Dorienne's Log

This day has just been crap. I can’t believe I’m doing so badly. I can only hope that things go better the next time around, but still it irks me.

What angers me is that people continuously pretend that things are “okay” and “no big deal,” but things never are. Why can’t people just be straight with you. I irritates me to no end. I had far more to say, but…..

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Okay, now that more than 24 hours has passed since I first started writing this same post, and I am still too drained to say anything.

People always tell me everything probably because I have the ability to keep my mouth shut…I don’t have much to add on that except that’s its happened so many times in just so many days, so I’m not real sure what I should do….Oh well.

I’m just so disgusted by what I see in the world. Only the most perfect of persons get the opportunities and the second chances. I hate that I’m party to it even though I’m not in it. I hate that I somehow benefit from all of it. It makes me sick and makes me hate myself and makes me hate the world. I just taught a lesson last Sunday about loving everyone, but a question arises in me: If I hate this world so much, this world over which reigns the evil one, does that make me less a Christian? Does having hate for this evil world yield hate in my heart? I don’t specifically hate any one person, it is simply the system. How people, in general, behave. The fact that they lie, the fact that it seems every man is out for himself, the fact that it seems that the more Christian, that is Christ-like, I attempt to make my life, the less I see of Him in others. The entire thing makes me sick. If I was outside of everything and saw what was happening, I’d hate me. I would make myself sick. It’s just times like these that I really don’t know what to do except pray about it and hope it works out on its own….

I’ve found a spider on my window and now I am fearful of approaching the area surrounding the window. The bug people are coming today; maybe they can take care of some of the problem as they spray for bees.

I’ve been doing a lot of work my The X-Files site and thus learning info on Ms. Anderson and such, and it’s got me thinking about how much I hate Hollywood. This of course, follows the knowledge of Hollywood making a film about September 11th. Rage actually flows through my veins when I think about the audacity of these people. How dare they think after less than five years it even remotely appropriate to show a film about the tragedy? I hope it bombs harder than the US over Iraq. My hope is that anyone who has anything to do with that film, never works in any venue ever again. May they all fester in unemployment lines and die of starvation thereafter. The very idea of it is nauseating. As if Michael Moore was not bad enough, now we have Hollywood jumping on the September 11th romanticism band-wagon. I just can’t stand it.

I was about to join a Facebook group about hating people, when I realized that it took a lot of nerve to join any hate group, even if it was all about hating the stupid. Hate is something to be written and put away so that it does not come to light and delve the world deeper into its own madness. Joining a group about hating people makes me hate the people who were on the damn thing.

I’ve got to start studying more. I’ve wasted forty dollars on the newest Sims 2 expansion and really it was not worth it. I’ve no desire to use the new features; it hasn’t added anything to the game. Why do I allow myself to wallow in my own damn stupidity?

This past week has been so ridiculously busy, I haven’t had the time to even think straight.

First, American Idol, then EGB, then class and then whatever else

So, Mandisa got kicked off of American Idol. WTF?!?!?! She had a standing ovation when she was standing there in front of everyone. It’s just so damn ridiculous, I can’t stand it. She was THE best one. Though, I’m certain she never would have one the title itself, she definitely should have been in the top five! But anyways….

So, I’ve been interrupted for the past two hours to deal with another EGB thing. I hate when people don’t say what they mean. I hate when people are weak and simply cannot stand their ground. I hate when people allow themselves to be badgered into actions they know are wrong. I hate that everyone insists on making all issues grey when they are clearly black and white. I hate that people make such a big deal out bullshit that will not be remembered in three years. What is wrong with the rest of the world that only I can see the world as it truly is? Anyways, fuck ’em all….

I forgot what I had to say about class…oh well, couldn’t have been all that important.

I don’t understand why people allow themselves to change for the worst. Why don’t people take the chance to look back on their lives every so often and grade how they have changed in a positive or negative light? I do it all the time, and feel like even if I’ve changed for the worst, at least I recognize the problem and can do things in attempts to rectify the situation. What is wrong with the world?!?

Why do I allow other people’s problems to become my own? Why do I always feel like “Your fight is my fight” all the time, when sometimes, often, I really don’t care.

I’m so disappointed in him right now, I don’t know what to do. “Drop the violation.” What are you crazy? Do you really think she’s taken complete leave of her senses or that ANYONE at this stage in the game would allow her to even consider that? Jesus Christ, it’s insanity! And now, bringing ‘ole Dad in to save the day just completes the nonsense. How could anyone ever think that this appropriate? It’s fucking Undergraduate Student Government! Every year it changes, and every year less than a quarter of the university even gives a damn. Oh, how I wish I were part of that damn seventy-five percent! It’s just ludicrous to me that anyone could feel that this is so important that it warrants suspending actions in the REAL fucking WORLD to do. How about a duty to the state and it’s citizens? Obviously that doesn’t matter at all. I’m so happy that our electoral process is such that this nonsense of a man can remain a judge.

