Dorienne's Log

I’ve asked myself these past few days, ‘why do I keep coming to church?’ I’ve always answered with ‘it makes me feel better’ or ‘because it feels right.’ Today, I received an affirmation! I looked at my Amex bill and nearly burst into tears. I owed $600, I had $150 in my checking account. I would not get any money until the week of the 19th. Dread seeped over me. I would have to borrow money from my mother in order to cover the bill. Of all horrifying things to happen to an adult, this is of course the worst. Instead of digressing into self-pity and depression, I went to church like I’ve been doing these past few weeks. I asked my mother for a $400 loan and I had a small break-down in the church bathroom, but I was alright in the end. I felt better; though my money woes had not yet been lifted, it seemed like what my pastor has been telling me: through God, Jesus, if you will, everything WILL be all right. I came home, feeling much better and started a to-do list which included studying and, of course, cleaning my room. As I began cleaning, procrastinating with the studying, of course, I found a bill of older account statements and what looked like a check stub from an old Anheuser check. I opened the stub, not expecting to see anything, and low and behold, no pun in intended, there sat a check for $300! Combined with the money from my father’s last check, I no longer needed a loan from my mother, and quickly told her so. Though my money woes are still far from over, I cannot help but feel utterly saved through the grace of God.

There is a rational explanation for what transpired today: I simply forgot about the check until this opportune moment. But still….if I had deposited that check months ago, I would have most likely spent it already, leaving me without any recourse presently. I feel like crying because…I am truly grateful for what God has given to me. And…I’m also so happy that I can attribute this to Him, instead of simple dumb luck like I might have a month ago. I am also sad, that I cannot express this sentiment with those around because I know they would laugh and look at me as if I were clearly making a joke because of the person I used to be. My only comfort is knowing that time and Jesus will eventually resolve this issue for the best.