Dorienne's Log

I’m so ashamed. http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/americas/7030170.stm

It’s not even me; she just shares my skin colour, and yet, I am so ashamed. The only word I can think of to described this feeling is “saddened” I remember looking at her image in magazines and thinking, “Wow! Look at her. Go Marion, go!” I rooted for her, cheered for her, defended her in my mind and said, “I wish they’d just leave her alone.” And, now. Look what’s happened. Now, I understand how my mother felt during the Vanessa Williams scandal. To look at someone with such pride and also happiness at knowing that she was a wonderful, graceful black woman athlete who “triumphed” over all, and look what’s happened. I find myself wondering who else will let me down next. Perhaps Oprah will down fall to some horrible scandal? Perhaps Dr. Rice will be warped by some kind of disgrace?

God, she couldn’t have died without telling the world that? Disappointment doesn’t even begin to describe this feeling. Only sublime shame. I want to say this doesn’t even have an impact on my life, but it does. It impacts every woman who has every stepped foot on a track, every person who dares to succeed, and every black face that has ever found glory. I just have all these swimming memories of her on magazine covers and how the thought of her would just bring a smile to my face. “Marion Jones – fastest woman in the world” and she’s black. I suppose this is all supposed to be very humbling or something, but I still call it rubbish. Today, I wish I was any other colour in the world except for hers.

I just don’t know…All I can really say is, it doesn’t help having heroes in this world. Eventually, every[one] will let you down.

This day has just been crap. I can’t believe I’m doing so badly. I can only hope that things go better the next time around, but still it irks me.

What angers me is that people continuously pretend that things are “okay” and “no big deal,” but things never are. Why can’t people just be straight with you. I irritates me to no end. I had far more to say, but…..

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Okay, now that more than 24 hours has passed since I first started writing this same post, and I am still too drained to say anything.

People always tell me everything probably because I have the ability to keep my mouth shut…I don’t have much to add on that except that’s its happened so many times in just so many days, so I’m not real sure what I should do….Oh well.

I’m just so disgusted by what I see in the world. Only the most perfect of persons get the opportunities and the second chances. I hate that I’m party to it even though I’m not in it. I hate that I somehow benefit from all of it. It makes me sick and makes me hate myself and makes me hate the world. I just taught a lesson last Sunday about loving everyone, but a question arises in me: If I hate this world so much, this world over which reigns the evil one, does that make me less a Christian? Does having hate for this evil world yield hate in my heart? I don’t specifically hate any one person, it is simply the system. How people, in general, behave. The fact that they lie, the fact that it seems every man is out for himself, the fact that it seems that the more Christian, that is Christ-like, I attempt to make my life, the less I see of Him in others. The entire thing makes me sick. If I was outside of everything and saw what was happening, I’d hate me. I would make myself sick. It’s just times like these that I really don’t know what to do except pray about it and hope it works out on its own….