Dorienne's Log

Why can’t I do it? WHY CAN’T I DO IT!?!

Tonight, the women of the church came together to fellowship and everything was…so nice, and positive, and good. We then came to prayer requests and I just couldn’t do it. I had requests. I have requests. Please, pray for my grandmother; I think she’s worrying herself into the ground, a little too literally. Please, pray for my mother; she sounded so sick when I spoke with her tonight. Please, pray for me as I attempt to venture back into the working world and struggle with these monetary woes of mine. I have loads of requests, but I can never voice them. Why? I’m always so frustrated with myself. It seems like it would be so easy to do, but I just can’t do it.

It’s like some deep, innate lack of self esteem. I don’t know what to do or how to approach this. Everyone talked so long about the women of our church coming to one another. That one of us hurts we all should hurt and bring one another back up again. But….I just don’t feel like I could ever deserve that. It seems like everything going on in my life is so insignificant compared to everyone else’s, and just I can’t let go of that feeling.

I realized something today when our Pastor did the invitation to the church-thing. Many times people go up to the altar just because they and other members of their family need extra prayer. I understand that times have been bad for me and I am certain that times will get worse, but it just feels like I would never deserve all of the church’s attention no matter how terrible things got. I could never imagine myself feeling that I had the right to ask for an extra prayer or anything just for myself or my family. I am always more than happy to give out extra prayers to any and all who ask for it, but I just can’t see myself as deserving special attention from God and our church.

What got me thinking about this was something I quickly glanced over while reading a verse in my Bible. It’s this special Women’s Bible and it had this little side article about how women often put all others’ needs above their own, and while we like to think of it as being endearing and loving of all, it may really be a type of low self-esteem. I have always considered my self to have the best self-esteem of anyone I know, sometimes….many times, it can be a little too much, but as I sat today thinking about how I could never really deserve a prayer from the church, the idea of my self-esteem’s real nature. I say that I have high self-esteem, but do I actually have it?

Everyone is pressing for me to join the young adult choir and no one will listen when I say that I can’t sing and have nothing to offer the choir. I don’t feel that I have….I don’t want to say “earned”, but it’s the only word that comes to mind…..earned the right to stand in front of our church and sing. I guess I just feel like I’ve got such a long way to go, that I have no business being up there, the fact that I simply don’t want to sing, notwithstanding.

I just don’t see what joining the choir will accomplish. I have nothing to add, and the fact that I’m not exceptionally exuberant during normal church service anyways, makes me feel weary of joining as well. Yelling, loud clapping or singing, or even just standing just feels like I’m being fake, like I’m trying to prove something to all the other members of the church. I don’t see that I have anything to prove especially since I go to be….feel a little closer to God for at least a couple of hours during the week. Being exuberant during the service feels like putting on a show to me, even if people are truly feeling the spirit, or whatever. It was that exuberance that drove me away from the church originally, and the choir is always excited. Every time I see someone dancing and acting as if the Holy Spirit is flowing through them when they are singing in the choir, I wonder if they ever feel it at any other points during the week. I think if you’re in the choir, you should also be coming to Sunday School and afternoon service, which I’ll be going to once I’m done with Anheuser for the summer, but I know not everyone does. The whole idea makes me start arguing with the logical side of my mind and I can feel myself pulling away from my faith again. I guess there’ll be no escape for me and this issue.

Anyways….I’ve got to do some cooking and then get some sleep so I continue with this job of mine….