Dorienne's Log

I woke up today certain I was dying; no one’s throat could hurt that much and yet there be nothing terminally wrong. Of course, it was only my amygdala going crazy, but that’s why it’s there…

I finished the Daria project, but there are so many things that need to be done that I know I am just going to curl up and let them grow to the point where everything blows up in my face. That’s been the way of my world for the past decade anyhow.

Sometimes, I wish that no one at all cared about me. That way I would never have anyone to disappoint, but myself. Why does everything have to be so important and build on everything else? What if I don’t want to be a leader? What if I just want to sit a room away from the world until the end? What is really wrong with that? I’m beginning to cherish the days when I could go for hours and hours without saying a word to anyone else. When, at the end of the day, I can count on one hand, the number of people with whom I’ve conversed, it feels like a good day. It probably shouldn’t, and when I’m old and grey, I’ll probably regret having “wasted” all this time, but for now, it feels good.

Time to begin a new project, and maybe begin those that really matter as well.

I’m feeling better today. Maybe it was that I got to veg and watch tv for a bit. Maybe it was the good night/morning’s sleep I got. Or perhaps that I was up until the wee hours of the morning cleaning and getting myself prepared for today. It was probably the latter.

I’m no better shape than I was days ago, but at least I feel like things have the possibility of going up instead of further into the abyss.

Tonight, I am going to sit down and really write for once. I’m going to try to get as much done as possible on MMS. The entire ending will probably need to be re-written, so I know I’ll have to just sit down and write it out. I waste too much time trying to think creatively on a computer. It has never worked in the past and I don’t see as how it will start now.

Also, he wishes to speak to me about everything. I don’t really know what’s left to say. Basically, his actions have caused me to lose faith in everyone I know. And unfortunately for him, I’m not her. I don’t forgive and forget. I knew they were going to get back together; it was almost a given. I’m just happy that after a few months, the whole thing will no longer a problem of mine. I want to say vindictively that I can’t wait for him to show his true self all over again to her and for her to be just as angry about, but go right back into it, but I don’t truly feel that way. I’m fine with whatever because come September, this will cease to be my problem.

But now, for a shower and some preparation for class today. Hopefully, I’ll make some headway in the re-write….

Looking back at past entries, I feel the pressure rising. I’ve got just five days to complete something that should have been done long ago. I want to do it, I’m just so lazy….

I am going to go running today, sometime around four probably or just later then. EGB nonsense will be going crazy tonight and I don’t know if I want to be tired from a run or not.

I’ve been playing Final Fantasy VIII on my playstation and I’m not sure if I’m becoming obsessive compulsive or if I’ve got it under control. I want to play now, but need to write. Question is whether or not I can stop playing once I stop. There’s so much to do today and so much that needs to be accomplished; really accomplished, for the good of my life!

I’ve already wasted the day sleeping, but I’ve really been needing this. I haven’t even had the opportunity……..

I’ve been interrupted by old friends. Time to do other things in life.

This past week has been so ridiculously busy, I haven’t had the time to even think straight.

First, American Idol, then EGB, then class and then whatever else

So, Mandisa got kicked off of American Idol. WTF?!?!?! She had a standing ovation when she was standing there in front of everyone. It’s just so damn ridiculous, I can’t stand it. She was THE best one. Though, I’m certain she never would have one the title itself, she definitely should have been in the top five! But anyways….

So, I’ve been interrupted for the past two hours to deal with another EGB thing. I hate when people don’t say what they mean. I hate when people are weak and simply cannot stand their ground. I hate when people allow themselves to be badgered into actions they know are wrong. I hate that everyone insists on making all issues grey when they are clearly black and white. I hate that people make such a big deal out bullshit that will not be remembered in three years. What is wrong with the rest of the world that only I can see the world as it truly is? Anyways, fuck ’em all….

I forgot what I had to say about class…oh well, couldn’t have been all that important.

I don’t understand why people allow themselves to change for the worst. Why don’t people take the chance to look back on their lives every so often and grade how they have changed in a positive or negative light? I do it all the time, and feel like even if I’ve changed for the worst, at least I recognize the problem and can do things in attempts to rectify the situation. What is wrong with the world?!?

Why do I allow other people’s problems to become my own? Why do I always feel like “Your fight is my fight” all the time, when sometimes, often, I really don’t care.

I’m so disappointed in him right now, I don’t know what to do. “Drop the violation.” What are you crazy? Do you really think she’s taken complete leave of her senses or that ANYONE at this stage in the game would allow her to even consider that? Jesus Christ, it’s insanity! And now, bringing ‘ole Dad in to save the day just completes the nonsense. How could anyone ever think that this appropriate? It’s fucking Undergraduate Student Government! Every year it changes, and every year less than a quarter of the university even gives a damn. Oh, how I wish I were part of that damn seventy-five percent! It’s just ludicrous to me that anyone could feel that this is so important that it warrants suspending actions in the REAL fucking WORLD to do. How about a duty to the state and it’s citizens? Obviously that doesn’t matter at all. I’m so happy that our electoral process is such that this nonsense of a man can remain a judge.

