Dorienne's Log

Things have never looked so low in my life. I honestly think that if I weren’t truly putting everything in His hands right now, I’d be downing the remaining 800 Aleves in that bottle. It feels like things just could not get worse, but what’s funny is that I know it can. Relatively speaking, many people have bounced back from far worse than this. At least I have a game plan in place; at least I know what the next step is; at least I haven’t yet given up all hope. I could have to face all those problems in addition to my own. I’m trying to keep the faith; keep this idea that if I just leave to Jesus, everything will be all right, but sometimes, it’s just so hard….

Must type quickly….obsessions rising like crazy…I’ve listened to Lately, both by Stevie Wonder and Jodeci about 30 times a piece and all this happened in one night…there is an X-Men obsession growing and growing. I know this will probably go the way of my Star Wars obession, but this is awakening a very deep and very old obsession stemming back to before I even realized I had this problem. It was just the idea of reading up on Wolverine and Storm…I got that excitement that only comes with a new obession. It is only because I’ve just watched the last X-Men movie and that is always the stem of this sort of thing….

Okay, for some reason this damn keyboard has decided that it does not want to continue typing properly, so I will end…

There’s always stuff, so much stuff to do (God, I’m hungry). I have to clean and do laundry and write my paper and this and that and the fricken list goes on forever. Now, it feels like there’s no way I can procrastinate; I think I haven’t the motivation to procrastinate. I have hit an all-time low.What can I do? People still piss me off; everyday I feel like I would be so much happier if I did not have anyone at all in my life. I cannot accomplish any of my goals.

Maybe I have too many? Maybe I’m just trying to aim too high? Eyes bigger than my stomach, and so on (I really wish I had cake).

Time to write, something, anything. I just need to start something. I’ve got nothing really to say, I just feel the depression coming and it makes it so difficult to breathe…

So here is a question I pose to myself: If a young student says to another young student that she has joined her church and has obviously making some changes in her life, why would this second student look upon the first and say, “Well, you can skip church?” It’s as if this second student doesn’t give a damn about what the first is attempting to do with her life.

Sigh….

So, we were supposed to have a party this weekend. I don’t know how it went and have no desire to know. Here is another question I pose to myself: If one is throwing a party and has invited some 40 or 50 people to this party, why on Earth would one think that five cases of alcohol would be adequate for this party? It is this sublime stupidity that makes me lose faith in the human race.
The only way I can think of this in a somewhat positive light is that this event has reaffirmed an idea upon which I was about to renege. I now know what is best for me and certain parties and I now have both the knowledge and the strength to do what is right. Without this weekend’s events, I would have most definitely fallen into old habits which would have doomed me in the end.

Sigh….

I just wish I had more time in my life. Maybe I should stop sleeping for a while, just to add a little more time in my day. There are so many things I want to do and need to do and some things are always trumped by others….I just don’t want to wake up 40ish and realized I’ve never accomplished any of the things I’ve set out to do with my life.

Sigh….

Time for Simpsons and the hope that my food I ordered will be coming within the next ten minutes, then of course this paper I’ve neglected for several weeks and then studying for tomorrow’s Micro quiz since I’ve missed all the others, and then troubleshooting my laptop’s many grievous issues, then discovering the many wonders of Flash MX and flash video creation and updating my websites, then reading the several books I want to read, then writing the several books I’m attempting to write, then cleaning and laundry and organizing my Law and Order tapes and creating some new movies from DVDs and then…..

I joined the church today. I had been preparing myself to do it without tears during most of the sermon, but I took one look at my mother’s sobbing face and I was done. I am simply too emotional. It took Grandma’s sigh after asking me whether or not I had joined the church to make me do it. Once I started thinking about it, I realized I really did not have a reason to keep making excuses of why not to join. Every time I would attend, I would make up some kind of excuse to keep me from approaching when I truly felt this need within me to go up during the call to join. Each time I went to church and we got to that part of the service, I always felt this tension.

What was holding me back? I could get crazy by saying it was the devil, but of course I won’t given that sometimes I question “his” existence. Talking with my mother on the car ride home, I realized there is just so much that I don’t understand about religion. There’s no reason for me not to just join that which I innately believe.

There was a point when I thought that maybe I wouldn’t join, “not this week,” I said to myself, but there was this point during the service….everyone was laughing and I felt good in church, for once. I actually said to myself, “I love church.” It came out so easy and natural. It was then I knew I really had no other excuse except a sense of late teen/early twenties rebellion, and I’ve been saying I’m past all my peers and all of that in itself.

Oh well….

I actually want to go to church next week, but what gets me is superstition. My family has always had this superstition about how one begins the new year, meaning where one is during when the new year approaches, is how one will live the entire year. I rang in the new year in church and now I’ve gone and joined the church. It wasn’t intentional and it wasn’t until after I’d joined that the thought occurred to me.

All I’ve got to say is “how interesting.”

