Dorienne's Log

I hate how apathetic I’ve become in so few years. Nothing seems to phase me any longer. Take this Virginia Tech tragedy for example. A part of me feels like it’s a bit melodramatic even calling it a tragedy, even though it really is one. I read the story first on the BBC and my first thought was, “Oh…that sucks, but it was just 32 people.” I’ve become so desensitized to violence that hearing about 32 kids my age losing their lives because of some psycho barely bothers me at all. In fact, I originally thought the number was higher, closer to 38 or 39, but the fact is, it still didn’t bother me.

What did rub me the wrong way was the fact that I was so accustomed to the violence. I think ever since September 11th, I’ve never been able to see violence and hatred the same way. About a year or so after September 11th, there was a train explosion in Spain due to terrorists and I remember thinking, “Oh…only 200 people died…well, I’ll be sad once it gets past 3323.” Hearing about planes crashing taking the lives of 200 people or bombs exploding claiming another 20 or 30 seems like an everyday thing and I’m not even remotely shaken by it. That’s what scares me most. What lies in the future that will make September 11th look like an “Oh…well, that sucks” moment for me?

A part of me wonders if this is just my defense mechanism, not caring that is. Perhaps indifference is my way of handling things I see each week that are really too much for me to really handle. I keep hearing people equate present times to Gomorrah and the fall of the Roman Empire and such, but still, I don’t seem to care. Older adults around me act like the world has gone completely downhill since the 70s and 80s, but I don’t see it. People are still just as ignorant now as they were when I was a child. There are the twelve-year-old whores now, just like there were when I was in middle school and there are school shootings in places one wouldn’t expect now just as there were when I was younger. Nothing’s actually changed. The world is just as screwed up now as it was when I was born. I just think the internet has made that fact more apparent to a wider audience, and what’s disturbing about all of this is that I really don’t care.

I’ve found a spider on my window and now I am fearful of approaching the area surrounding the window. The bug people are coming today; maybe they can take care of some of the problem as they spray for bees.

I’ve been doing a lot of work my The X-Files site and thus learning info on Ms. Anderson and such, and it’s got me thinking about how much I hate Hollywood. This of course, follows the knowledge of Hollywood making a film about September 11th. Rage actually flows through my veins when I think about the audacity of these people. How dare they think after less than five years it even remotely appropriate to show a film about the tragedy? I hope it bombs harder than the US over Iraq. My hope is that anyone who has anything to do with that film, never works in any venue ever again. May they all fester in unemployment lines and die of starvation thereafter. The very idea of it is nauseating. As if Michael Moore was not bad enough, now we have Hollywood jumping on the September 11th romanticism band-wagon. I just can’t stand it.

I was about to join a Facebook group about hating people, when I realized that it took a lot of nerve to join any hate group, even if it was all about hating the stupid. Hate is something to be written and put away so that it does not come to light and delve the world deeper into its own madness. Joining a group about hating people makes me hate the people who were on the damn thing.

I’ve got to start studying more. I’ve wasted forty dollars on the newest Sims 2 expansion and really it was not worth it. I’ve no desire to use the new features; it hasn’t added anything to the game. Why do I allow myself to wallow in my own damn stupidity?