Dorienne's Log

Tired today…very, very tired, but it is nearly the end of the week.

My great aunt, it seems has Alzheimer’s and she has to be put in a nursing home.

I made my grandmother go crazy with worry by telling her the specifics of what happened when my mother fell off a goddamn ladder trying to paint the basement ceiling and broke her tooth, by her hitting her jaw, in the process.

I made both my mother and grandmother feel terrible when, upon seeing the nice warm slippers Grandma got my mother for her birthday, I said that Grandma loves her more than me, causing Grandma to send $20 of her fixed income to me for no real reason. I don’t even need it….

My cousin is trying to get pregnant, and the fact that she’s having difficulties and the fact that my other aunt could not have kids and the fact that my own mother had trouble having kids, which is why I’m an only child, makes me feel sad and depressed about knowing, if (IF) I ever find someone and get married, the possibility of not being able to have children of my own is very real.

I think I’m sick and Denzel Washington and Jodie Foster, my two favorite actors in the entire world, are starring in a movie together and I’m stressed that when I go see it this, it’s opening weekend, it will be terrible and I’ll have to feel different about the pair of them.

Spring break is almost over and haven’t done anything more than I’ve done earlier. I don’t even feel relaxed, just exhausted. The stress of school and graduation and finding a job and my family and my friends and the lack of having anyone in my life is starting to weigh on me like those stupid anti-smoking commercials with the squished kids.

I am happy, metaphorically speaking, about something that shouldn’t concern me and even if it went down, I would still get over it. Even if we could make it work, it still wouldn’t work and yet I still get stressed over the idea of it.

All my friends are going out tonight, to get nice and wasted and yet I have to be in bed by midnight so that I can be up and six-fucking-o’clock in the morning to spend another day at a job earning $13.40 an hour and contemplating my future, all the while wondering if any of this is worth it.

I wish I were a different person. I wish I was taller, thinner, smarter, prettier, more religious, happier, more energetic, lighter or darker or just all the same complexion all over, had less acne, was in love someone who loved me, had an all black kitten that I could call either Hermione or Puppy and not be allergic. I wish I were a writer, a teacher, pianist, cellist, violinist, web designer, better flutist, singer, runner or simply an athlete all together. I wish I could turn 25 and stay there forever. I wish I could sit and watch my favorite movies all day long and never tire of them. I wish I could eat anything covered in Alfredo sauce and never get full or sick from it. I wish that all sweet things would stay sweet and pretty things stay pretty, that people never died or grew old or sick of one another. I wish I knew for certain if there was a heaven or hell or an after life or if life was the real hell and I’ll be doomed to keep living this evil circle over and over until I am amongst those alive when the rapture occurs, or when the sun starts to die and I have to make the choice of either staying behind on the earth to be burned away by the dying sun or leave the one I love, because at least hopefully in one of my lives, I’ll be in love, and hop on the last of the space shuttles leaving the earth in search of a new planet to inhabit and destroy.

I wish I had the strength to remember where I was going with this post.

And, I’m so very tired.

I had my teeth cleaned today and, of course, it had been months since I had been due, but I do what I can. My dental hygenist found a “weakness” in one of my back teeth and made it seem like it was no big deal. Later, the dentist and another hygenist come in, the hygenist with this long, white tube-thing saying, “Ready?” At this point, my amygdala is telling me to jump out of the chair and run out of the building, but I stay calm and ask if I had a cavity….my first EVER. My dentist informs me that it was the beginnings of a cavity and they just had to fill it with this “putty” to keep it from becoming a full cavity. Nevertheless, it was a bit of a wake up call in itself. My first (near) cavity…..oh, how the time does fly.

