Dorienne's Log

I went through all of my previous posts adding categories where necessary and it struck me, just how different a person I am from only a year ago. It’s mind boggling. As I sit here, words fail me. That the person who wrote this post, could be even remotely related to me seems unimaginable.

At church, we often discuss how Jesus has managed to change us for the better. Everyone else always talks about God bringing them out of the bottle, and leading them off drugs and helping them treat people better, but these things never seemed to pertain to me directly. As I looked back on long-forgotten posts, I saw just how profoundly I have changed. Words that spilled out of me a year ago almost shock me. If I did not remember each event surrounding my previous posts, I would swear I never wrote those things.

Hmm…I guess it is just humbling to see the person I was not too long ago.

**Sighs**
On the fifth of this month, I took down my weight and all my measurements including my BMI and body fat. Every Tuesday, I will reassess everything. Sometimes there will be changes, hopefully in a negative realm, other times there will not. The goal is just to have something in front of me, so that I can see the changes. I’ll also take a picture every month because I’ve this master plan of making a little animated gif of my “transformation,” and I need to start somewhere.

height: 61.5 inches
weight: 215 lbs
waist: 41 3/4 inches
hips: 49 1/4 inches
neck: 15 3/16 inches
BMI: 38.73
body fat: 45.3 ~ I know there’s no way that this could be right. No human being could possibly be 50% body fat and live, but at least it’s a number to gauge some kind of progress.

**Rolls Eyes**
On a side note, and by side note, I mean actually “the main thing,” today I was able to do…it. I asked for help. It was time for prayer requests following our choir rehearsal and I was, finally, able to do it. I think it was just because there were so few of us there today, that I actually felt more comfortable than I would have with all of young adult around me, but the point is, I did it. I also asked for help from my mother. I have been so set on being independent that it feels like I’ve failed at life knowing that I need help, but I suppose on the other side, at least I can turn to my mother.

**Laughs**
For the past few weeks, I’ve been praying for God to give me the strength and the words to pray in a group. For every auxiliary of which I am a member, we always end with prayer requests and an individual leading us in prayer. I have long dreaded the ends of meetings because I always knew the time would come when I would be asked to lead the prayer. I had just been praying and praying that the words would come to me. Others have a…gift when it comes to leading our prayers and I always felt like I could never be a natural and encompassing as I needed to be should I be asked to lead. I was asked to lead for both our usher board meeting and our choir rehearsal. The first time, I intentionally looked away and was, of course, called upon to lead. It was short and I felt like I might have missed some things, but I got through it. The second time came far more natural and I felt the words come to me; the way I’d prayed for them to come to me.

I suppose it’s never enough to simply come to church and live a good life. There’s always more to do and quite honestly I can’t say that I have ever had a reason for not doing more…except sheer laziness, but I am working on that.
They’ve, they being the church, has asked me to be a Sunday School teacher. I will be starting out with younger kids and maybe teach some of the older kids and adult classes later. I have to say, though, I am more than intimidated. On Sunday, Pastor asked the question: “Who believes every word of this book?” (this book being the Bible) I didn’t raise my hand when, literally, all those around me did. Why? Because I don’t. I haven’t yet read it from Genesis to Revelation, so how can I say that I believe in something in a book that I haven’t read? It would be the worst of lies and I figured if there was any place that I shouldn’t be lying, it would be while sitting in church on a Sunday morning. And now, I feel perplexed. A part of me, a rather large part of me, wonders if I should be teaching Sunday School since I have so much to learn already. But, I suppose I will learn more about the word of God by teaching it than I ever would just coming to Sunday School and Bible Study.

I got up early today so I could have more time in my day to waste and also make sure that I’ve read next Sunday’s lesson for tonight at our teacher’s meeting. Hopefully, I won’t end up wasting the rest of today….

On Saturday, I went to the church business meeting just to see what went on during it. The pastor announced the positions of leadership held in the church and I can only imagine the surprise on my face when he announced that I, I, would be a Sunday School secretary. I think it was more because I just happened to be in his line of sight when he came to the Sunday School secretaries, but I’m still shocked. I’ve, literally, just joined the church and now I’m about to hold a position there. It’s been less than seven months and here I am. It’s such a contrast to last year; it’s astonishing! On Sunday, the kids were singing and I was just happy to be there that it got me thinking, “What was I doing on Sunday mornings before now?” It’s actually hard for me to remember. Really, it is. I want to say that I was probably recovering from the previous night, but I haven’t been out “partying” in so long that I can’t even say that that’s what I did on Sundays. It’s weird: I was in full college, party-girl mode as of my birthday last year and then I just got tired of all of it. Then, I all but stopped drinking and then I ended up joining my church…? It’s puzzling. I guess Jesus does work in mysterious ways….