I’ve been wataching The Simpsons for almost seven days straight and I’ve realized what an incredible show it is. There really hasn’t been a dip in quality whatsoever; kind of interesting that way.

I wish I had the initiative to write something a little more interesting. I want to write, but I also just want sit here and play The Sims…..

Barely the energy to type…..

It’s Cinco de Mayo. Yay….

I’m going to see a step show and that’ll be the end of it for me….

….Went to exhaustively long step show….

I can’t believe the Omegas didn’t even have a team. The last time I went, they were pretty bad in comparison to the rest, but the Deltas had to step up for them. I don’t understand why Omegas are so weak here…

I’m staying in tonight, obviously, and I really don’t mind it. It’s strange: being “alone” when I’m out with other people, makes me feel far more lonely than when I’m just alone and by myself. I think the idea that I am alone is paraded in front of me when I go out with all of them and it makes me feel bad about myself, and honestly, who needs that? There are plenty of things around the house to make me feel bad about myself, without having to go out and spend money to have a “good time.”

Anyway, time to finish creating my sims story and then time for bed.

Bleh…this past week has been nothing short of a disaster. And I don’t feel all that well now…

Sigh… Wednesday I was starting to feel sick and decided to just hasten the process by going for a run and studying ’til the wee hours of the morning. By Friday, I was in full sickness mode and went to Urgent Care at my mother’s nagging request. Of course, I’m driving in a fog of my own head and was pulled over by a cop who just stepped out in the middle of the lane and pointed to the car ahead of me, me, and the car behind me. Ridiculous. I’ve decided to contest the damn thing, since there’s no way, he could get all three of us at the same time. Maybe I’ll have some luck thrown my way and the cop won’t show. He was so close to being run over, it’s amazing. Sickness plus PMS; never a good mix. Now, my voice has dropped a good eight octaves and seems like it’ll never get back to normal. This cough and whatever looks like it’ll never go away or get any better. However, there was the “success” at Urgent Care. After sitting in the waiting room for close to an hour or so, maybe it was less, I can’t really remember since I was reading Death Be Not Proud and trying not to burst into tears as Little Johnny walked down the aisle to get his diploma, (God, it’s sad), I get into a room. I see a nurse for less than five minutes, and a doctor for less than one. The doctor looks at my throat and my ears and tells me he thinks it’s some kind of viral infection, then proceeds to prescribe an allergy medicine. Such bull. I didn’t even want to go in the first place, I got a ticket in the process and didn’t get anything out of it. Bah!

So, now I’ll retreat with my new deep voice to The Simpsons and The Sims, hoping that tomorrow will bring a better day, or at least show some promise.

I’ve found a spider on my window and now I am fearful of approaching the area surrounding the window. The bug people are coming today; maybe they can take care of some of the problem as they spray for bees.

I’ve been doing a lot of work my The X-Files site and thus learning info on Ms. Anderson and such, and it’s got me thinking about how much I hate Hollywood. This of course, follows the knowledge of Hollywood making a film about September 11th. Rage actually flows through my veins when I think about the audacity of these people. How dare they think after less than five years it even remotely appropriate to show a film about the tragedy? I hope it bombs harder than the US over Iraq. My hope is that anyone who has anything to do with that film, never works in any venue ever again. May they all fester in unemployment lines and die of starvation thereafter. The very idea of it is nauseating. As if Michael Moore was not bad enough, now we have Hollywood jumping on the September 11th romanticism band-wagon. I just can’t stand it.

I was about to join a Facebook group about hating people, when I realized that it took a lot of nerve to join any hate group, even if it was all about hating the stupid. Hate is something to be written and put away so that it does not come to light and delve the world deeper into its own madness. Joining a group about hating people makes me hate the people who were on the damn thing.

I’ve got to start studying more. I’ve wasted forty dollars on the newest Sims 2 expansion and really it was not worth it. I’ve no desire to use the new features; it hasn’t added anything to the game. Why do I allow myself to wallow in my own damn stupidity?

I woke up today certain I was dying; no one’s throat could hurt that much and yet there be nothing terminally wrong. Of course, it was only my amygdala going crazy, but that’s why it’s there…

I finished the Daria project, but there are so many things that need to be done that I know I am just going to curl up and let them grow to the point where everything blows up in my face. That’s been the way of my world for the past decade anyhow.

Sometimes, I wish that no one at all cared about me. That way I would never have anyone to disappoint, but myself. Why does everything have to be so important and build on everything else? What if I don’t want to be a leader? What if I just want to sit a room away from the world until the end? What is really wrong with that? I’m beginning to cherish the days when I could go for hours and hours without saying a word to anyone else. When, at the end of the day, I can count on one hand, the number of people with whom I’ve conversed, it feels like a good day. It probably shouldn’t, and when I’m old and grey, I’ll probably regret having “wasted” all this time, but for now, it feels good.

Time to begin a new project, and maybe begin those that really matter as well.