I suppose it having been nearly a year since I was last at the dentist’s office, a near cavity was somewhat inevitable, but as I sat in the dental chair, slightly fearing for my life as the hygienist came at me with that long sucking-tube, that perhaps a change in my lifestyle is in order. I procrastinate, like all human beings, but sometimes, most times, it is often to my detriment. It just feels so much easier to do nothing than something. Sure, I could go through all of my classwork and develop a study schedule for the upcoming week and sure I could make out my thank-you notes and even send them to my interviewers from yesterday, and truth be told, I most likely will do these today, just not know. Why? I am, like most days, very tired and just don’t fricken feel like it. I feel like playing the sims until about five when The Simpsons comes on, and around that point, I will start doing my work, that is until American Idol comes on, at which point all attention must be diverted toward my television.

I WILL do what is necessary, just not right now. My near cavity could have been nothing at all had I made my dental appointment months ago instead of just last week, but such is the way of my world and my life. Perchance I may make a change in my life and perhaps I may remain consistent with that change. I suppose only time will tell. I know this, however: should I get a job with my first choice company, I will make changes in all that I do, because (as crappy and sappy as it sounds), God must really want it for me.

Bleh. I hate admitting that God loves me….I know it’s true, but I just always feel so disgusted with myself for thinking it plausible.

Neither of my two goals were accomplished nor was any real degree of progress made upon them. However, I did manage to not only put hours into studying for my Immunology exam, I also gave myself a brazen head start on an upcoming paper for General Microbiology. Albeit, I had originally thought the micro paper was due today and that thought had only occurred to me at 3 o’clock this morning, causing me the kind of stress and panic that manages to shave years off of one’s life, the fact remains that the paper is more than half completed and it is not even the wee hours of the morning preceding the paper’s actually due date.

So now I sit typing (making this hour twenty-eight since I had last slept) and wondering: my goals of finished books and lost pounds may end up arbitrary factors in my life, thus making them failures by and by, and thus, last night I failed at my failures. And yet….by failing at failure I have managed to thrust myself one step further to graduation, a good job and a successful life.

I suppose today’s real question should be, How does one define success? True, a dependable job which followed a successful collegiate graduation would be a measure of success to my family and peers, but what about myself? What does Dorienne think of the plausible successes lying ahead in her path? Are they really successes or are they failures convincingly hidden in a veil of the probable happiness perceived for me?

Perchance at a later date, when the rehabilitating splendor of REM sleep has once again graced my presence, I may revisit these thoughts and questions. For now, however, I shall end with three lists: one of things I ought to do, one of things I could do and another of things I will most likely end up doing.

List One – Should Do:

* Clean room
* Do dishes
* Return books to Health Sciences Library
* Follow up with Limited Brands interview
* Follow up with Anheuser Busch interview
* E-mail Biochemistry professor
* Call Mother
* Achieve a good night’s rest

List Two – Might Do:

* Place library in bookbag for ease of returning them tomorrow or Monday
* Call friends I have not spoken to in a while
* Achieve a good afternoon’s rest
* Go to opening of Sky Bar and drink until I cannot remember which card I used for a tab

List Three – Will Do:

* Update website (calvin.doriennesmith.com)
* Edit a chapter of A Ten Minute Speech
* Play The Sims
* Fall asleep early in the morning and waste most of Saturday sleeping until 3pm

The best thing about my current internship is that I’m getting a first-hand glimpse into what my life might be like for the next 30 years. I don’t know what’s more irrating, the fact that I already hate it or the fact that everyone I work keeps telling me how much I will hate the job. It’s ridiculous at best.
I’ve decided to change the entire meaning of my first novel series, which is good since now it has a definite plot and might actually be interesting for other people to read. I should write far more than I do, but laziness overtakes me each day and there’s nothing I can do about it. Well, I know there’s something I can do, like not be lazy, but in the back of my mind I just keep saying “Screw It” and so I do, figuratively speaking.
I’m almost 21 and it doesn’t seem like I’m going anywhere. I guess I just feel like I haven’t accomplished anything, but then again, I’ve only been an adult for 3 years. I can’t help feeling that I’m 37 or something, which makes me depressed and then this whole cycle continues again. Oh well, the work on the website continues and so will the editing of the first book. Eventually, I’ll finish the first series or take a second to just sit and write like I used to do.