As for all the people who “hate” her now, fuck them too! Honestly, if you are too ignorant or just don’t care enough to participate in all the functions of your own damn campaign, how the hell is anyone suppose to assume that you will function on Senate? And by the way, again, three years from now, NO ONE WILL CARE! God!

I cannot stand the argument that “oh, we didn’t know what they were doing.” Who the hell cares? Ignorance does not absolve you from responsibility! Period!!

What irritates me most of all is that I’ve never been one to forgive and forget. I’ll never truly forgive her just leaving for a terrorist nation and lying about. I’ll never forgive Kay who ridiculed me in the fourth grade. I’ll never forgive Emily for assuming that I wasn’t as intelligent as she in the third grade. The list goes on and on. And while I know that they will move on, and forgive and love each other forever and whatever, I know that I’ll never be able to forgive such nonsensical behaviour. I know that if something that infuriated me when I was a child has the same effect thirteen years later, it does not matter how much times goes by, this situation will ALWAYS be in the back of my mind, until the end.

Sigh….onto other irritating things….

So, this girl….I don’t know what irritates me more, her or her fricken family that allows her to be this way. I want to feel sorry for her, but I’m making every attempt not to be. She has everything and has been raised in fricken luxury and will probably never be normal. I have to recognize that I’ll never be able to change that….but I can’t help but want to do so. I want to help and that’s the problem. I want to be the one to knock some sense into her, literally if need be. Why am cursed with compassion at inopportune times?

I spent so much money today, but I cannot even begin to feel bad about it. It’s not like I spent it all in one lump sum that’ll have to be paid at the end of the month or sooner. God bless the Macy’s card and the Coach store in said store. That damn bag makes me so happy, I could cry. I tried to make it out of the store without buying anything unnecessary, but I was sucked in by perfect marketing. When performed so well, I cannot help but stand in vapid admiration and allow them to bring up my card number again and again. I only spent about three hundred dollars total in Macy’s and considering I was about to buy one bag for more than that, I think I made off well. I did not like, however, looking the way I did as I shopped. I should have been “dressed,” and yet I was not and so felt less than I should have. I also did not like having to drive off in my POS car after having spent so much money on bags and shoes and sunglasses and such.

I saw someone from my high school in the store and I fled. I did not want to see her and it did not even have to do with the whole weight thing. I told myself a while ago, I wanted to cut off relationships with everyone from my high school, and this was the first time, I’d actually acted in conjunction with this wish. I did not seek her out to say the stupid, “hey did you go to North?” nonsense. It’s been four years and it’s past time for me to stop remembering those I should not.

Weight. It’s been going up and up and it does not appear to be climaxing at any time soon. Yesterday, I went for a long run/walk thing; I worked out for 2 miles at least. I bought new running shoes and two new sport bras, just to make it that much easier for me to do what is necessary. I’ve also decided that the only way I’ll be able to stay on a somewhat “steady” diet is to become a part-time vegan. On days that I work out, I must eat vegan and consume no artificial sugars; no splenda or aspartame, basically no soda or Crystal Light or juice or whatever. I don’t know what this will do, but at least I can keep myself out of hunger for a few days while staying true to a diet. I’ve just got to lose this weight. I’ve got really about fifty pounds to lose. Just thinking about it makes me kind of dizzy and nauseous.

Oh Jesus. Someone from high school has just IMed me….

Okay, so we’re going to do the stupid chit-chat thing for a while, until one of us stops responding and that’s the end….

And he’s here again….if they’re having his friends over here again, I’m putting my foot down….on his chest. I’m tired of having his friends over here. It’s not my fault that he’s a 23 year old who lives with his parents. Get a decent job and move out of your parent’s place! Then, you all can laugh stupidly at ignorant jokes and drink all the Guiness and Rolling Rock you want all the fricken day long….at your own house! It’s not even the fact that’s he’s here all the time, but the fact that he brings his friends over here; that’s the problem. We, as in those who are on the lease, are not friends with any of his friends! That constitutes a major problem! And so help me God, if she doesn’t give up the parking pass tomorrow….there may actually be bloodshed.

Sigh….

I’m going to finish eating my pizza (haha!) and drinking my soda (haha, again) and play the game I bought today during my shopping spree. I shall see how tomorrow goes. Will there be fun in the cards or will there be drama? Only time shall tell.

