especially on a crowded Sunday, the onset of nausea is immediately felt. So many people….buying things….things they don’t need….digging through all of the sale racks….digging for hours on end….

Malls are especially irritable during the winter months because of the “coat-factor.” If one is wearing a coat designed to keep out winter’s elements, once inside a mall, the coat is no longer necessary. However, now exists the problem of what to do with said coat. Sure, it could be carried, but this said winter coat can become quite heavy over a course of time a short as 30 minutes and problem persists, with the added irritation that nothing was done about the coat when one first stepped into the mall. Some malls have coat checks for a small fee, but this option is simply not viable. Notwithstanding the fact that one’s coat may be set next to smoke chain-smoking hippie-type who might have picked up some new venereal disease while last wearing his or her coat, the problem remains of the implications of the coat check. Checking a coat denotes an ample amount of time will be spent in this mall. One is openly giving into the idea of wasting several hours of the day enclosed away from the rest of the world and spending money on wasteful items.

Middle class America constantly complains of not having it “all,” but it is the acceptance of local malls which complete the cycle. No, of course one cannot afford that new summer house on “the lake” if one spends thirty percent of one’s paycheck on nonsensical items like a brand-new wardrobe each season, or a newer plasma TV for the last room in the house that did not hold a television, or random CDs because said music is currently popular, but never will be again, or beefing up one’s DVD collection just for the sake of doing so, or spending hundreds of dollars on “special” bear that a child can “build” his or herself, or buying expensive chocolate which will end up in the exact same place as that two-dollar cheeseburger from the previous night, or paying money for commercial mass-produced art, especially when one’s house is already full of clutter…. More or less, I hate malls. They are the culmination of all things wrong with America: excess and greed.

Moving on, today I spent two hours in a wretched, overcrowded mall. I needed some new suits for upcoming interviews and apart from being thoroughly annoyed by the fact that the one suit for which I had fallen in love did not look right on me, not because of my weight, but simply that I am too short, I had what I like to refer to as an Agoraphobic Attack. All those people….digging through the 40% off racks….waiting impatiently in line at the fitting rooms….the rude Ethiopian sales woman pissing off each customer who came in path….all this waste; it felt simply overwhelming, in an angry, nauseated sort of way, and even though I was not footing the bill in this expenditure, the need to get out of the mall quickly outweighed my need for a “free” suit.

I have never understood the purpose of shopping just for the sake of shopping. In the back of my mind, I feel like a hypocrite since I have some 50 pairs of shoes, but all that can explained (in a later rant, of course). As for shopping, I have to ask why. Why? If one finds a suit that looks good and fits right and said suit costs $300, and one has $300, then buy the fricken suit! Why would someone waste precious moments of this life that is far too short anyway, digging through sale racks to find the best “deal.” If one does not have the money to spend, then don’t go shopping. It saves lives in the long run: no increased debt, no decrease of a credit score, no increase of crap that will eventually end up in some land fill, no decrease of manufacturer’s keeping their sites in this country and thus decreasing jobs available for Americans. By not spending just because one hasn’t got shit else to do, the world ends up being a happier place.

I am also annoyed by people in my house (who don’t pay a goddamn cent of rent) telling me how my house should be run, but that was just the proverbial icing on the cake, and I am sure the irritation in that direction was simply amplified by my having wasted some of the only time I have on this Earth buying stupid a suit.

Ah, Sundays….

**Sigh**

There is something about having a blog that is slightly unnerving…..that being someone who knows so little (myself) can have so much to say about absolutely nothing.

**Sigh**

I’ve created a Xanga instead….more pizazz I suppose: www.xanga.com/kaitco

I’ll come back though….and of course Dorienne Smith.com is always there to provide life with meaning….

As I sit listening to Jill Scott’s Beautifully Human: Vol.2 and reading random The X-Files fan fiction, I consider this past week’s events and wonder if I will ever have the strength to change my future for the better. Examining my lists from yesterday and comparing them to the events of last night almost frightens me. It sounds odd now that I think about it, for I know myself, but never considered the fact that despite all my best intentions, I know precisely what I am going to do hours or even days in advance. I know myself, but I never knew just how much of myself I know.

I had every intention of following at least some of List Two, but only accomplished List Three, minus the writing since technically it should have gone into List One. I can’t say if I should be glad that I know myself so well or sad that regardless of the fact that I know exactly what must be done, I always manage to let all of the other crap get in the way, often to my own detriment.

I look ahead to tonight (at 4pm, given that I’ve slept most of the day away), smile and wonder if tears are in order, for I know what tonight should hold, but I also know what tonight will entail. Will I venture forth on a brave new routine, choosing what is right over what requires the least amount of energy? Probably not, but I have yet to lose all faith: three days later and I haven’t lost interest in this Xanga thing yet. Perhaps there may still be hope for me after all….