Dorienne's Log

…..

So yeah, fertility drugs….
…the more we talked about it, the angrier I became. The more I could not help thinking, “what selfish bastard would do such a thing.” I mean honestly, let’s think about this clearly. If fertility drugs are what is necessary for you, God has clearly not intended for you to give birth. I think people are having children for all the wrong reasons and this results in a lot of kids growing up “spoiled” and unloved. If one says that she wants to take drugs to get increase her chances of getting pregnant so that she can have someone to love and raise, then she’s a damn liar. How many millions of children are out there in this world in need of someone to love and raise them? How many children are isolated from other people living, literally, in cages or simply in their beds because there is no one available to hold them or truly care for them? If someone told me they went through fertility treatment just to have someone to love, I’d probably slap them in the face. They don’t want someone to love! They are just vain and want a little version of themselves running around loose. Knowing what I know now about those drugs, I can’t imagine any true Christian woman going through with it. The idea of what might happen with an undesirable result is just too much. How could someone live with themselves after it? How could you live on saying, “I wanted to be blessed with a child of my own so much that I was willing to give up on some if an undesired number developed?” It makes me want to burst into tears.

Why don’t people adopt more often? As of today, right this moment, were I in a place where I was deciding if I could have kids…..if I learned that I could not, I would be on an adoption waiting list the moment I learned of my misfortune. I don’t generally like children, mostly because most of those I know are ridiculous brats, but I could not imagine not loving any kids in my own house. If I decided that having kids was what I wanted and was ready for, providing that God did not decide for me, regardless if I was ready, and I could not bear my own kids, I’m not saying that I wouldn’t be heartbroken. Half the fun of my family is seeing the craziness form from generation to generation, but the thought of taking in a child in need would surpass that sadness quickly.

I think adopting a child is among the most noble and awe-inspiring things anyone could ever hope to accomplish. To take in someone else’s child so that that child can live in a loving, happy environment…..the very idea of it makes me smile. Maybe I’m just too young to understand, though I can’t imagine that being the case. Maybe I just see everything in terms of black and white far too often. Maybe I just have too much love to give. I love all the kids I used to take care of when I was younger. I would love the opportunity to raise a child, any child; just to have someone who would depend on me as they grew into an adult; to influence the entire life of another person….it seems almost magical.

I think, nowadays especially, life has become too precious to me, if that is even possible. When I think about how often the use of fertility drugs is mentioned in day to day society, it makes me realize how few people actually know the truth about them. What troubles me more, is how many people actually go through with it, knowing what the outcome could be. I think anyone who is too selfish and vain to use other avenues such as adoption as a means for having a child, has a very dark, cold future ahead of them; at least until they can successful explain to Jesus, why they thought it best to kill off some of their own children, rather than shower their love upon a child already here and in need of help.

Actually, it’s not, but it does feel that way for some odd reason. The quarter is over and finals have begun. I’m going to study tonight and much of tomorrow. I’ll probably stay up all night for the 730 one. Why in God’s name would someone find appropriate to have a final or ANY class for that matter at 730 in the morning? It’s obscene! The world would be a better place if the “day” started around ten or 11. Oh well….

The stupid network for the stupid website is down…again. I suppose I got what I have paid for, but it still doesn’t make it any better. And my stupid computer mouse is dying again. The damn thing just eats batteries. That’s ridiculous!

I’ve spent much of today finding new ways of circumventing the proverbial “man.” I’d decided I wanted to create my own background for a page on the X-Files site and that it should contain that classic X. Upon checking the “X-Files” font I had saved on my computer, I realized that the X was nothing like the classic one and the more I looked at the font in comparison to what was on the show, I realized they looked nothing alike! Off I went, searching like a devil, trying to find an adequate X-Files font, when finally I discovered it: Trixie! Trixie, the name of this wonderful font! I shouted with glee, thankful that I’d finally found the needed font. However, glee quickly to turned to confusion which in turn became rage. Trixie, apparently, is some special font that cannot simply be downloaded and used like any normal font, oh no! Trixie was a deluxe font that must be purchased and then downloaded! Of all the impertinent flim flams in this world! How could anyone charge not 10 dollars, not 20 dollars, but 65 dollars!!!! for a font that should my computer decide it’s had enough and just dies, my 65-dollar font will go down in flames with it? The idea of it was laughable and I would have done so if I wasn’t paralyzed with rage. And thus, my day-long crusade began. What I do find interesting is that the holders of this 65-dollar font would display crystal clear images of each character of said font, and display it in such a format that would allow easy downloading. I suppose the sellers could not possibly imagine someone taking the time to download each image separately, download a free program which will take said images and turn them into a perfect Windows and Mac-enabled font, and go through the painstaking process of creating a new font from the downloaded images, all out of principle and spite…