First, I fucking hate people. What is wrong with people that makes it so no one can just say what they mean? I have never NOT been straight with people. If I didn’t want to go out, I’ll just say, I don’t want to go out. No hard feelings, I just don’t want to. Rather than put a drag on everyone else’s evening, I’ll just stay at home when I don’t fucking feel like dealing with people. I have never just gone out to go out and then be bitchy all night because I didn’t really want to go in the first place. A prime example of a bullshit thing that I’ve never done, because I seen no reason to not be straight with people. In the end, you piss off more people by keeping things to yourself than you will by initially be up front about things.

If she didn’t want to go on vacation with us, she just should have fucking said it, so we could have made our plans and been on our way. But no! She’s going to dick around and not give a straight answer for weeks and weeks and then go off with her boyfriend for a week. Like that shit didn’t take forever to plan. Like she couldn’t have said, “Look, girls, I’m going off with him for Spring Break. You guys can do what you like.” It would have been fucking fine! We could have shared pictures or whatever when we all got back. But no! She wants to dick around and not say a fucking thing, and make us all have the lousiest break ever. God, I just can’t fucking stand people. The world would be such a better place if people just quit worrying about hurt feelings or some other bullshit and say what they mean. If she had just said that she didn’t want to go with us, yes, I would have been slightly angry for a bit, but then the whole episode would pass and everything would be fine. Now, I’m angrier than I’ve ever been in a really long time. Bringing home fucking Michigan seashells! Like that’s going to make up for fucking dicking around for weeks and weeks about going on vacation. It’s shit like this that makes people kill one another. It’s mental states like this, like the one I’m in now, that cause people to be acquitted for murder by reasons of mental default or whatever. So fucking angry!

I can’t even remember what I had for a second or a third. Fucking seashells! Goddamn, I hate people! Like I need this stress going into a new quarter….

I just need to calm down….I’ve got the relaxing music playing and I’ve fixed my laptop, to some degree. At least I know it’s problems stemmed from overheating and not some random virus or something.

There are times when I wish I had a gun. Sometimes, it might be nice to go off and shoot the hell out of something for a bit and then come home and relaxing, having already gotten out my frustration. Other times, I know that there would be times like these and I know I’d be writing this as a sworn statement or reliving these moments while being judged by a panel of twelve “peers.”

Deep breaths now….

I saw Inside Job tonight and I liked it. There’s nothing better than seeing one’s two favorite actors on screen together at the same time and do it so well. I thought it was brilliant, but I think anything that either of them do is brilliant, so I know my own opinion doesn’t amount to much.

….

Feeling slightly better; a little more calm, now. I think I’ll play The Sims for a while, then clean my room and gather my things for tomorrow’s classes. I suppose I could attempt to see this quarter off on the right foot.

I cannot take much more of this.

Just when I thought it could not possibly get any more ridiculous, the sun rises once more.

I’ve just come from my Micro lab written practical and I would feel completely livid, if I could find the urge to give a damn. God! From the very beginning, the class was a complete and utter waste of my time and today simply proved the fact to an unwavering degree. We had a class assignment turned in two weeks ago, one that was not necessary in the first place, only to have it returned to us today, the day of the fricken practical! I look at my assignment and realize that I did it completely wrong. Okay, that would not have been a problem, had I received the graded assignment even yesterday, but no, I received it upon completing my practical. The problem? The practical had a problem IDENTICAL to the said assignment and I completed the problem the EXACT same way as I had previously. Had the TAs and the lab instructor taken an extra second to do their jobs, I would have had my assignment, realized I did something wrong and been able to rectify this issue on the practical. But, no! I have to deal with idiots and morons who do not want to be at their jobs anymore than I wish to be in their classrooms. The whole thing makes me sick.

Even more infuriating is the realization, coming to me through a fuming walk home from the practical, that the only reason I have remained a Microbiology major was because it fit in perfectly with my internship with Anheuser, and now with the great plausibility that I will not get a job offer from them, I see that the past four years of my life have been a complete waste. So many times did I think about saying, “Screw it” and just become an English or History or some bullshit, easy Humanities major and just find a job some time, somewhere that was enough to pay the bills. I would have been far happier as an English major than with with my current one. I just wish I had had someone to look at me say, “Dorienne, do what will make you happiest in the end” instead of someone pushing me to what he or she thought was a definition of success. Wealth and success are not synonymous to me and never will be. A successful life would be one where everyday one could go to sleep with a smile on his or her face, thankful for another happy day on Earth.

Now, my entire life’s strategy must be re-worked and I hate myself for not listening to myself and what I knew I wanted out of my life. Like it suggests in the title, hell is having to deal with other people. Some of the best days of my life have been spent locked away from the rest of the world for hours at a time. What does that say about me, I wonder….

