Dorienne's Log

Yes! Finally, I have my blog back!

It has been a harrowing few weeks since I decided to leave Acenet and realized that I had no idea how to begin changing my MySQL databases over to the new account at Lunarpages. I have just this instant figured it out and I am more than ecstatic. I have had so many things about which I just longed to write, but I had no venue in which to display these thoughts. I will transfer a blog post I created in my TV.com blog here since it was pretty significant.

The thing is, last Tuesday, I received a rude awakening. Upon realizing that a fanfic-novel I had been writing was about to become yesterday’s news, it finally occurred to me just how much time I waste on forums and the like. Time that would be better spent accomplishing my many projects. So, for the past few days, I have been away from the TV.com cold turkey. I do not expect that my absence will affect anyone, but still I do wonder. I have been focusing on my writing and today I decided I need to start seeing project through to the end instead of starting up new ones half way through the old and never finishing anything in the process. Some may call this behaviour textbook ADD and bipolar, but I can beat this myself sans label. I just have to focus.

I got a job! It is with Chase and we have yet to get into our actual work since we are still in training. I can’t help, but feel that I am the odd one out in the class, though I think that some of this has to do with the fact that I sit directly in the middle of the room and I do not share a desk with anyone in the training room. It maybe because I have been more or less isolated from people, church members notwithstanding, for quite some time, but I feel just odd in comparison to everyone else. I cannot really explain it, but everyone else seems so different from me that I feel that I almost struggle to relate to all the others. Maybe it’s because I keep finding all these errors in the training materials….I am having great difficulty in finding my niche, which just pains to no ends because, like all humans, I am ever-striving for acceptance and belonging. All in all, though, I just wish we could get through the material and get out on the floor. I fee like I am being robbed each day I spend in training because that is another day where I am working at close to a dollar and hour less than what I should be paid. What irks me the most is that I can’t help thinking that if I just had my degree, I could have applied for a position more suited my interests like the company’s IT department or anything else. I see myself truly testing the limits of the “you have to stay at your level for a year before moving elsewhere” idea. I already want to master this information on competitive spirit alone and there’s no telling how I will be once we are out of training.
The good thing to come out of this, however is that I may have my first web design job. It will probably be just a fifty-dollar job with a very small maintenance fee, but it is a job nonetheless. It excites me so much, I could just dance and sing. And speaking of sing, I had been stressing for several days about the fact that since I work on Saturdays, I will not be able to attend choir practices. Thankfully, most of the songs we do, I already know and our director gave us a CD of a bunch of songs that we will be singing in the coming months. Knowing those songs will be enough for when we are to sing. Today, I sang with the choir even though I was unable to practice with them this month and I think we did great. I was worried about our director for a bit, because I can tell that she is still sick and looked like she was about to pass out while she was directing us. In fact, I was very worried probably because I had dream last night, Saturday night, about one of our church members passing away suddenly and I woke up very upset. In my dream, I was crying over her and no one could understand why I was crying and was upset since she was saved and therefore we all knew where she was going. It was one of those sit straight up in the middle of the night dreams that stay with you for a while and I made sure to hug this person extra hard in church today.

Phew! I have managed to clean my room and catch up on my “correspondence” tonight all in efforts to procrastinate major items further. All this behaviour makes me think that I really am not ready to return to OSU after all. I don’t want to believe it, but here I am under the same stresses and I am struggle once more. I think I just need to press forward and just get my stuff done so I can have more time to write and do what I want to do.

….time to work…

Yesterday, I sang in the Mass Choir for the first time. It was fun and we sang a lot of the songs I have loved throughout the time I have been coming to this church. I like the idea of singing in our choir. It feels like I am literally praising God (wow, that sounds corny), and I feel so good afterward.
Anyway, I’ve always wondered what is about that song “Stand.” It’s so emotional, no matter who leads it or which choir sings it. It always gets people to their feet and I had to fight back tears; not specifically happy tears, but just highly emotional. Then, came the altar call and I had to grab a tissue afterward. I looked around and half the people in the church were dabbing their eyes. I cried, not because of the song, but because during the prayer, I truly came to realize what our pastors had been saying for quite some time. At that moment I realized, every day with Jesus really is better than the day before. It was just an interesting moment for me, and it made me cry.

I’ve been busy, naturally, and I honestly, I can barely remember anything signicant happening the past couple of weeks. Yesterday however fell just short of amazing.

I was sitting at my computer, trying desperately to make the lightbox on my church’s website work, when time simply caught up with me. I missed Sunday School, the first time since I had started going, and no one from the church had gotten back with me about when our young adult choir was supposed to meet and where I was supposed to go and everything….I guess it is worth mentioning that I did join the young adult choir the saturday before last. The choir director even gave me a special part to sing on my own….

Anyway, I’d made up my mind that I was just not going to sing and by that point, late for Sunday School had turned into late for church in general and I was feeling worse and worse. When I finally left for church, I was in a ridiculously foul mood and with no viable food in the house, I had to eat McDonald’s again and by the time I got to church I was ready to burst into tears. Nothing was wrong in particular, the day was just going horribly. I snuck in just before the choir was about to come in and basically kept my head down. I just felt angry and upset and in just a poor mood. When they started singing, however, I could feel my demeanor changing for the better and when it was time for the announcements, the choir director motioned for me to come up and join them. I was going to hesitate, but figured I’d go anyway. The look on my pastor’s face when I started to go up to the choir stands was priceless. The song with my little solo was already over, but I was happy to be up there singing with everyone else, regardless of the fact that I didn’t know the words. By the end of church, I was in such a good mood it was unbelievable. That much of a positive influence from two hours of church…..it’s still amazing to me. My good mood has been ongoing since I left the church yesterday. Perhaps it’s because I can’t seem to get our church songs out of my head, but nevertheless…..I don’t know…

My mother said to me while we were at dinner on Sunday that “something” knew that I was about to sing in the choir and didn’t want it to happen. I’m not one to always assume that the devil makes me feel negative. I am still under the belief that there’s enough straight negativity and evil in people without there being a need for some supreme evil being. I think it’s far more plausible that God was punishing me for my vanity and pride over a choir practice that surprised myself. Anyway, all that matters, is that now I feel good….for once.

That vanity thing though…sometimes it’s ridiculous. I wonder how someone like myself, who’s not overly pretty, can be so vain so often…

…and there goes my good mood.

There is someone I work that I simply cannot stand. It is bordering on hatred. This person has angered me so much in just two short weeks that I just don’t know how I’m going to make it this entire summer. And, what’s worst of all is there is no recourse. There’s no one to whom I can turn and say, “You know what? This person is a complete jerk!” I sat this morning, wondering how am I going to make it having to deal with this person everyday? Finally, I realized I needed a mantra to sing either to myself or out loud to calm me down. The first thing that came to mind was a little diddy I used to hear in cartoons all the time, sung by Southern characters, but that didn’t sit right with me. It was kind of like a slower version of that “Ole, Ole” song. Anyway, it didn’t fit. Then, it occurred to me. The song that’s song as we accept our choir! Ureka! It’s positive, it’s uplifting and I can just sing it when people just plain make me mad. Now, to see if tomorrow’s shift goes better with this song in mind…