As for all the people who “hate” her now, fuck them too! Honestly, if you are too ignorant or just don’t care enough to participate in all the functions of your own damn campaign, how the hell is anyone suppose to assume that you will function on Senate? And by the way, again, three years from now, NO ONE WILL CARE! God!

I cannot stand the argument that “oh, we didn’t know what they were doing.” Who the hell cares? Ignorance does not absolve you from responsibility! Period!!

What irritates me most of all is that I’ve never been one to forgive and forget. I’ll never truly forgive her just leaving for a terrorist nation and lying about. I’ll never forgive Kay who ridiculed me in the fourth grade. I’ll never forgive Emily for assuming that I wasn’t as intelligent as she in the third grade. The list goes on and on. And while I know that they will move on, and forgive and love each other forever and whatever, I know that I’ll never be able to forgive such nonsensical behaviour. I know that if something that infuriated me when I was a child has the same effect thirteen years later, it does not matter how much times goes by, this situation will ALWAYS be in the back of my mind, until the end.

Sigh….onto other irritating things….

So, this girl….I don’t know what irritates me more, her or her fricken family that allows her to be this way. I want to feel sorry for her, but I’m making every attempt not to be. She has everything and has been raised in fricken luxury and will probably never be normal. I have to recognize that I’ll never be able to change that….but I can’t help but want to do so. I want to help and that’s the problem. I want to be the one to knock some sense into her, literally if need be. Why am cursed with compassion at inopportune times?

I spent so much money today, but I cannot even begin to feel bad about it. It’s not like I spent it all in one lump sum that’ll have to be paid at the end of the month or sooner. God bless the Macy’s card and the Coach store in said store. That damn bag makes me so happy, I could cry. I tried to make it out of the store without buying anything unnecessary, but I was sucked in by perfect marketing. When performed so well, I cannot help but stand in vapid admiration and allow them to bring up my card number again and again. I only spent about three hundred dollars total in Macy’s and considering I was about to buy one bag for more than that, I think I made off well. I did not like, however, looking the way I did as I shopped. I should have been “dressed,” and yet I was not and so felt less than I should have. I also did not like having to drive off in my POS car after having spent so much money on bags and shoes and sunglasses and such.

I saw someone from my high school in the store and I fled. I did not want to see her and it did not even have to do with the whole weight thing. I told myself a while ago, I wanted to cut off relationships with everyone from my high school, and this was the first time, I’d actually acted in conjunction with this wish. I did not seek her out to say the stupid, “hey did you go to North?” nonsense. It’s been four years and it’s past time for me to stop remembering those I should not.

Weight. It’s been going up and up and it does not appear to be climaxing at any time soon. Yesterday, I went for a long run/walk thing; I worked out for 2 miles at least. I bought new running shoes and two new sport bras, just to make it that much easier for me to do what is necessary. I’ve also decided that the only way I’ll be able to stay on a somewhat “steady” diet is to become a part-time vegan. On days that I work out, I must eat vegan and consume no artificial sugars; no splenda or aspartame, basically no soda or Crystal Light or juice or whatever. I don’t know what this will do, but at least I can keep myself out of hunger for a few days while staying true to a diet. I’ve just got to lose this weight. I’ve got really about fifty pounds to lose. Just thinking about it makes me kind of dizzy and nauseous.

Oh Jesus. Someone from high school has just IMed me….

Okay, so we’re going to do the stupid chit-chat thing for a while, until one of us stops responding and that’s the end….

And he’s here again….if they’re having his friends over here again, I’m putting my foot down….on his chest. I’m tired of having his friends over here. It’s not my fault that he’s a 23 year old who lives with his parents. Get a decent job and move out of your parent’s place! Then, you all can laugh stupidly at ignorant jokes and drink all the Guiness and Rolling Rock you want all the fricken day long….at your own house! It’s not even the fact that’s he’s here all the time, but the fact that he brings his friends over here; that’s the problem. We, as in those who are on the lease, are not friends with any of his friends! That constitutes a major problem! And so help me God, if she doesn’t give up the parking pass tomorrow….there may actually be bloodshed.

Sigh….

I’m going to finish eating my pizza (haha!) and drinking my soda (haha, again) and play the game I bought today during my shopping spree. I shall see how tomorrow goes. Will there be fun in the cards or will there be drama? Only time shall tell.

Yesterday, I had something slightly important to say, but was rushed out of the house for some other reason, probably pertaining to going out to dinner with the rents, being that it was my mum’s birthday and all. Whatever it was I was going to say, is completely gone and the fact that I am still slightly hungover does not help that fact in any way.

However, last night was fun in the end. I was not sure if I wanted to go out, but I did anyway. We ended up going to a crappy bar and eventually to Panini’s where we actually had our fun. I had not gone out in probably six or seven weeks, but for once I decided to reach out and make contact with my peers. There was of course the ever fantastic fun of trying to run away from some random homeless guy who was most likely going to rob us on our way out of the bar, but what made the night fun for me were the pictures I took. The last time I went out and took pictures, I looked pretty terrible in them. Last night’s pictures, I looked kind of cute for once and I did not feel depressed while drinking. I also saw a number of people I had not seen in months and surprisingly they were people I actually wanted to see rather than the ones I turn away from on the street. I had a good time, but it makes me wonder if next quarter I will be going out at all.