I hate malls. This fact must be known before I can truly rant any further, for without knowing that I hate malls, very little of what I have to say will make any sense. There is just something about Americans getting together in long walks of land, all with the sole purpose of spending money. Malls are different from say, grocery stores or simple markets. At a market, I can go inside, find what I need and be on my way. Malls, being simply so vast and crowded make it nearly impossible to find what is needed let alone, run in and out again quickly. They are designed to keep people inside, to ensure that even when one has had enough, one still has to maneuver through a labyrinth of “must-have” items simply to get to an exit. And, even if the exit has been successfully found, one is left only with a new plethora of shops, all begging for time and money. When I step into a mall, especially on a crowded Sunday, the onset of nausea is immediately felt. So many people….buying things….things they don’t need….digging through all of the sale racks….digging for hours on end….

Malls are especially irritable during the winter months because of the “coat-factor.” If one is wearing a coat designed to keep out winter’s elements, once inside a mall, the coat is no longer necessary. However, now exists the problem of what to do with said coat. Sure, it could be carried, but this said winter coat can become quite heavy over a course of time a short as 30 minutes and problem persists, with the added irritation that nothing was done about the coat when one first stepped into the mall. Some malls have coat checks for a small fee, but this option is simply not viable. Notwithstanding the fact that one’s coat may be set next to smoke chain-smoking hippie-type who might have picked up some new venereal disease while last wearing his or her coat, the problem remains of the implications of the coat check. Checking a coat denotes an ample amount of time will be spent in this mall. One is openly giving into the idea of wasting several hours of the day enclosed away from the rest of the world and spending money on wasteful items.

Middle class America constantly complains of not having it “all,” but it is the acceptance of local malls which complete the cycle. No, of course one cannot afford that new summer house on “the lake” if one spends thirty percent of one’s paycheck on nonsensical items like a brand-new wardrobe each season, or a newer plasma TV for the last room in the house that did not hold a television, or random CDs because said music is currently popular, but never will be again, or beefing up one’s DVD collection just for the sake of doing so, or spending hundreds of dollars on “special” bear that a child can “build” his or herself, or buying expensive chocolate which will end up in the exact same place as that two-dollar cheeseburger from the previous night, or paying money for commercial mass-produced art, especially when one’s house is already full of clutter…. More or less, I hate malls. They are the culmination of all things wrong with America: excess and greed.

Moving on, today I spent two hours in a wretched, overcrowded mall. I needed some new suits for upcoming interviews and apart from being thoroughly annoyed by the fact that the one suit for which I had fallen in love did not look right on me, not because of my weight, but simply that I am too short, I had what I like to refer to as an Agoraphobic Attack. All those people….digging through the 40% off racks….waiting impatiently in line at the fitting rooms….the rude Ethiopian sales woman pissing off each customer who came in path….all this waste; it felt simply overwhelming, in an angry, nauseated sort of way, and even though I was not footing the bill in this expenditure, the need to get out of the mall quickly outweighed my need for a “free” suit.

I have never understood the purpose of shopping just for the sake of shopping. In the back of my mind, I feel like a hypocrite since I have some 50 pairs of shoes, but all that can explained (in a later rant, of course). As for shopping, I have to ask why. Why? If one finds a suit that looks good and fits right and said suit costs $300, and one has $300, then buy the fricken suit! Why would someone waste precious moments of this life that is far too short anyway, digging through sale racks to find the best “deal.” If one does not have the money to spend, then don’t go shopping. It saves lives in the long run: no increased debt, no decrease of a credit score, no increase of crap that will eventually end up in some land fill, no decrease of manufacturer’s keeping their sites in this country and thus decreasing jobs available for Americans. By not spending just because one hasn’t got shit else to do, the world ends up being a happier place.

I am also annoyed by people in my house (who don’t pay a goddamn cent of rent) telling me how my house should be run, but that was just the proverbial icing on the cake, and I am sure the irritation in that direction was simply amplified by my having wasted some of the only time I have on this Earth buying stupid a suit.

Ah, Sundays….

I managed to put up another post prior to the mandatory six month mark! Ha! I’ve done it….
Although I’ve nothing to report…that’s the trouble with blogs, I guess.
A woman I’ve felt was a type of surrogate grandmother for me is dying and will probably die within the next couple of days. It’s not fair; it makes me hate the world and everything in it. I’ve also just found out that one of my best friends has been lying straight to my face for months now. I know it doesn’t sound like a horrible thing, but….I just don’t like lying. I don’t do it, if I can help; I’ve got nothing to lie about! People also make me sick. What does it matter that I’ve watched Star Wars a whole slew of times? It’s not like I bring it up in everyday conversation. How could it possibly affect anyone else in the world; the fact that I like the third Star Wars movie? Ninety percent of that is solely Hayden Christensen. Yes, people definitely make me sick…