Dorienne's Log

First, the article: http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/asia-pacific/8141867.stm
Now, my previous post: http://blog.doriennesmith.com/?p=386

I had originally planned this gushing, love-filled post about Michael Jackson (and, surely that will follow in the days to come), but this is current and reeks of a hypocrisy so blatant, that I could not allow it to pass without mention.

Not six months ago, China went on a rampage in their accusations over America’s abilities to curtail violence and racial discrimination and yet, here we are. A part of me wants to laugh at the irony, but my stomach is so turned by anger that I cannot manage it.

The US may (and does) have its problems, but as a testament to being who we are, Americans, we do not sweep under the rug that which we do not want the rest of the world to see. As a world leader, we do not have that luxury. Yet, even through our various problems with racism and violence, the US still values diversity and freedom. We recognize that our citizens come in all shapes sizes and colours and we are united in the states, not under a single racial identity, but by our love of freedom and of the republic that affords us said freedom.

I will admit that uniting one billion people under a single identity is most likely a daunting exercise (which makes one wonder what why it is even necessary), but to deny citizens their right to love and explore their respective cultures and histories speaks on every way China fails as it attempts to usurp the United States’ place as a leader in the world.

Again, I find it laughable that six months ago, China was boldly pointing the finger at the US over racial hatred and violence and yet, China’s in-house problems stem far deeper than they currently in the States. I do not presume to say that the US does not suffer from the sporadic racially-motivated span of protests, but here in the US, it is at least politically incorrect to presume that one “race” of people is the model and all “lesser” ethnicities represent everything undesirable. In China, Han Chinese are encouraged (via promises of success and wealth) to move into regions that are populated mostly by minority ethnic groups and, essentially, supplant them. These minorities, who are holding onto their culture, their language, their religion and their way of life, are already kept in near government-sanctioned poverty for simply being who they are and yet, the Chinese government wishes to take away even the small lifestyles that they have.

I do not harbor the delusion that the US had not done the same in the past (e.g. ousting of Native Americans from their lands, annexation of Mexican lands), but we have not committed the same atrocities while appearing on a global stage and trying to pretend that everything is sunshine and roses on the home front.

With its own people killing one another over something as simplistic as “racial” harmony and China cracking down on any forms of protest and (God-forbid) expressions of religion, now would be a splendid time for those UN reports about the continued deterioration of China’s human rights’ record to come around again.

In the past seven days, I have learned more about life than I had ever thought possible. I’ve learned that there will never be real justice in this world because there will always be someone out there who believes that he or she is above the rules that govern everyone else. I’ve learned that the vast majority of everyone I will ever meet will prove to be weak and will falter if someone like me is not there to stand strong and willing. Most of all, I have learned that no one in this world can be trusted. Everyone changes, often times for the worst, and those in whom you have put trust and faith will ultimately let you down in the end. It is a harsh reality with which I must come to terms and I cannot say that I am pleased with the life lessons brought to me in the past seven days. Actions were performed, actions that could have been amended, actions that though they were surely wrong, could have been mollified to make the lives of everyone involved easier, but they were not.

I want to wash my hands of the entire thing and continue on as if nothing ever happened, but I cannot. I wish that some day, my intuition will prove incorrect. It frightens me that at such a young age, I can know that I am right in everything and PROVE to be right in everything. I know that when we first met him, he was not the malformed, integrity-lacking, rouge he proved to be in past days. He was a good person, yet he allowed himself to be associated with those I have repeatedly warned were not good people. I warned against associating with those who had true evil in their hearts, yet no one listened and here we sit today.

I wish I were one to forgive and forget, but I am not. My trust, my faith in everyone I know has been shaken. Who will be the next to “betray” me, I wonder? My unhappiness and anger at this situation has combined to form utter indifference. I do not care to meet anyone new, because I know, for certain now, that he or she will prove to be false in the end. It is times like these I wonder about God, and if He is all powerful and all knowing, why was this allowed to touch my life? Why do I need to learn these lessons? What was the point of all of this? How can coming this much closer to losing faith in all of humanity going to make me a better person? I have gained nothing from this experience except malcontent and the knowledge that I may actually be right all of the time. I don’t think I am ready to take on such responsibility this early in life….