All that’s left now is to size my new and improved Trixe font properly and I will have saved myself 65 dollars. True the better part of a day has been spent to this crusade, but good things come to the patient and the willful. Anyone, could have pulled out a credit card and pushed a few buttons to acquire this grail, but only someone who could continuously grind her teeth saying, “It’s the principle of the thing!” would be able to screw over those who feel that charging 65 dollars for something that could be easily recreated is anything but reprehensible, by offering said item for free on her website.

**changing the world, one minor injustice at a time**

Bleh…this past week has been nothing short of a disaster. And I don’t feel all that well now…

Sigh… Wednesday I was starting to feel sick and decided to just hasten the process by going for a run and studying ’til the wee hours of the morning. By Friday, I was in full sickness mode and went to Urgent Care at my mother’s nagging request. Of course, I’m driving in a fog of my own head and was pulled over by a cop who just stepped out in the middle of the lane and pointed to the car ahead of me, me, and the car behind me. Ridiculous. I’ve decided to contest the damn thing, since there’s no way, he could get all three of us at the same time. Maybe I’ll have some luck thrown my way and the cop won’t show. He was so close to being run over, it’s amazing. Sickness plus PMS; never a good mix. Now, my voice has dropped a good eight octaves and seems like it’ll never get back to normal. This cough and whatever looks like it’ll never go away or get any better. However, there was the “success” at Urgent Care. After sitting in the waiting room for close to an hour or so, maybe it was less, I can’t really remember since I was reading Death Be Not Proud and trying not to burst into tears as Little Johnny walked down the aisle to get his diploma, (God, it’s sad), I get into a room. I see a nurse for less than five minutes, and a doctor for less than one. The doctor looks at my throat and my ears and tells me he thinks it’s some kind of viral infection, then proceeds to prescribe an allergy medicine. Such bull. I didn’t even want to go in the first place, I got a ticket in the process and didn’t get anything out of it. Bah!

So, now I’ll retreat with my new deep voice to The Simpsons and The Sims, hoping that tomorrow will bring a better day, or at least show some promise.

This past week has been so ridiculously busy, I haven’t had the time to even think straight.

First, American Idol, then EGB, then class and then whatever else

So, Mandisa got kicked off of American Idol. WTF?!?!?! She had a standing ovation when she was standing there in front of everyone. It’s just so damn ridiculous, I can’t stand it. She was THE best one. Though, I’m certain she never would have one the title itself, she definitely should have been in the top five! But anyways….

So, I’ve been interrupted for the past two hours to deal with another EGB thing. I hate when people don’t say what they mean. I hate when people are weak and simply cannot stand their ground. I hate when people allow themselves to be badgered into actions they know are wrong. I hate that everyone insists on making all issues grey when they are clearly black and white. I hate that people make such a big deal out bullshit that will not be remembered in three years. What is wrong with the rest of the world that only I can see the world as it truly is? Anyways, fuck ’em all….

I forgot what I had to say about class…oh well, couldn’t have been all that important.

I don’t understand why people allow themselves to change for the worst. Why don’t people take the chance to look back on their lives every so often and grade how they have changed in a positive or negative light? I do it all the time, and feel like even if I’ve changed for the worst, at least I recognize the problem and can do things in attempts to rectify the situation. What is wrong with the world?!?

Why do I allow other people’s problems to become my own? Why do I always feel like “Your fight is my fight” all the time, when sometimes, often, I really don’t care.

I’m so disappointed in him right now, I don’t know what to do. “Drop the violation.” What are you crazy? Do you really think she’s taken complete leave of her senses or that ANYONE at this stage in the game would allow her to even consider that? Jesus Christ, it’s insanity! And now, bringing ‘ole Dad in to save the day just completes the nonsense. How could anyone ever think that this appropriate? It’s fucking Undergraduate Student Government! Every year it changes, and every year less than a quarter of the university even gives a damn. Oh, how I wish I were part of that damn seventy-five percent! It’s just ludicrous to me that anyone could feel that this is so important that it warrants suspending actions in the REAL fucking WORLD to do. How about a duty to the state and it’s citizens? Obviously that doesn’t matter at all. I’m so happy that our electoral process is such that this nonsense of a man can remain a judge.

As for all the people who “hate” her now, fuck them too! Honestly, if you are too ignorant or just don’t care enough to participate in all the functions of your own damn campaign, how the hell is anyone suppose to assume that you will function on Senate? And by the way, again, three years from now, NO ONE WILL CARE! God!

I cannot stand the argument that “oh, we didn’t know what they were doing.” Who the hell cares? Ignorance does not absolve you from responsibility! Period!!

What irritates me most of all is that I’ve never been one to forgive and forget. I’ll never truly forgive her just leaving for a terrorist nation and lying about. I’ll never forgive Kay who ridiculed me in the fourth grade. I’ll never forgive Emily for assuming that I wasn’t as intelligent as she in the third grade. The list goes on and on. And while I know that they will move on, and forgive and love each other forever and whatever, I know that I’ll never be able to forgive such nonsensical behaviour. I know that if something that infuriated me when I was a child has the same effect thirteen years later, it does not matter how much times goes by, this situation will ALWAYS be in the back of my mind, until the end.

Sigh….onto other irritating things….

So, this girl….I don’t know what irritates me more, her or her fricken family that allows her to be this way. I want to feel sorry for her, but I’m making every attempt not to be. She has everything and has been raised in fricken luxury and will probably never be normal. I have to recognize that I’ll never be able to change that….but I can’t help but want to do so. I want to help and that’s the problem. I want to be the one to knock some sense into her, literally if need be. Why am cursed with compassion at inopportune times?

I spent so much money today, but I cannot even begin to feel bad about it. It’s not like I spent it all in one lump sum that’ll have to be paid at the end of the month or sooner. God bless the Macy’s card and the Coach store in said store. That damn bag makes me so happy, I could cry. I tried to make it out of the store without buying anything unnecessary, but I was sucked in by perfect marketing. When performed so well, I cannot help but stand in vapid admiration and allow them to bring up my card number again and again. I only spent about three hundred dollars total in Macy’s and considering I was about to buy one bag for more than that, I think I made off well. I did not like, however, looking the way I did as I shopped. I should have been “dressed,” and yet I was not and so felt less than I should have. I also did not like having to drive off in my POS car after having spent so much money on bags and shoes and sunglasses and such.

I saw someone from my high school in the store and I fled. I did not want to see her and it did not even have to do with the whole weight thing. I told myself a while ago, I wanted to cut off relationships with everyone from my high school, and this was the first time, I’d actually acted in conjunction with this wish. I did not seek her out to say the stupid, “hey did you go to North?” nonsense. It’s been four years and it’s past time for me to stop remembering those I should not.

Weight. It’s been going up and up and it does not appear to be climaxing at any time soon. Yesterday, I went for a long run/walk thing; I worked out for 2 miles at least. I bought new running shoes and two new sport bras, just to make it that much easier for me to do what is necessary. I’ve also decided that the only way I’ll be able to stay on a somewhat “steady” diet is to become a part-time vegan. On days that I work out, I must eat vegan and consume no artificial sugars; no splenda or aspartame, basically no soda or Crystal Light or juice or whatever. I don’t know what this will do, but at least I can keep myself out of hunger for a few days while staying true to a diet. I’ve just got to lose this weight. I’ve got really about fifty pounds to lose. Just thinking about it makes me kind of dizzy and nauseous.

Oh Jesus. Someone from high school has just IMed me….

Okay, so we’re going to do the stupid chit-chat thing for a while, until one of us stops responding and that’s the end….

And he’s here again….if they’re having his friends over here again, I’m putting my foot down….on his chest. I’m tired of having his friends over here. It’s not my fault that he’s a 23 year old who lives with his parents. Get a decent job and move out of your parent’s place! Then, you all can laugh stupidly at ignorant jokes and drink all the Guiness and Rolling Rock you want all the fricken day long….at your own house! It’s not even the fact that’s he’s here all the time, but the fact that he brings his friends over here; that’s the problem. We, as in those who are on the lease, are not friends with any of his friends! That constitutes a major problem! And so help me God, if she doesn’t give up the parking pass tomorrow….there may actually be bloodshed.

Sigh….

I’m going to finish eating my pizza (haha!) and drinking my soda (haha, again) and play the game I bought today during my shopping spree. I shall see how tomorrow goes. Will there be fun in the cards or will there be drama? Only time shall tell.

First, I fucking hate people. What is wrong with people that makes it so no one can just say what they mean? I have never NOT been straight with people. If I didn’t want to go out, I’ll just say, I don’t want to go out. No hard feelings, I just don’t want to. Rather than put a drag on everyone else’s evening, I’ll just stay at home when I don’t fucking feel like dealing with people. I have never just gone out to go out and then be bitchy all night because I didn’t really want to go in the first place. A prime example of a bullshit thing that I’ve never done, because I seen no reason to not be straight with people. In the end, you piss off more people by keeping things to yourself than you will by initially be up front about things.

If she didn’t want to go on vacation with us, she just should have fucking said it, so we could have made our plans and been on our way. But no! She’s going to dick around and not give a straight answer for weeks and weeks and then go off with her boyfriend for a week. Like that shit didn’t take forever to plan. Like she couldn’t have said, “Look, girls, I’m going off with him for Spring Break. You guys can do what you like.” It would have been fucking fine! We could have shared pictures or whatever when we all got back. But no! She wants to dick around and not say a fucking thing, and make us all have the lousiest break ever. God, I just can’t fucking stand people. The world would be such a better place if people just quit worrying about hurt feelings or some other bullshit and say what they mean. If she had just said that she didn’t want to go with us, yes, I would have been slightly angry for a bit, but then the whole episode would pass and everything would be fine. Now, I’m angrier than I’ve ever been in a really long time. Bringing home fucking Michigan seashells! Like that’s going to make up for fucking dicking around for weeks and weeks about going on vacation. It’s shit like this that makes people kill one another. It’s mental states like this, like the one I’m in now, that cause people to be acquitted for murder by reasons of mental default or whatever. So fucking angry!

I can’t even remember what I had for a second or a third. Fucking seashells! Goddamn, I hate people! Like I need this stress going into a new quarter….

I just need to calm down….I’ve got the relaxing music playing and I’ve fixed my laptop, to some degree. At least I know it’s problems stemmed from overheating and not some random virus or something.

There are times when I wish I had a gun. Sometimes, it might be nice to go off and shoot the hell out of something for a bit and then come home and relaxing, having already gotten out my frustration. Other times, I know that there would be times like these and I know I’d be writing this as a sworn statement or reliving these moments while being judged by a panel of twelve “peers.”

Deep breaths now….

I saw Inside Job tonight and I liked it. There’s nothing better than seeing one’s two favorite actors on screen together at the same time and do it so well. I thought it was brilliant, but I think anything that either of them do is brilliant, so I know my own opinion doesn’t amount to much.

….

Feeling slightly better; a little more calm, now. I think I’ll play The Sims for a while, then clean my room and gather my things for tomorrow’s classes. I suppose I could attempt to see this quarter off on the right foot.

Today, I am simply sick of the world and everyone in it….

Honestly, if I did not fear my death and the possibility of a Hell, I would start taking people out by groups of ten. Anyone and everyone who pissed me off, especially on a day like today, when everything has the potential to aggravate me. I want to sit somewhere rolled up in a ball and just cry until I run out of lachrymal fluid, but I don’t have a reason to do so and the thought of crying makes me feel weak in the long run, and I hate weakness, more in myself than in anyone else.

Life should simply be easier….I think Calvin & Hobbes best demonstrates this point and is the only thing to help ease my mood:

I hate malls. This fact must be known before I can truly rant any further, for without knowing that I hate malls, very little of what I have to say will make any sense. There is just something about Americans getting together in long walks of land, all with the sole purpose of spending money. Malls are different from say, grocery stores or simple markets. At a market, I can go inside, find what I need and be on my way. Malls, being simply so vast and crowded make it nearly impossible to find what is needed let alone, run in and out again quickly. They are designed to keep people inside, to ensure that even when one has had enough, one still has to maneuver through a labyrinth of “must-have” items simply to get to an exit. And, even if the exit has been successfully found, one is left only with a new plethora of shops, all begging for time and money. When I step into a mall, especially on a crowded Sunday, the onset of nausea is immediately felt. So many people….buying things….things they don’t need….digging through all of the sale racks….digging for hours on end….

Malls are especially irritable during the winter months because of the “coat-factor.” If one is wearing a coat designed to keep out winter’s elements, once inside a mall, the coat is no longer necessary. However, now exists the problem of what to do with said coat. Sure, it could be carried, but this said winter coat can become quite heavy over a course of time a short as 30 minutes and problem persists, with the added irritation that nothing was done about the coat when one first stepped into the mall. Some malls have coat checks for a small fee, but this option is simply not viable. Notwithstanding the fact that one’s coat may be set next to smoke chain-smoking hippie-type who might have picked up some new venereal disease while last wearing his or her coat, the problem remains of the implications of the coat check. Checking a coat denotes an ample amount of time will be spent in this mall. One is openly giving into the idea of wasting several hours of the day enclosed away from the rest of the world and spending money on wasteful items.

Middle class America constantly complains of not having it “all,” but it is the acceptance of local malls which complete the cycle. No, of course one cannot afford that new summer house on “the lake” if one spends thirty percent of one’s paycheck on nonsensical items like a brand-new wardrobe each season, or a newer plasma TV for the last room in the house that did not hold a television, or random CDs because said music is currently popular, but never will be again, or beefing up one’s DVD collection just for the sake of doing so, or spending hundreds of dollars on “special” bear that a child can “build” his or herself, or buying expensive chocolate which will end up in the exact same place as that two-dollar cheeseburger from the previous night, or paying money for commercial mass-produced art, especially when one’s house is already full of clutter…. More or less, I hate malls. They are the culmination of all things wrong with America: excess and greed.

Moving on, today I spent two hours in a wretched, overcrowded mall. I needed some new suits for upcoming interviews and apart from being thoroughly annoyed by the fact that the one suit for which I had fallen in love did not look right on me, not because of my weight, but simply that I am too short, I had what I like to refer to as an Agoraphobic Attack. All those people….digging through the 40% off racks….waiting impatiently in line at the fitting rooms….the rude Ethiopian sales woman pissing off each customer who came in path….all this waste; it felt simply overwhelming, in an angry, nauseated sort of way, and even though I was not footing the bill in this expenditure, the need to get out of the mall quickly outweighed my need for a “free” suit.

I have never understood the purpose of shopping just for the sake of shopping. In the back of my mind, I feel like a hypocrite since I have some 50 pairs of shoes, but all that can explained (in a later rant, of course). As for shopping, I have to ask why. Why? If one finds a suit that looks good and fits right and said suit costs $300, and one has $300, then buy the fricken suit! Why would someone waste precious moments of this life that is far too short anyway, digging through sale racks to find the best “deal.” If one does not have the money to spend, then don’t go shopping. It saves lives in the long run: no increased debt, no decrease of a credit score, no increase of crap that will eventually end up in some land fill, no decrease of manufacturer’s keeping their sites in this country and thus decreasing jobs available for Americans. By not spending just because one hasn’t got shit else to do, the world ends up being a happier place.

I am also annoyed by people in my house (who don’t pay a goddamn cent of rent) telling me how my house should be run, but that was just the proverbial icing on the cake, and I am sure the irritation in that direction was simply amplified by my having wasted some of the only time I have on this Earth buying stupid a suit.

Ah, Sundays….

things were kind of strange today, i’ve listened to something stupid and terrible, but it’s fine. i’m not about to get stressed about it, even though it’s terribly fucked up, but once again, i’m not going to be stressed about it.

whatever….

I managed to put up another post prior to the mandatory six month mark! Ha! I’ve done it….
Although I’ve nothing to report…that’s the trouble with blogs, I guess.
A woman I’ve felt was a type of surrogate grandmother for me is dying and will probably die within the next couple of days. It’s not fair; it makes me hate the world and everything in it. I’ve also just found out that one of my best friends has been lying straight to my face for months now. I know it doesn’t sound like a horrible thing, but….I just don’t like lying. I don’t do it, if I can help; I’ve got nothing to lie about! People also make me sick. What does it matter that I’ve watched Star Wars a whole slew of times? It’s not like I bring it up in everyday conversation. How could it possibly affect anyone else in the world; the fact that I like the third Star Wars movie? Ninety percent of that is solely Hayden Christensen. Yes, people definitely make me sick…