So, I’m going to be a teacher. I can only say that I’ll try my best.

So….I was put in charge of the plan to have calendars printed for our church, using images of members and of the church in general. The plan was tell sell the calendars to make a buck or two. So, I pester anyone I can think of to get various images from church events, I take the time to Photoshop the image for each month so that they all come out beautifully, I go to Staples and arrange for the calendars to be printed; I do all of this and what happens? I am totally screwed over by Staples!

I spoke to THREE different people at the same store on THREE different dates and each time I went over, what I wanted to be printed, when I needed them by and the final cost. THREE TIMES this was discussed and THREE TIMES I received the same answers. So today, I make some final adjustments to images that were too small on the proof and head on over to Staples to pay for the 100 calendars for our church where I learn that not only were their bogus dates on the calendars, “John’s Birthday”, “Nini’s Wedding Anniversary,” et al, they made sprial bound calendars instead of stitched, but also, the final cost was not the agreed upon $200 I had discussed with three different people; my calendars were going to cost over one thousand dollars!

Apparently, each of the people I spoke to regarding these calendars neglected to mention that the $200 cost applied only to pre-printed Staples calendars, not those with custom images; that which I needed for my church. Ready to burst into tears, I demanded to speak with a manager, who informed me that while they could possibly offer me my order at a somewhat reduced price, there was no way they could offer me the previously discussed $200 calendars. So, I took my proof and my order and walked out of the store, so upset that I nearly screamed on my way out.

It’s November and these are 2007 calendars. I am literally out of options because nowhere else would someone offer them cheaper. What irritates me the most is that I did everything I was supposed to do, and I still can’t catch a break. It was not like I was just stupid and ASSUMED that the $200 price referred to custom calendars. I asked three different people if I could get 100 calendars with custom images for $200 and they ALL said yes! I was sandbagged by the most incompetent group of imbeciles in the printing industry.

In the back of my mind, I think that I should have known better. I once worked for a Staples and left not four weeks after starting because it was clear that they were going to leave me at the Copy Center, all alone, and without any training. There were days when people came up to me and asked how much X and Y would cost. Since, I felt it irresponisble to give people a price and not have the information to back up the said price, I simply said that I didn’t know. Rather than let someone make an order and end up in the situation I found myself in tonight, I simply said I was ignorant in the matter, and hoped that I would later receive training.

All I’ve got to say is that I refuse to go down quietly. I will be telling my tale to anyone who dares listen. I will voice my utter disgust with Staples to any business I come across and I will be lodging a complaint come Monday morning. I was let down on something simple like church calendars. What if this had been something even more important, like wedding invitations or novel manuscripts? I refuse to buy anything from Staples ever again; even if it’s Staples brand staples. I don’t care! I would rather do without than give another dime to a company such as this. It just makes me wonder, how many other people have been hurt by this extraordinarily incompetent sham of a business called Staples?

Yesterday, I sang in the Mass Choir for the first time. It was fun and we sang a lot of the songs I have loved throughout the time I have been coming to this church. I like the idea of singing in our choir. It feels like I am literally praising God (wow, that sounds corny), and I feel so good afterward.
Anyway, I’ve always wondered what is about that song “Stand.” It’s so emotional, no matter who leads it or which choir sings it. It always gets people to their feet and I had to fight back tears; not specifically happy tears, but just highly emotional. Then, came the altar call and I had to grab a tissue afterward. I looked around and half the people in the church were dabbing their eyes. I cried, not because of the song, but because during the prayer, I truly came to realize what our pastors had been saying for quite some time. At that moment I realized, every day with Jesus really is better than the day before. It was just an interesting moment for me, and it made me cry.

I’ve been busy, naturally, and I honestly, I can barely remember anything signicant happening the past couple of weeks. Yesterday however fell just short of amazing.