This past week has been so ridiculously busy, I haven’t had the time to even think straight.

First, American Idol, then EGB, then class and then whatever else

So, Mandisa got kicked off of American Idol. WTF?!?!?! She had a standing ovation when she was standing there in front of everyone. It’s just so damn ridiculous, I can’t stand it. She was THE best one. Though, I’m certain she never would have one the title itself, she definitely should have been in the top five! But anyways….

So, I’ve been interrupted for the past two hours to deal with another EGB thing. I hate when people don’t say what they mean. I hate when people are weak and simply cannot stand their ground. I hate when people allow themselves to be badgered into actions they know are wrong. I hate that everyone insists on making all issues grey when they are clearly black and white. I hate that people make such a big deal out bullshit that will not be remembered in three years. What is wrong with the rest of the world that only I can see the world as it truly is? Anyways, fuck ’em all….

I forgot what I had to say about class…oh well, couldn’t have been all that important.

I don’t understand why people allow themselves to change for the worst. Why don’t people take the chance to look back on their lives every so often and grade how they have changed in a positive or negative light? I do it all the time, and feel like even if I’ve changed for the worst, at least I recognize the problem and can do things in attempts to rectify the situation. What is wrong with the world?!?

Why do I allow other people’s problems to become my own? Why do I always feel like “Your fight is my fight” all the time, when sometimes, often, I really don’t care.

I’m so disappointed in him right now, I don’t know what to do. “Drop the violation.” What are you crazy? Do you really think she’s taken complete leave of her senses or that ANYONE at this stage in the game would allow her to even consider that? Jesus Christ, it’s insanity! And now, bringing ‘ole Dad in to save the day just completes the nonsense. How could anyone ever think that this appropriate? It’s fucking Undergraduate Student Government! Every year it changes, and every year less than a quarter of the university even gives a damn. Oh, how I wish I were part of that damn seventy-five percent! It’s just ludicrous to me that anyone could feel that this is so important that it warrants suspending actions in the REAL fucking WORLD to do. How about a duty to the state and it’s citizens? Obviously that doesn’t matter at all. I’m so happy that our electoral process is such that this nonsense of a man can remain a judge.

As for all the people who “hate” her now, fuck them too! Honestly, if you are too ignorant or just don’t care enough to participate in all the functions of your own damn campaign, how the hell is anyone suppose to assume that you will function on Senate? And by the way, again, three years from now, NO ONE WILL CARE! God!

I cannot stand the argument that “oh, we didn’t know what they were doing.” Who the hell cares? Ignorance does not absolve you from responsibility! Period!!

What irritates me most of all is that I’ve never been one to forgive and forget. I’ll never truly forgive her just leaving for a terrorist nation and lying about. I’ll never forgive Kay who ridiculed me in the fourth grade. I’ll never forgive Emily for assuming that I wasn’t as intelligent as she in the third grade. The list goes on and on. And while I know that they will move on, and forgive and love each other forever and whatever, I know that I’ll never be able to forgive such nonsensical behaviour. I know that if something that infuriated me when I was a child has the same effect thirteen years later, it does not matter how much times goes by, this situation will ALWAYS be in the back of my mind, until the end.

Sigh….onto other irritating things….

So, this girl….I don’t know what irritates me more, her or her fricken family that allows her to be this way. I want to feel sorry for her, but I’m making every attempt not to be. She has everything and has been raised in fricken luxury and will probably never be normal. I have to recognize that I’ll never be able to change that….but I can’t help but want to do so. I want to help and that’s the problem. I want to be the one to knock some sense into her, literally if need be. Why am cursed with compassion at inopportune times?

