Dorienne's Log

I’ve asked myself these past few days, ‘why do I keep coming to church?’ I’ve always answered with ‘it makes me feel better’ or ‘because it feels right.’ Today, I received an affirmation! I looked at my Amex bill and nearly burst into tears. I owed $600, I had $150 in my checking account. I would not get any money until the week of the 19th. Dread seeped over me. I would have to borrow money from my mother in order to cover the bill. Of all horrifying things to happen to an adult, this is of course the worst. Instead of digressing into self-pity and depression, I went to church like I’ve been doing these past few weeks. I asked my mother for a $400 loan and I had a small break-down in the church bathroom, but I was alright in the end. I felt better; though my money woes had not yet been lifted, it seemed like what my pastor has been telling me: through God, Jesus, if you will, everything WILL be all right. I came home, feeling much better and started a to-do list which included studying and, of course, cleaning my room. As I began cleaning, procrastinating with the studying, of course, I found a bill of older account statements and what looked like a check stub from an old Anheuser check. I opened the stub, not expecting to see anything, and low and behold, no pun in intended, there sat a check for $300! Combined with the money from my father’s last check, I no longer needed a loan from my mother, and quickly told her so. Though my money woes are still far from over, I cannot help but feel utterly saved through the grace of God.

There is a rational explanation for what transpired today: I simply forgot about the check until this opportune moment. But still….if I had deposited that check months ago, I would have most likely spent it already, leaving me without any recourse presently. I feel like crying because…I am truly grateful for what God has given to me. And…I’m also so happy that I can attribute this to Him, instead of simple dumb luck like I might have a month ago. I am also sad, that I cannot express this sentiment with those around because I know they would laugh and look at me as if I were clearly making a joke because of the person I used to be. My only comfort is knowing that time and Jesus will eventually resolve this issue for the best.

Actually, it’s not, but it does feel that way for some odd reason. The quarter is over and finals have begun. I’m going to study tonight and much of tomorrow. I’ll probably stay up all night for the 730 one. Why in God’s name would someone find appropriate to have a final or ANY class for that matter at 730 in the morning? It’s obscene! The world would be a better place if the “day” started around ten or 11. Oh well….

The stupid network for the stupid website is down…again. I suppose I got what I have paid for, but it still doesn’t make it any better. And my stupid computer mouse is dying again. The damn thing just eats batteries. That’s ridiculous!

I’ve spent much of today finding new ways of circumventing the proverbial “man.” I’d decided I wanted to create my own background for a page on the X-Files site and that it should contain that classic X. Upon checking the “X-Files” font I had saved on my computer, I realized that the X was nothing like the classic one and the more I looked at the font in comparison to what was on the show, I realized they looked nothing alike! Off I went, searching like a devil, trying to find an adequate X-Files font, when finally I discovered it: Trixie! Trixie, the name of this wonderful font! I shouted with glee, thankful that I’d finally found the needed font. However, glee quickly to turned to confusion which in turn became rage. Trixie, apparently, is some special font that cannot simply be downloaded and used like any normal font, oh no! Trixie was a deluxe font that must be purchased and then downloaded! Of all the impertinent flim flams in this world! How could anyone charge not 10 dollars, not 20 dollars, but 65 dollars!!!! for a font that should my computer decide it’s had enough and just dies, my 65-dollar font will go down in flames with it? The idea of it was laughable and I would have done so if I wasn’t paralyzed with rage. And thus, my day-long crusade began. What I do find interesting is that the holders of this 65-dollar font would display crystal clear images of each character of said font, and display it in such a format that would allow easy downloading. I suppose the sellers could not possibly imagine someone taking the time to download each image separately, download a free program which will take said images and turn them into a perfect Windows and Mac-enabled font, and go through the painstaking process of creating a new font from the downloaded images, all out of principle and spite…

All that’s left now is to size my new and improved Trixe font properly and I will have saved myself 65 dollars. True the better part of a day has been spent to this crusade, but good things come to the patient and the willful. Anyone, could have pulled out a credit card and pushed a few buttons to acquire this grail, but only someone who could continuously grind her teeth saying, “It’s the principle of the thing!” would be able to screw over those who feel that charging 65 dollars for something that could be easily recreated is anything but reprehensible, by offering said item for free on her website.

