Dorienne's Log

Pasted from my wordpress.com:

I made it to see another year! Go me!

I was just going to post something to have something entered, but then I thought, “Dorienne…you know you need to write something today.” so I did. I got through exactly 1200 words and decided to break my mid-point in Chapter 7 into Chapter 8 after all, especially how I ended the previous part. It just read like the end of a chapter.

I wasn’t able to finish the laundry or about half of the full cleaning that I wanted before I left for Watch Night service last night, but I at least got the laundry sorted and the house straightened to the point that it feels clean, even though there’s a ton of dusting, etc. that needs to be done. I would have done some work today, but after trying to fight the headache, shakes, slight hallucinations and nausea that come with trying to detox from caffeine, I pretty much got nothing accomplished except for my 1200 words. I also played Kinect last night with my little cousins and, given that I hadn’t done any real exercise in close to two months, every single muscle in my body is screaming. It took me half the day to figure out if the pain was just from running around the house or if it was a new piece of the caffeine withdrawal, but when I remember all the running and jumping I did with the Kinect, I got completely psyched to get mine on Monday.

The interesting thing about writing is how difficult it is to get started when I haven’t written in a while, which explains so many of my lulls in 2010. I only went about 3 1/2 days without writing and I had to listen to only instrumental music to help my mind focus before I was able to construct a sentence. Previously, I’d go three or four weeks without writing anything and would then be surprised that I couldn’t get motivated to write anything worthwhile. I suppose one of my main lessons of 2010 was that I have to write every day. Even if it’s just a quick 200-word blurb, I have to get those juices flowing.

Well, it’s a new year and a new opportunity to get things done. In 2011, my goals are God and writing. If I can keep those things in focus, I’ll do just fine.

A PS to myself: I’ve got waaay too many drafts sitting on this blog. 2011 will see far more posting at this blog. 🙂

According to this article, making New Year’s resolutions often do more harm than good. What people mostly experience is that they can never live up to the high expectations they set for themselves and become depressed and embittered as the year continues because they fell off this bandwagon or went right back to doing what they had resolved to no longer do. I am quite guilty of making resolutions without having the resolve, willpower, whatever to stick to them and this year I just said, “To heck with it.”

My mother always told me the superstition regarding how one brings in the new year. Essentially, how you bring in the year is how you will live the year. In some regards, this is true. For example, I rang in 2005 drunk, a little depressed and drinking with people I really didn’t like and most of my year was spent drunk, a little depressed and around people I just wanted to punch in the face. On the other hand, I rang in 2006, not wanting to spend another New Year’s in some bar surrounded by people I didn’t like, in the church and ended up joining the church and discovering how awesome God is.

In most cases, though, this idea is all superstition and completely false. Every year since I can remember, I have spent the majority of December 31st cleaning like mad to make sure the house/apartment/townhouse/whatever was as clean as possible to ring in the new year and every year since I can remember, the house/apartment/townhouse/whatever ended up just as dirty throughout the year as it was on December 30th.

This year, rather than say, “Hurray! A new year! Let me make all these resolutions I’ll never stick to and such!” I’m just going to keep doing what I’m doing; that is, going for my major goals. The house is a mess right now, but to be honest, cleaning it up on one night was not going to keep it clean all year. I have to be in the mindset to keep it clean daily. I don’t weigh what I want right now, but I’m very healthy and if I keep eating how I should and exercising regularly, my body will adapt. After all, I didn’t put on the weight in a week, so I can’t possibly expect it to come off in a week either. My novel is still not complete, but if I just keep writing something every day my ultimate goal of having a novel published by 9/26/2010 will get accomplished.

I still went to church tonight to ring in my new year, but I also still made sure my daily chapter of the Bible got read and I am still going to do my stomach crunches and light lifting before I go to sleep. There really is no difference between 12/31/08 and 1/1/09; I’m still going to keep doing Dorienne and still strive for my goals. Or, like my pastor often says, I’m going to remember to keep the main thing, the main thing. 😀

I rang in the new year at church once again and once again, I’m happy I did. Last year, it was more a sense of desperation since I just could not imagine bringing in the new year in some random bar. This year, I could not wait to go to our church’s Watch Night service. It was fun and even though I had to sing while on the crutches, I really enjoyed myself.