I spent so much money today, but I cannot even begin to feel bad about it. It’s not like I spent it all in one lump sum that’ll have to be paid at the end of the month or sooner. God bless the Macy’s card and the Coach store in said store. That damn bag makes me so happy, I could cry. I tried to make it out of the store without buying anything unnecessary, but I was sucked in by perfect marketing. When performed so well, I cannot help but stand in vapid admiration and allow them to bring up my card number again and again. I only spent about three hundred dollars total in Macy’s and considering I was about to buy one bag for more than that, I think I made off well. I did not like, however, looking the way I did as I shopped. I should have been “dressed,” and yet I was not and so felt less than I should have. I also did not like having to drive off in my POS car after having spent so much money on bags and shoes and sunglasses and such.

I saw someone from my high school in the store and I fled. I did not want to see her and it did not even have to do with the whole weight thing. I told myself a while ago, I wanted to cut off relationships with everyone from my high school, and this was the first time, I’d actually acted in conjunction with this wish. I did not seek her out to say the stupid, “hey did you go to North?” nonsense. It’s been four years and it’s past time for me to stop remembering those I should not.

Weight. It’s been going up and up and it does not appear to be climaxing at any time soon. Yesterday, I went for a long run/walk thing; I worked out for 2 miles at least. I bought new running shoes and two new sport bras, just to make it that much easier for me to do what is necessary. I’ve also decided that the only way I’ll be able to stay on a somewhat “steady” diet is to become a part-time vegan. On days that I work out, I must eat vegan and consume no artificial sugars; no splenda or aspartame, basically no soda or Crystal Light or juice or whatever. I don’t know what this will do, but at least I can keep myself out of hunger for a few days while staying true to a diet. I’ve just got to lose this weight. I’ve got really about fifty pounds to lose. Just thinking about it makes me kind of dizzy and nauseous.

Oh Jesus. Someone from high school has just IMed me….

Okay, so we’re going to do the stupid chit-chat thing for a while, until one of us stops responding and that’s the end….

And he’s here again….if they’re having his friends over here again, I’m putting my foot down….on his chest. I’m tired of having his friends over here. It’s not my fault that he’s a 23 year old who lives with his parents. Get a decent job and move out of your parent’s place! Then, you all can laugh stupidly at ignorant jokes and drink all the Guiness and Rolling Rock you want all the fricken day long….at your own house! It’s not even the fact that’s he’s here all the time, but the fact that he brings his friends over here; that’s the problem. We, as in those who are on the lease, are not friends with any of his friends! That constitutes a major problem! And so help me God, if she doesn’t give up the parking pass tomorrow….there may actually be bloodshed.

Sigh….

I’m going to finish eating my pizza (haha!) and drinking my soda (haha, again) and play the game I bought today during my shopping spree. I shall see how tomorrow goes. Will there be fun in the cards or will there be drama? Only time shall tell.

First, I fucking hate people. What is wrong with people that makes it so no one can just say what they mean? I have never NOT been straight with people. If I didn’t want to go out, I’ll just say, I don’t want to go out. No hard feelings, I just don’t want to. Rather than put a drag on everyone else’s evening, I’ll just stay at home when I don’t fucking feel like dealing with people. I have never just gone out to go out and then be bitchy all night because I didn’t really want to go in the first place. A prime example of a bullshit thing that I’ve never done, because I seen no reason to not be straight with people. In the end, you piss off more people by keeping things to yourself than you will by initially be up front about things.

If she didn’t want to go on vacation with us, she just should have fucking said it, so we could have made our plans and been on our way. But no! She’s going to dick around and not give a straight answer for weeks and weeks and then go off with her boyfriend for a week. Like that shit didn’t take forever to plan. Like she couldn’t have said, “Look, girls, I’m going off with him for Spring Break. You guys can do what you like.” It would have been fucking fine! We could have shared pictures or whatever when we all got back. But no! She wants to dick around and not say a fucking thing, and make us all have the lousiest break ever. God, I just can’t fucking stand people. The world would be such a better place if people just quit worrying about hurt feelings or some other bullshit and say what they mean. If she had just said that she didn’t want to go with us, yes, I would have been slightly angry for a bit, but then the whole episode would pass and everything would be fine. Now, I’m angrier than I’ve ever been in a really long time. Bringing home fucking Michigan seashells! Like that’s going to make up for fucking dicking around for weeks and weeks about going on vacation. It’s shit like this that makes people kill one another. It’s mental states like this, like the one I’m in now, that cause people to be acquitted for murder by reasons of mental default or whatever. So fucking angry!