**changing the world, one minor injustice at a time**

Must type quickly….obsessions rising like crazy…I’ve listened to Lately, both by Stevie Wonder and Jodeci about 30 times a piece and all this happened in one night…there is an X-Men obsession growing and growing. I know this will probably go the way of my Star Wars obession, but this is awakening a very deep and very old obsession stemming back to before I even realized I had this problem. It was just the idea of reading up on Wolverine and Storm…I got that excitement that only comes with a new obession. It is only because I’ve just watched the last X-Men movie and that is always the stem of this sort of thing….

Okay, for some reason this damn keyboard has decided that it does not want to continue typing properly, so I will end…

There’s always stuff, so much stuff to do (God, I’m hungry). I have to clean and do laundry and write my paper and this and that and the fricken list goes on forever. Now, it feels like there’s no way I can procrastinate; I think I haven’t the motivation to procrastinate. I have hit an all-time low.What can I do? People still piss me off; everyday I feel like I would be so much happier if I did not have anyone at all in my life. I cannot accomplish any of my goals.

Maybe I have too many? Maybe I’m just trying to aim too high? Eyes bigger than my stomach, and so on (I really wish I had cake).

Time to write, something, anything. I just need to start something. I’ve got nothing really to say, I just feel the depression coming and it makes it so difficult to breathe…

So here is a question I pose to myself: If a young student says to another young student that she has joined her church and has obviously making some changes in her life, why would this second student look upon the first and say, “Well, you can skip church?” It’s as if this second student doesn’t give a damn about what the first is attempting to do with her life.

Sigh….

So, we were supposed to have a party this weekend. I don’t know how it went and have no desire to know. Here is another question I pose to myself: If one is throwing a party and has invited some 40 or 50 people to this party, why on Earth would one think that five cases of alcohol would be adequate for this party? It is this sublime stupidity that makes me lose faith in the human race.
The only way I can think of this in a somewhat positive light is that this event has reaffirmed an idea upon which I was about to renege. I now know what is best for me and certain parties and I now have both the knowledge and the strength to do what is right. Without this weekend’s events, I would have most definitely fallen into old habits which would have doomed me in the end.

Sigh….

I just wish I had more time in my life. Maybe I should stop sleeping for a while, just to add a little more time in my day. There are so many things I want to do and need to do and some things are always trumped by others….I just don’t want to wake up 40ish and realized I’ve never accomplished any of the things I’ve set out to do with my life.

Sigh….

Time for Simpsons and the hope that my food I ordered will be coming within the next ten minutes, then of course this paper I’ve neglected for several weeks and then studying for tomorrow’s Micro quiz since I’ve missed all the others, and then troubleshooting my laptop’s many grievous issues, then discovering the many wonders of Flash MX and flash video creation and updating my websites, then reading the several books I want to read, then writing the several books I’m attempting to write, then cleaning and laundry and organizing my Law and Order tapes and creating some new movies from DVDs and then…..

I joined the church today. I had been preparing myself to do it without tears during most of the sermon, but I took one look at my mother’s sobbing face and I was done. I am simply too emotional. It took Grandma’s sigh after asking me whether or not I had joined the church to make me do it. Once I started thinking about it, I realized I really did not have a reason to keep making excuses of why not to join. Every time I would attend, I would make up some kind of excuse to keep me from approaching when I truly felt this need within me to go up during the call to join. Each time I went to church and we got to that part of the service, I always felt this tension.