I spent the majority of yesterday watching the SVU marathon on USA, while today was a mix of a Twilight Zone marathon, a Law & Order marathon and football….the only thing better than watching Ohio State win is watching Michigan lose. **grins wildly**

So, since it is a brand new year, I feel it necessary to make some…not technically resolutions, but promises for myself:

1. Lose weight – Long overdue and it is becoming a sort of health issue. I am not looking to be model thin by my 23rd, but definitely a size or two smaller than I am now.
2. Stay neat – Today, the house is more or less clean. I want to keep it that way throughout the year; just like normal people do. A little here, a little there. Just no need to spend an entire day doing laundry or just cleaning the bathroom or just doing the dishes. Also, not going to sleep with my room untidy. This will probably help overall.
3. Get into a routine – This one will be hard since I am still sans employment, but I need to just get into a basic routine:

1) Morning – Shower, teeth, feet, lotion, hair and makeup
2) Night – Clothes/misc items, dishes, floss, teeth, face and stomach-work

If I can start with a routine for when I wake up and go to sleep, I think I will be better off altogether. Plus, this also ties into what will be needed for #1.
4. Graduate…from somewhere – I have three degrees in progress, yet I feel like I am no closer to any of them as I this time last year. Just one degree out of the possible three. This will require some hard work and a lot of prayer.
5. Submit a novel – I have been writing here and there, and editing this and that. I think it is past time for me to make good on this dream of mine. This will also include making the final editions of something; Evan, Luka, any one I can complete.
6. Be healthy – This also is a part of #1. I need to be healthier overall; some kind of workout everyday, get in the fruits, grains, etc, read my Bible often, if not daily, etc.

I think in total, my New Year’s Resolution is to just be a better person altogether. Today is the first of January in the beginning of my 23rd year of existence. The past 23 years have been extraordinary, but not what I want my life to surround. Here’s to making 2007 the first of many healthy and successful years as a child of God.

The Cardinals won…bah. They only won because I didn’t want them to win….

Anyway, the diet official starts tomorrow. Green beans for breakfast lunch and dinner, and carrots and fruit to fill in the empty spots if I feel like I’m hungry enough to eat my own thumb. It’s nothing, but necessary though. I went out, to pick up my wings, of course, and when I put on my winter coat, the same winter coat that could fit me with a hoodie on, the bloody coat just barely fit. And I was wearing a t-shirt!

I was so disgusted with myself as I had to mildly struggle to fit the buttons. There is no excuse for all this nonsense. I must have gained forty pounds in the past year! Forget the new’s resolutions, forget the to-do lists! I’m just going to eat green beans until I fit my coat properly again.

I can’t believe this is coming as such a shock to me. I’ve seen it developing day by day, week after week, month after month. And here I am. I’m not sad or depressed or ready to cry. I’m just angry! Angry with myself for allowing this to happen and then even angrier at myself because there’s no one else to blame.

Grrr! Diet! Tomorrow! Huzzah!

I joined the church today. I had been preparing myself to do it without tears during most of the sermon, but I took one look at my mother’s sobbing face and I was done. I am simply too emotional. It took Grandma’s sigh after asking me whether or not I had joined the church to make me do it. Once I started thinking about it, I realized I really did not have a reason to keep making excuses of why not to join. Every time I would attend, I would make up some kind of excuse to keep me from approaching when I truly felt this need within me to go up during the call to join. Each time I went to church and we got to that part of the service, I always felt this tension.

What was holding me back? I could get crazy by saying it was the devil, but of course I won’t given that sometimes I question “his” existence. Talking with my mother on the car ride home, I realized there is just so much that I don’t understand about religion. There’s no reason for me not to just join that which I innately believe.

There was a point when I thought that maybe I wouldn’t join, “not this week,” I said to myself, but there was this point during the service….everyone was laughing and I felt good in church, for once. I actually said to myself, “I love church.” It came out so easy and natural. It was then I knew I really had no other excuse except a sense of late teen/early twenties rebellion, and I’ve been saying I’m past all my peers and all of that in itself.

Oh well….

I actually want to go to church next week, but what gets me is superstition. My family has always had this superstition about how one begins the new year, meaning where one is during when the new year approaches, is how one will live the entire year. I rang in the new year in church and now I’ve gone and joined the church. It wasn’t intentional and it wasn’t until after I’d joined that the thought occurred to me.

All I’ve got to say is “how interesting.”