Dorienne's Log

*Please note: Barack Hussein Obama is half Kenyan and half white and as such does not fit my definition of Black American, but I will use the term “black President” without this bias…for the time being.

I’ll say this first just to get it out of the way and make this clear: I did not vote for Barack Obama.

…however.

Throughout my high school years, I would read my science and history textbooks and say to myself, “I hope something new happens when I am alive.” or “I wonder what will make the history books in my lifetime.” Looking back, I cannot really remember on what I used to ponder when I answered these non-questions, but I know I can say, I never, in a million, billion years, would have thought I would live to see a black…er, um…mostly black president of the United States. I think I can remember saying in the not too distant past that the only way America would have a *black President is if he, emphasis on he, was a conservative to really help those who would only vote on race find themselves in a quandary, and yet…here we are.

Although am I still incredibly skeptical of his abilities and what he will actually accomplish in his time in the White House, I saw this image on my computer and almost burst into tears:

Wow...

To think that I…me…I would see a black president in the United States Oval Office at the age of 24 and not at 86 telling my grandchildren about the number of times “we came close,” but never saw it. It is quite easy to get caught up in the absolute glee that…I won’t say bombards because that word just doesn’t feel right at this time, but you get the idea… me right and left and I feel oddly conflicted by it. I’m “happy” it happened, but disgusted (once again) that my choice for a leadership position in my country has not been chosen. I voted for McCain/Palin, but there is something that is simply exciting at having a dark-skinned president and a First Lady who looks like me (except for those crazy, weird eyes of hers…).

At some point in the afternoon, I just said to myself, “You know, I don’t even care because we’re screwed either way.” but while I tossed and turned in my bed last night, I prayed for one thing and one thing only: “Jesus, please let America make the right choice.” Not put a Republican in the White House. Not put a black person in the White House. Simply that we, as Americans, make the right choice.

I still think the fact that we had our first female VP on the ballot will go utterly unnoticed, but I still think Sarah Palin is great and I’m glad she was cleared on those bogus charges. I still think that Hillary would have made a better candidate and, the more I think about it, I think the fact that she was not the Dem’s choice made me a little bitter, driving me from “moderately conservative” to “full-blown conservative.” I still think I did the right thing by voting for the person I thought would make the best president and not voting because of race. But, I will save all of that for another night.

I’ll save the rantings about the Dems cheating in key states, about how he could possibly represent the worst instance of affirmative action the nation has ever witnessed or about the fact that I’ll be singing the “Blue State Blues” for the next four years for another post. Tonight is just for…wow.

Palin abused power, probe finds.

Let’s forget the fact that this alleged incident was years ago and focus on the facts. A guy gets fired because he was not doing his job right and all of a sudden an ethics probe finds that a presidential running mate is accused of some wrongdoing? I like the fact that since the liberals have run the “McCain is too old” thing into the ground, they plunged how many thousands of dollars into rushing this “finding” on Palin just weeks before the election. Kind of like how the Bush administration helped Dick Cheney keep the fact that he shot and killed (and I know that man is gone and buried in a quiet funeral because the entire story has been keep so quiet since the incident that it is unnerving) a man while hunting, but I’ve never had anything good to say about Bush so I won’t get into that.

No one fails to mention that the probe began before Palin was selected as McCain’s running mate, but I follow the news as well as, if not better, than most of the American people and I can’t remember a darn thing mentioned about the probe until after Palin was selected. It makes me wonder that if this probe was so inflammatory why this information was not spray painted all over Palin by the Democrats as soon as she was selected as McCain’s VP. The fact that this committee so conveniently concluded their findings just weeks before the election stinks of liberal string-pulling and taking out all stops trying to win the election in the most underhanded measures possible, not unlike creating fraudulent voter registrations to beef up the numbers for their candidate.

What fascinates me most is that this in-depth probe could conclude so quickly. Monegan was in a dispute for the budget (in this economy, which has been in a downturn for years) with the governor of his state and when he gets fired because of his ineptitude, it must be an abuse of Palin’s power. Quite honestly, if she wanted to get at her ex-brother-in-law, there are many options available for her and there was nothing at all to be gained if Palin fired him because he allegedly would not fire Palin’s sister’s ex. Why not go after the ex directly? For God’s sake, she’s the governor! I’ll say it again, there are far deeper and more sinister ways to “get” someone if she wanted to do it.