What was holding me back? I could get crazy by saying it was the devil, but of course I won’t given that sometimes I question “his” existence. Talking with my mother on the car ride home, I realized there is just so much that I don’t understand about religion. There’s no reason for me not to just join that which I innately believe.

There was a point when I thought that maybe I wouldn’t join, “not this week,” I said to myself, but there was this point during the service….everyone was laughing and I felt good in church, for once. I actually said to myself, “I love church.” It came out so easy and natural. It was then I knew I really had no other excuse except a sense of late teen/early twenties rebellion, and I’ve been saying I’m past all my peers and all of that in itself.

Oh well….

I actually want to go to church next week, but what gets me is superstition. My family has always had this superstition about how one begins the new year, meaning where one is during when the new year approaches, is how one will live the entire year. I rang in the new year in church and now I’ve gone and joined the church. It wasn’t intentional and it wasn’t until after I’d joined that the thought occurred to me.

All I’ve got to say is “how interesting.”

I’ve been wataching The Simpsons for almost seven days straight and I’ve realized what an incredible show it is. There really hasn’t been a dip in quality whatsoever; kind of interesting that way.

I wish I had the initiative to write something a little more interesting. I want to write, but I also just want sit here and play The Sims…..

Barely the energy to type…..

I helped a homeless man today.
Why?
Can’t say.

Maybe I just felt bad for him
This man
This white man
Who looked as if he had had every opportunity to succeed.
A pale face and blue eyes,
Sitting on a bench near campus
All I could think
Was, what had truly gone wrong in his life
That he, this man
This white man
Should be sitting
Begging
Asking for spare change
On a bench near campus?

Only questions came before me
As I past him by and by:
Why had God forsaken him so?
Did he believe in the same God that I know?
Was his begging only for show?
Did he look at me and see
Only a nigger, so low?

I passed him once and lied
“No spare change” says I
I passed again, but he remembered
And did not ask his question again.
I prepared to pass him thrice
When I heard him call out his words
“Please, I’ll take
A piece of pizza.
Not just change.
I’m starving here.”
I continued to walk
My own endeavour
Of finding that damn book
Maggie: Girl of the Streets
Now fleeting
I heard him say these words
And they struck a chord in me.
Had I not just passed a place
That sold pizza by the slice
For two bucks?
Had I not just pondered to myself
Whether I should splurge for pizza
Or stick to my goal of Chipotle for the day?
I had a choice
I had could make plans
I, who walked the street
In a Coach bag and sweatpants,
I, who’s “mommy” had come forth
To pay a ticket, one-thirty it cost,
So I would not have to give the money myself
I, who was about to go home play
On two personal computers
With everything in my life
Built my own way.
I, who had everything given to her
On a near silver platter
Everyday of her life…
Was I really going to walk on by,
Walk by as if I’d never heard his cry?

I had taken some steps to my car,
The car I took for granted each day,
When his words played through my head
Again and again.
How could I live with myself
For the rest of the day,
Seeing him thrice
And not giving a damn?
I would be no better than all those that I hate.
I would be the same as the greatest hypocrites to date.
The same, just the same.
Preach about poverty in America,
Write about utopian societies
Act like I really cared about my fellow man,
But walk on by like it did not matter,
Like his words has fallen on deaf ears.

When I’d first walked by him
I’d thought,
How could someone allow this to happen?
What had gone wrong in his life?
The second time I’d passed
It occurred to me.
I had no concept
Of poverty.
i could not believe
I could not conceive
Of a time or a place
That that could happen to me.
There were too many that loved
Too many that cared
Too many that knew me
To allow me to sit there.

And so his words echoed through my head.
And I thought of my soul.
How was I going to explain this to God.
Should that day come.
I heard and I felt for him
This man, this white man
But did nothing.
He was my brother through Eve
My family through Jesus
And yet I did nothing.

And so I stopped in mid sidewalk
Walk back to the shop
Where the little New York man
I’d conversed with many times before
Asked me what I wanted.
I bought a slice of plain cheese.
Two bucks, no drink.
I had things to do.
I was to be giving
But could not reliquish
That bitch within me
I returned to give
The man his requested slice
And found that he’d walked down the street.
Why?
I pondered then.
What should I do
Eat the pizza?
I bought it,
Why not.
Maybe go back and get a drink too.
The Christian in me
Or maybe it was only my humanity.
Picked up my feet
And I walked down the street.
Caught up with him and said,
“You’d asked for some pizza.
Here you go.”

He looked thankful,
So thankful
And told me such
I nodded and walked away
And while I walked
I saw them
Two white cops in uniforms white
Were coming to rustle
The “vagrants” from the area.
‘Course, the man had been loud
Not louder than too many others
I’d seen in that same spot,
But some uneased student
Or shopkeeper perhaps,
Had called the “po-po”
To remove this man
This white homeless man
From his bench.

I walked by the cops
And back to my car
No smile of self satisfaction
Came to my face.
No feelings of pride
Over what I had done,
No joy, no absolution
Nothing.

I helped a homeless man today.
Why?
Still, I can’t say.
I don’t feel like I’ll now go to heaven
For doing what was “right.”
I didn’t know the man.
I didn’t know his story,
But I just felt after all that I have
After all I’ve done.
I could spare five minutes
To help another.
Perhaps he won’t remember me;
Perchance, I won’t he,
But at least for one moment in my life
I did something,
Not because I felt God watching,
Not because I would feel like a better person for doing so,
Not because I felt my one act could save humanity.
I did something
Just because I wanted to.

(3/8/2006)

It’s Cinco de Mayo. Yay….

I’m going to see a step show and that’ll be the end of it for me….

….Went to exhaustively long step show….

I can’t believe the Omegas didn’t even have a team. The last time I went, they were pretty bad in comparison to the rest, but the Deltas had to step up for them. I don’t understand why Omegas are so weak here…

I’m staying in tonight, obviously, and I really don’t mind it. It’s strange: being “alone” when I’m out with other people, makes me feel far more lonely than when I’m just alone and by myself. I think the idea that I am alone is paraded in front of me when I go out with all of them and it makes me feel bad about myself, and honestly, who needs that? There are plenty of things around the house to make me feel bad about myself, without having to go out and spend money to have a “good time.”

Anyway, time to finish creating my sims story and then time for bed.

Bleh…this past week has been nothing short of a disaster. And I don’t feel all that well now…

Sigh… Wednesday I was starting to feel sick and decided to just hasten the process by going for a run and studying ’til the wee hours of the morning. By Friday, I was in full sickness mode and went to Urgent Care at my mother’s nagging request. Of course, I’m driving in a fog of my own head and was pulled over by a cop who just stepped out in the middle of the lane and pointed to the car ahead of me, me, and the car behind me. Ridiculous. I’ve decided to contest the damn thing, since there’s no way, he could get all three of us at the same time. Maybe I’ll have some luck thrown my way and the cop won’t show. He was so close to being run over, it’s amazing. Sickness plus PMS; never a good mix. Now, my voice has dropped a good eight octaves and seems like it’ll never get back to normal. This cough and whatever looks like it’ll never go away or get any better. However, there was the “success” at Urgent Care. After sitting in the waiting room for close to an hour or so, maybe it was less, I can’t really remember since I was reading Death Be Not Proud and trying not to burst into tears as Little Johnny walked down the aisle to get his diploma, (God, it’s sad), I get into a room. I see a nurse for less than five minutes, and a doctor for less than one. The doctor looks at my throat and my ears and tells me he thinks it’s some kind of viral infection, then proceeds to prescribe an allergy medicine. Such bull. I didn’t even want to go in the first place, I got a ticket in the process and didn’t get anything out of it. Bah!

So, now I’ll retreat with my new deep voice to The Simpsons and The Sims, hoping that tomorrow will bring a better day, or at least show some promise.