True, I had fun last night, but really only because it was St. Patty’s Day and I kind of felt obligated to do so. Would I have that kind of fun throughout next quarter though? Probably not…

Even though I have been nagged and emotionally harassed over the past couple of days, I feel like today has been a good day. I have validated a lot of code on several of my pages, watched nothing but old Daria episodes all day and now I about to go shopping for containers to store my old tapes, because I truly adore organizing things and I could not imagine anything better than organizing hundreds of tapes.

I am also going to make some things for my mum’s birthday tomorrow and buy her some fun things too. No mall shopping necessary; just a few stores that I have to drive to here and there.

It may be a good day afterall.

I hate malls. This fact must be known before I can truly rant any further, for without knowing that I hate malls, very little of what I have to say will make any sense. There is just something about Americans getting together in long walks of land, all with the sole purpose of spending money. Malls are different from say, grocery stores or simple markets. At a market, I can go inside, find what I need and be on my way. Malls, being simply so vast and crowded make it nearly impossible to find what is needed let alone, run in and out again quickly. They are designed to keep people inside, to ensure that even when one has had enough, one still has to maneuver through a labyrinth of “must-have” items simply to get to an exit. And, even if the exit has been successfully found, one is left only with a new plethora of shops, all begging for time and money. When I step into a mall, especially on a crowded Sunday, the onset of nausea is immediately felt. So many people….buying things….things they don’t need….digging through all of the sale racks….digging for hours on end….

Malls are especially irritable during the winter months because of the “coat-factor.” If one is wearing a coat designed to keep out winter’s elements, once inside a mall, the coat is no longer necessary. However, now exists the problem of what to do with said coat. Sure, it could be carried, but this said winter coat can become quite heavy over a course of time a short as 30 minutes and problem persists, with the added irritation that nothing was done about the coat when one first stepped into the mall. Some malls have coat checks for a small fee, but this option is simply not viable. Notwithstanding the fact that one’s coat may be set next to smoke chain-smoking hippie-type who might have picked up some new venereal disease while last wearing his or her coat, the problem remains of the implications of the coat check. Checking a coat denotes an ample amount of time will be spent in this mall. One is openly giving into the idea of wasting several hours of the day enclosed away from the rest of the world and spending money on wasteful items.

Middle class America constantly complains of not having it “all,” but it is the acceptance of local malls which complete the cycle. No, of course one cannot afford that new summer house on “the lake” if one spends thirty percent of one’s paycheck on nonsensical items like a brand-new wardrobe each season, or a newer plasma TV for the last room in the house that did not hold a television, or random CDs because said music is currently popular, but never will be again, or beefing up one’s DVD collection just for the sake of doing so, or spending hundreds of dollars on “special” bear that a child can “build” his or herself, or buying expensive chocolate which will end up in the exact same place as that two-dollar cheeseburger from the previous night, or paying money for commercial mass-produced art, especially when one’s house is already full of clutter…. More or less, I hate malls. They are the culmination of all things wrong with America: excess and greed.

Moving on, today I spent two hours in a wretched, overcrowded mall. I needed some new suits for upcoming interviews and apart from being thoroughly annoyed by the fact that the one suit for which I had fallen in love did not look right on me, not because of my weight, but simply that I am too short, I had what I like to refer to as an Agoraphobic Attack. All those people….digging through the 40% off racks….waiting impatiently in line at the fitting rooms….the rude Ethiopian sales woman pissing off each customer who came in path….all this waste; it felt simply overwhelming, in an angry, nauseated sort of way, and even though I was not footing the bill in this expenditure, the need to get out of the mall quickly outweighed my need for a “free” suit.

I have never understood the purpose of shopping just for the sake of shopping. In the back of my mind, I feel like a hypocrite since I have some 50 pairs of shoes, but all that can explained (in a later rant, of course). As for shopping, I have to ask why. Why? If one finds a suit that looks good and fits right and said suit costs $300, and one has $300, then buy the fricken suit! Why would someone waste precious moments of this life that is far too short anyway, digging through sale racks to find the best “deal.” If one does not have the money to spend, then don’t go shopping. It saves lives in the long run: no increased debt, no decrease of a credit score, no increase of crap that will eventually end up in some land fill, no decrease of manufacturer’s keeping their sites in this country and thus decreasing jobs available for Americans. By not spending just because one hasn’t got shit else to do, the world ends up being a happier place.

I am also annoyed by people in my house (who don’t pay a goddamn cent of rent) telling me how my house should be run, but that was just the proverbial icing on the cake, and I am sure the irritation in that direction was simply amplified by my having wasted some of the only time I have on this Earth buying stupid a suit.

Ah, Sundays….