This disgusts me like anytime I hear about a black person getting fired by their white boss and then accusing the boss of obvious racism when said black person came to work late everyday and had substandard performance. People, specifically liberals who are attempting to incite voter fears about a small constituency of Republicans (who also exist in greater numbers as Democrats, though highly shrouded through politically correctness and general garbage, as well), don’t want to focus on the facts. It is always easier to assume that a conservative has abused her power than to consider that there is more to a story than its face value.

To make this matter entirely disgusting is its complete lack of facts. Here’s a question, Monegan: if Palin was hatching some under-handed revenge scheme, why didn’t she give you the means to make the firing easy? And, if these means were available, why haven’t you mentioned this and why hasn’t this been discussed in the probe? Perhaps this is just an example of a disgruntled employee having another stab at his former boss at a time that just happens to be advantageous for the Democrats.

What is really going to make the country fall into a hell-hole is if Obama loses and we have to listen to the liberals scream racism day in and day out for the next four years. I can hear it now: “Look how racist our country still is! Palin has abused her power and McCain/Palin still got elected!”

Sigh…

Hopefully, Ohio is still as “racist” as I assume it is and our track record for choosing the president will not be tarnished in November so that I can hold my head high instead of singing the “Blue State Blues” for the next four years.

I’m not even quite sure how I found her blog either. I suppose I could search a bit and…remember that I’ve been branching out from the BBC recently just to see what the “others” have been printing in their news. I can’t say why, but I just can’t trust US-based newspapers anymore. Not to say that the BBC can be trusted either, far from it, but getting that independent view of the country far outweighs the leftist subtleties in American papers. Anyway…

So, I’ve found Michelle Malkin‘s blog and have had to literally (and I don’t actually mean ‘figuratively’ and am just using ‘literally’ because I’m ignorant either) pull myself away from the computer to keep from spending the entire night reading posts and desiring for the ability to comment. I love what is said in most conservative blogs. I think it is just a breath of fresh air after being bombarded with liberal sentiments at nearly every turn I make just because people see my skin colour and know I think the way they do, but I always approach anything wholly conservative with raised eyebrow and heavy skepticism.

Unfortunately, when it comes to conservatives, the radical racists love to associate as well and ruin just about everything they touch. It reminds of a Facebook group in the Ohio State network that was up a year or so ago where a bunch of kids started a “white kids” group and it, of course, was ruined by a bunch of bigots posting crap about Oprah and white power and blah, blah, blah. On face value, it was no different (well, it actually it was, but I’m trying to get to my point sooner rather than later) than the “OSU Black People” or the “I should’ve gone to a blacker college” groups of which I am members on Facebook. The only problem is that bigots latch onto anything that sounds conservative or geared towards whites and destroy it. With this in mind, I delved into Malkin’s articles assuming she looked something like Suze Orman, but could make a lot of sense to young, conservative black woman in a way that intelligent conservatives tend to do.

Right when I completely fell for her lack of any sense of political correctness, I started clicking around on the site and saw that she was of Filipino descent. Now, I’m almost ashamed to admit that the fact that she wasn’t just “another” white Conservative I agreed with and would look like I can’t relate to my race for finding her articles worthwhile was what caused me to not just Bookmark her, but also RSS her site, yet…when I really think about the person I am and the people I find “heroic” or simply admire, it doesn’t seem so shameful.

There is Oprah, of course, (I don’t care how much she spends endorsing Obama, she’s still a Republican since few billionaires aren’t and even if she somehow isn’t – on paper – I learned through some people that you can’t put faith in any icon or hero except for Jesus, but that’s a post in its own right.) who I admire simply because of who she is and also the fact that she is black, being who she is, and I know there’s no chance I’ll ever put Dr. Rice on the back burner just because she’s got a long-needed rest coming, so there’s no denying that I feel an immediate affinity for successful black women because they embody what I’d like to become and, though Malkin’s not black (if she were, I’d be quoting her posts like other people quote Scripture) seeing that she’s not white, but still thinks in somewhere near the same lines as me, another non-white conservative, just makes me like her all the more. There is something so comforting in seeing a conservative being a conservative simply because she can, regardless of race…

I love being a conservative just how I like busting liberals who think that because I’m an American who is black, I automatically have to fit their racist liberal mindset of me and I love “discovering” the fact that I’m not the only person in the world who thinks the way I do.

To quote her from a little something I found through Wikipedia:

I’m not Asian, I’m American, for goodness’ sake.

…and, to phrase it in the urban vernacular to which people who share my skin colour associate: You go, girl!

God, I’m so frustrated.

That’s it. I’m completely and utterly frustrated with life.

Hillary Clinton lost another state. Just so frustrating. I’m not even a Democrat and it still pisses me off. Why can’t people just be honest with themselves? Barack Obama IS only winning because he’s black. That’s it! If you compared him against a white senator whose full of “ideas” and only been in the senate for all of two seconds and then take away race, there no difference. People say he’s charismatic. Who the hell cares? Hilter was charismatic. How the heck do you think he managed to nearly take over the world? Charisma has nothing to do with leading the country in right direction. And, I think I’m just truly insulted by the fact that this is affirmative action at it’s absolute worst. I can’t even stand it. There is nothing about him that would make a good president. No one, and I mean no one, can explain to me how he’s going to beat McCain. Good God! If Hillary won, I would vote Democrat for the first time in 3 years, and I’ve only been able to legally vote for five!

Honestly, this country is just not ready for a black president. If Jena 6 can be manage to be national news, this country’s not ready for a black president. If the state of Ohio can vote Republicans into every other office except for the governor’s chair for whom the Republican candidate coincidently happens to be black, this country’s not ready for a black president. What is wrong with America? Why can’t we see past the flash in the pan charisma and quit getting caught up in the moment? The only way this country is ever going to see a black president is if he (and I say he because I will never see a black woman as president of the US in my lifetime) is a Republican. A black Republican will win the conservative vote and will win the proverbial “black vote” at the same. We’ll see how many of these “time for change” people will back the first considerable black Republican taking a shot at the candidacy.

Grrr! I’m getting to the point that every time I hear the name Barack Obama I want to throw something high into the air and shoot it into oblivion. I just can’t stand it.

I’ll just start listing everything else I hate about the world right now:
Gas is 3.45 a gallon. That’s right. I can feed two people off Wendy’s dollar menu for the same cost as a gallon of gas.

Working sucks. I’m just not cut out for this 40-hour week thing. In fact, I don’t think I’m cut out for any job, but I can fake it real well; that is, when I’m not actually crying over the fact that I can’t be perfect in a job I hate.

Hypocrisy is alive and well. *coughSpitzercough*

My weight is never going to be normal. I’m just going to get fatter and fatter until I’m one of those people who has to have a wall torn out off my house just so that eight people and a tractor to carry me to the fork lift so that I can attempt a risky quadruple bypass surgery.

The environment is in the tubes. Apparently, in fifty years, we’re all going to be dead from either some super virus that mutated from something that escaped from a lab, or we’ll all bake to death from global warming. Though, I suppose I could add freeze to death as well because if having two feet of snow follow three days of near 70-degree weather in March is not a sign of climate change, I don’t know what is.

School sucks, too. I just turned in the single worst thing I’ve ever written as a final. I deserve to get a C in a class where I couldn’t pull together two coherent thoughts for long enough to even come up with some crap that resembles a thesis statement.

I lack the desire to update any creative writing. Nothing poetic, nothing short. Just nothing. I know I have the desire to write or I would’ve abandoned this post after my “Grrr!” about Obama, but I don’t want to update anything to create anything new. All these ideas have just piled on top of me to the point that I’m all worn out and now, I don’t want to do anything, but go to bed.

In case it wasn’t already obvious, I’m losing touch with my faith. I think that’s probably just about the most depressing thing out of all of this. A part of me knows that this is just the ADD in me feeling ready to move onto greener pastures, but will Jesus ever forgive me if stray away for a bit…even if I promise to come back later?

Sigh…

This kind of depression and frustration is not supposed to hit until the end of the month. Well, hurray for surprises and multiple disappointments.