I can’t even remember what I had for a second or a third. Fucking seashells! Goddamn, I hate people! Like I need this stress going into a new quarter….

I just need to calm down….I’ve got the relaxing music playing and I’ve fixed my laptop, to some degree. At least I know it’s problems stemmed from overheating and not some random virus or something.

There are times when I wish I had a gun. Sometimes, it might be nice to go off and shoot the hell out of something for a bit and then come home and relaxing, having already gotten out my frustration. Other times, I know that there would be times like these and I know I’d be writing this as a sworn statement or reliving these moments while being judged by a panel of twelve “peers.”

Deep breaths now….

I saw Inside Job tonight and I liked it. There’s nothing better than seeing one’s two favorite actors on screen together at the same time and do it so well. I thought it was brilliant, but I think anything that either of them do is brilliant, so I know my own opinion doesn’t amount to much.

….

Feeling slightly better; a little more calm, now. I think I’ll play The Sims for a while, then clean my room and gather my things for tomorrow’s classes. I suppose I could attempt to see this quarter off on the right foot.

I cannot take much more of this.

Just when I thought it could not possibly get any more ridiculous, the sun rises once more.

I’ve just come from my Micro lab written practical and I would feel completely livid, if I could find the urge to give a damn. God! From the very beginning, the class was a complete and utter waste of my time and today simply proved the fact to an unwavering degree. We had a class assignment turned in two weeks ago, one that was not necessary in the first place, only to have it returned to us today, the day of the fricken practical! I look at my assignment and realize that I did it completely wrong. Okay, that would not have been a problem, had I received the graded assignment even yesterday, but no, I received it upon completing my practical. The problem? The practical had a problem IDENTICAL to the said assignment and I completed the problem the EXACT same way as I had previously. Had the TAs and the lab instructor taken an extra second to do their jobs, I would have had my assignment, realized I did something wrong and been able to rectify this issue on the practical. But, no! I have to deal with idiots and morons who do not want to be at their jobs anymore than I wish to be in their classrooms. The whole thing makes me sick.

Even more infuriating is the realization, coming to me through a fuming walk home from the practical, that the only reason I have remained a Microbiology major was because it fit in perfectly with my internship with Anheuser, and now with the great plausibility that I will not get a job offer from them, I see that the past four years of my life have been a complete waste. So many times did I think about saying, “Screw it” and just become an English or History or some bullshit, easy Humanities major and just find a job some time, somewhere that was enough to pay the bills. I would have been far happier as an English major than with with my current one. I just wish I had had someone to look at me say, “Dorienne, do what will make you happiest in the end” instead of someone pushing me to what he or she thought was a definition of success. Wealth and success are not synonymous to me and never will be. A successful life would be one where everyday one could go to sleep with a smile on his or her face, thankful for another happy day on Earth.

Now, my entire life’s strategy must be re-worked and I hate myself for not listening to myself and what I knew I wanted out of my life. Like it suggests in the title, hell is having to deal with other people. Some of the best days of my life have been spent locked away from the rest of the world for hours at a time. What does that say about me, I wonder….

Today, I am simply sick of the world and everyone in it….

Honestly, if I did not fear my death and the possibility of a Hell, I would start taking people out by groups of ten. Anyone and everyone who pissed me off, especially on a day like today, when everything has the potential to aggravate me. I want to sit somewhere rolled up in a ball and just cry until I run out of lachrymal fluid, but I don’t have a reason to do so and the thought of crying makes me feel weak in the long run, and I hate weakness, more in myself than in anyone else.

Life should simply be easier….I think Calvin & Hobbes best demonstrates this point and is the only thing to help ease my mood: