Dorienne's Log

Even though I have been nagged and emotionally harassed over the past couple of days, I feel like today has been a good day. I have validated a lot of code on several of my pages, watched nothing but old Daria episodes all day and now I about to go shopping for containers to store my old tapes, because I truly adore organizing things and I could not imagine anything better than organizing hundreds of tapes.

I am also going to make some things for my mum’s birthday tomorrow and buy her some fun things too. No mall shopping necessary; just a few stores that I have to drive to here and there.

It may be a good day afterall.

All the worries I have about global politics, the American economy, imminent war between any number of countries….while watching American Idol, it all floats away for a short amount of time. All of my life’s decisions relate in whether my vote will go toward Elliott or Paris, nothing more.

I need the simplicity of American Idol to allow me time to relax and just let my mind melt for a bit. The beginning ring of the show makes my heart skip a beat and I love the idea that for just a little while, I can let only one thing matter.

While it is just a show and it is just around to make money (and I cannot think of anything more American than that), I love it. From having my heart flutter every time Ace looks at the camera to feeling that chill I get when I hear Paris sing, I love American Idol.

I have been studying like one would never believe. Today, I have been trying to rest up and then attempt some Microbiology 521 here and there. I have also learned that my major has been changed for me before I had a chance to truly think about it, I have been given a job offer at Limited Brands, even though it will be a while before I end up graduating and I am still not sure how this quarter will turn out for me.

I cannot figure out what to do next, which is the best part of all.

And, our apartment is under siege by enormous ants! Not even slightly enlarged ants. Huge two-inch long ants that are so big they cannot move properly! The idea of it is just making my skin itch.

On a lighter note, I walked out of my Immunology class realizing that I had indeed learned something in my class. I cut my hand on my umbrella, pretty severely since hours later it has yet to stop bleeding, but I remembered that my body’s neutrophils were gathering and bradykinin was creating that searing pain shooting all through my hand. I was actually bleeding drops of blood as I was facing the sudden hurricane-like rain that had descended in the hour it had taken me to finish my final.

Oh well, back to the grind….

I have studied more in the past 48 hours than I ever have at any point in my collegiate career. I may still fail my exam tomorrow, but at least I can say that I did give it my all. I find it interesting that I can study and make all this progress on my website at the same time….it just goes to show…..what I cannot say, but I am sure it shows something.

Time to turn off the old Daria episodes and go back to the grind.

Oh, and I am graduating whenever now instead of summer….I suppose that will be all right in the end….?

Yesterday was ridiculously tumultuous. There were leaps and bounds made that I never thought possible. I wonder how long this new venture will last, but perhaps with some reasonably helpful guidance, I may make it through. True, though I am still following the same patterns that got me into this mess, hopefully, this slight change can help get me out. I have, more or less, stopped lying though, and if anything, I think that is the greatest improvement of all.

Now, here is where a life-renewing path can be either debunked or followed most diligently:

Do I choose the quick and ugly path by having McDonald’s breakfast, or do I suck it up and make my own, which will prove to be far healthier and will not make me into a slug for the rest of the day, enabling me to study to the best of my abilities?

Decisions, decisions, decisions….

Food is good…..so is TV…..and so are The Sims…..

I’ll probably clean the bathroom as well and leave tomorrow for studying and going to either Brother’s or Skye Bar….

Nothing else to say, except this weekend, I SHALL complete something. I am not sure what that is just yet, but by the time Monday 12:01 rolls around, I will have something completed.

Sometimes…I feel so lonely.

When even my gay friends are finding new boyfriends, I start to get discouraged and eventually depressed.

But, now to watch my taped American Idol results…

Today, I am simply sick of the world and everyone in it….

Honestly, if I did not fear my death and the possibility of a Hell, I would start taking people out by groups of ten. Anyone and everyone who pissed me off, especially on a day like today, when everything has the potential to aggravate me. I want to sit somewhere rolled up in a ball and just cry until I run out of lachrymal fluid, but I don’t have a reason to do so and the thought of crying makes me feel weak in the long run, and I hate weakness, more in myself than in anyone else.

Life should simply be easier….I think Calvin & Hobbes best demonstrates this point and is the only thing to help ease my mood:

I cannot find a webhost to store the music for my xanga to save my life. All I want to do is hotlink…that’s all, it is so ridiculous. I refuse to hotlink to my own site, I pay for that nonsense and it’s bandwidth. Bah! I suppose I’ll figure out something.

So, I’ve just come back from St. Louis and my Anheuser-Busch interviews and I wish I was in better spirits. I also wish they interviewed based simply on the person presented and past reviews and never grades, because CLEARLY grades don’t say everything they should about a person. Nonetheless, my grades are dismal and all hopes for a career there are slim, but I will not stop praying. After all, I’ve been with A-B for three years as an intern and even if they choose to kick me to the curb, I suppose I can always take the things they taught me somewhere else. I really don’t want to, but at least it is a light at the end of the tunnel.

On some lighter notes, I feel like I’ve grown as a person, by experiencing new challenges, like renting a car and navigating my way through an unfamiliar city for example. Half the fun was getting lousy direction both from Yahoo!Maps and from the concierge at the Sheraton Hotel.

Oh well….I suppose I am still breathing and I can still walk….I suppose life is good.

Bleh….I’ve missed two days….we’ll see if this trend continues to continue….

I am leaving for St. Louis today to see if the past three years of my life have all been for naught.

…the tension’s killing me, slowly, but surely.