I was sitting at my computer, trying desperately to make the lightbox on my church’s website work, when time simply caught up with me. I missed Sunday School, the first time since I had started going, and no one from the church had gotten back with me about when our young adult choir was supposed to meet and where I was supposed to go and everything….I guess it is worth mentioning that I did join the young adult choir the saturday before last. The choir director even gave me a special part to sing on my own….

Anyway, I’d made up my mind that I was just not going to sing and by that point, late for Sunday School had turned into late for church in general and I was feeling worse and worse. When I finally left for church, I was in a ridiculously foul mood and with no viable food in the house, I had to eat McDonald’s again and by the time I got to church I was ready to burst into tears. Nothing was wrong in particular, the day was just going horribly. I snuck in just before the choir was about to come in and basically kept my head down. I just felt angry and upset and in just a poor mood. When they started singing, however, I could feel my demeanor changing for the better and when it was time for the announcements, the choir director motioned for me to come up and join them. I was going to hesitate, but figured I’d go anyway. The look on my pastor’s face when I started to go up to the choir stands was priceless. The song with my little solo was already over, but I was happy to be up there singing with everyone else, regardless of the fact that I didn’t know the words. By the end of church, I was in such a good mood it was unbelievable. That much of a positive influence from two hours of church…..it’s still amazing to me. My good mood has been ongoing since I left the church yesterday. Perhaps it’s because I can’t seem to get our church songs out of my head, but nevertheless…..I don’t know…

My mother said to me while we were at dinner on Sunday that “something” knew that I was about to sing in the choir and didn’t want it to happen. I’m not one to always assume that the devil makes me feel negative. I am still under the belief that there’s enough straight negativity and evil in people without there being a need for some supreme evil being. I think it’s far more plausible that God was punishing me for my vanity and pride over a choir practice that surprised myself. Anyway, all that matters, is that now I feel good….for once.

That vanity thing though…sometimes it’s ridiculous. I wonder how someone like myself, who’s not overly pretty, can be so vain so often…

…and there goes my good mood.

I realized something today when our Pastor did the invitation to the church-thing. Many times people go up to the altar just because they and other members of their family need extra prayer. I understand that times have been bad for me and I am certain that times will get worse, but it just feels like I would never deserve all of the church’s attention no matter how terrible things got. I could never imagine myself feeling that I had the right to ask for an extra prayer or anything just for myself or my family. I am always more than happy to give out extra prayers to any and all who ask for it, but I just can’t see myself as deserving special attention from God and our church.

What got me thinking about this was something I quickly glanced over while reading a verse in my Bible. It’s this special Women’s Bible and it had this little side article about how women often put all others’ needs above their own, and while we like to think of it as being endearing and loving of all, it may really be a type of low self-esteem. I have always considered my self to have the best self-esteem of anyone I know, sometimes….many times, it can be a little too much, but as I sat today thinking about how I could never really deserve a prayer from the church, the idea of my self-esteem’s real nature. I say that I have high self-esteem, but do I actually have it?

Everyone is pressing for me to join the young adult choir and no one will listen when I say that I can’t sing and have nothing to offer the choir. I don’t feel that I have….I don’t want to say “earned”, but it’s the only word that comes to mind…..earned the right to stand in front of our church and sing. I guess I just feel like I’ve got such a long way to go, that I have no business being up there, the fact that I simply don’t want to sing, notwithstanding.

I just don’t see what joining the choir will accomplish. I have nothing to add, and the fact that I’m not exceptionally exuberant during normal church service anyways, makes me feel weary of joining as well. Yelling, loud clapping or singing, or even just standing just feels like I’m being fake, like I’m trying to prove something to all the other members of the church. I don’t see that I have anything to prove especially since I go to be….feel a little closer to God for at least a couple of hours during the week. Being exuberant during the service feels like putting on a show to me, even if people are truly feeling the spirit, or whatever. It was that exuberance that drove me away from the church originally, and the choir is always excited. Every time I see someone dancing and acting as if the Holy Spirit is flowing through them when they are singing in the choir, I wonder if they ever feel it at any other points during the week. I think if you’re in the choir, you should also be coming to Sunday School and afternoon service, which I’ll be going to once I’m done with Anheuser for the summer, but I know not everyone does. The whole idea makes me start arguing with the logical side of my mind and I can feel myself pulling away from my faith again. I guess there’ll be no escape for me and this issue.

Anyways….I’ve got to do some cooking and then get some sleep so I continue with this job of mine….

Today, I spoke with someone with whom I had not conversed in what seemed like ages. It was amazing to me….She seemed so very much the same and I felt like I had “aged” some ten years since the last time we had seen one another. The same things that anger the both of us were still there, but I felt the very strong need to remain positive and behave as a model Christian. However, I felt torn….We would shoot the breeze all the time about this or that, but always in negative terms, however, now I don’t want that negativity dragging me down anymore. For the first time since I joined my church, I felt truly changed. It felt very wrong for swears to come out of my mouth like I tried to today, and I don’t think I’ll be going down that road again. The whole situation seemed….just out of place….odd. There she stood, someone who I consider to be one of best…..my best friend, and at one point we were so very similar and today we seemed miles apart from one another.

I told her that I had joined the church, because I wasn’t sure if I’d told her earlier and she seemed VERY surprised, as I expected. We would go on about how stupid religion was for HOURS, but now I cannot see myself doing that anymore.

Today, I felt different. Today, I actually felt the change Jesus has made in me.

The next step is asking her to come to church with me. I’ll have to be crafty about it, but sometime in the not too distant future, I’ll ask her.

So here is a question I pose to myself: If a young student says to another young student that she has joined her church and has obviously making some changes in her life, why would this second student look upon the first and say, “Well, you can skip church?” It’s as if this second student doesn’t give a damn about what the first is attempting to do with her life.

Sigh….

So, we were supposed to have a party this weekend. I don’t know how it went and have no desire to know. Here is another question I pose to myself: If one is throwing a party and has invited some 40 or 50 people to this party, why on Earth would one think that five cases of alcohol would be adequate for this party? It is this sublime stupidity that makes me lose faith in the human race.
The only way I can think of this in a somewhat positive light is that this event has reaffirmed an idea upon which I was about to renege. I now know what is best for me and certain parties and I now have both the knowledge and the strength to do what is right. Without this weekend’s events, I would have most definitely fallen into old habits which would have doomed me in the end.

Sigh….

I just wish I had more time in my life. Maybe I should stop sleeping for a while, just to add a little more time in my day. There are so many things I want to do and need to do and some things are always trumped by others….I just don’t want to wake up 40ish and realized I’ve never accomplished any of the things I’ve set out to do with my life.

Sigh….

Time for Simpsons and the hope that my food I ordered will be coming within the next ten minutes, then of course this paper I’ve neglected for several weeks and then studying for tomorrow’s Micro quiz since I’ve missed all the others, and then troubleshooting my laptop’s many grievous issues, then discovering the many wonders of Flash MX and flash video creation and updating my websites, then reading the several books I want to read, then writing the several books I’m attempting to write, then cleaning and laundry and organizing my Law and Order tapes and creating some new movies from DVDs and then…..

I joined the church today. I had been preparing myself to do it without tears during most of the sermon, but I took one look at my mother’s sobbing face and I was done. I am simply too emotional. It took Grandma’s sigh after asking me whether or not I had joined the church to make me do it. Once I started thinking about it, I realized I really did not have a reason to keep making excuses of why not to join. Every time I would attend, I would make up some kind of excuse to keep me from approaching when I truly felt this need within me to go up during the call to join. Each time I went to church and we got to that part of the service, I always felt this tension.

What was holding me back? I could get crazy by saying it was the devil, but of course I won’t given that sometimes I question “his” existence. Talking with my mother on the car ride home, I realized there is just so much that I don’t understand about religion. There’s no reason for me not to just join that which I innately believe.

There was a point when I thought that maybe I wouldn’t join, “not this week,” I said to myself, but there was this point during the service….everyone was laughing and I felt good in church, for once. I actually said to myself, “I love church.” It came out so easy and natural. It was then I knew I really had no other excuse except a sense of late teen/early twenties rebellion, and I’ve been saying I’m past all my peers and all of that in itself.

Oh well….

I actually want to go to church next week, but what gets me is superstition. My family has always had this superstition about how one begins the new year, meaning where one is during when the new year approaches, is how one will live the entire year. I rang in the new year in church and now I’ve gone and joined the church. It wasn’t intentional and it wasn’t until after I’d joined that the thought occurred to me.

All I’ve got to say is “how interesting.”