Dorienne's Log

Not much has happened in the past week: my step-brother got married, and that was kind of nice, especially since they have two kids together, but the fact is they did get married. The reception was nice though because I got to spend some time with my step-sibs and cousins and it’s always nice to hang out with a bunch of people my own age for a while. I had a little to drink at the reception, but between the ride home with my parents and the sobering conversation I later had with my mother, all was well for the drive home.

Classes are wrapping up, but I feel no closer to achieving anything, so of course it’s time to set some deadlines/goals for myself.
1) Finish A Ten-Minute Speech by 26 September 2006
– this one is not important in the present, but it could mean the difference between doing what I want to do with my life and doing what I have to do just to make ends meet. Not to mention that this is way overdue. I first put pen(cil) to paper for this thing when I was eleven years old, and eleven years later I still don’t have it completed. NO book should take that long. I’ve “finished” it a couple of times, but it’s never truly been complete. It’s not just the act of completing the book by this deadline, it’s the act of completing something in total. I can’t remember the last time I actually successfully completed anything save for a sentence I was speaking. My birthday marks the beginning of my adult years, and if I can’t complete SOMETHING by the beginning of my adulthood, I might as well stop now. If I can’t finish this book, I have no business even pretending like I want to begin writing others.

2) Get an A in my 139 class.
– There’s no excuse for me not getting an A in this class, and at this point I think I simply need it for my psyche. It’s like, if I could just get the ball rolling, then everything would fall into place.

3) Lose ten pounds by my birthday.
– I’ve been trying to lose this weight since I started to gain and now that I’ve got nearly 100 lbs to get off of me, things are starting to look dire. I went shopping with my mother yesterday, I just looking at myself in the dressing room mirror, made me slightly naseous. I remember when not too long ago, I would have looked at someone who looked like me and giggled to myself wondering how anyone could ever let it get so bad. I guess I had never counted on depression weighing in on the subject. Get it, weighing in….Anyway, a month is MORE than enough time to drop ten pounds. It’s the same old, same old: eat right and exercise, but the when and where causes the issues.

4) No more McDonald’s breakfast. Period.
– If I’m ever going to make a dent in #3, this is a must. I must give up McDonald’s breakfast forever. Given that it was the only thing I ever ate there, I think I just have to go with edict that I just can’t eat at McDonald’s ever again. Probably not ever again, but at least until my birthday in ’07. There’s not nutritional value from it and really it’s not even that satisfying. Feeling the grease and fat from an Egg McMuffin or a hash brown, makes me feel my heart actually congealing. I don’t want to put myself in a position where I could have a heart attack 20-25 years before that should even be a concern. I can do better. I will do better. I guess this isn’t so much a quitting McDonald’s idea as a living a better, healthier life.

5) Read the Bible from Genesis to Revelation.
– I started this goal a few years ago, and got wholly bogged down by the pages and pages of “begets,” but I think that all Christians should read the whole thing from beginning to end (literally). Even if I don’t understand all of it, even if it does contradict itself, even if it inevitably makes me question my faith in the end, I’ve got until 26 September 2007 to get this goal accomplished. I’ve even got a Bible-reading guide. There’s no reason to get this one done.

…and the little things before the end of this year:
a) Finish my The X-Files website
b) Recode my Calvin and Hobbes website
c) Get an A in Ochem
d) Do Something Great

…time to go a-complishing.

I’ve been busy, naturally, and I honestly, I can barely remember anything signicant happening the past couple of weeks. Yesterday however fell just short of amazing.

I was sitting at my computer, trying desperately to make the lightbox on my church’s website work, when time simply caught up with me. I missed Sunday School, the first time since I had started going, and no one from the church had gotten back with me about when our young adult choir was supposed to meet and where I was supposed to go and everything….I guess it is worth mentioning that I did join the young adult choir the saturday before last. The choir director even gave me a special part to sing on my own….

Anyway, I’d made up my mind that I was just not going to sing and by that point, late for Sunday School had turned into late for church in general and I was feeling worse and worse. When I finally left for church, I was in a ridiculously foul mood and with no viable food in the house, I had to eat McDonald’s again and by the time I got to church I was ready to burst into tears. Nothing was wrong in particular, the day was just going horribly. I snuck in just before the choir was about to come in and basically kept my head down. I just felt angry and upset and in just a poor mood. When they started singing, however, I could feel my demeanor changing for the better and when it was time for the announcements, the choir director motioned for me to come up and join them. I was going to hesitate, but figured I’d go anyway. The look on my pastor’s face when I started to go up to the choir stands was priceless. The song with my little solo was already over, but I was happy to be up there singing with everyone else, regardless of the fact that I didn’t know the words. By the end of church, I was in such a good mood it was unbelievable. That much of a positive influence from two hours of church…..it’s still amazing to me. My good mood has been ongoing since I left the church yesterday. Perhaps it’s because I can’t seem to get our church songs out of my head, but nevertheless…..I don’t know…

My mother said to me while we were at dinner on Sunday that “something” knew that I was about to sing in the choir and didn’t want it to happen. I’m not one to always assume that the devil makes me feel negative. I am still under the belief that there’s enough straight negativity and evil in people without there being a need for some supreme evil being. I think it’s far more plausible that God was punishing me for my vanity and pride over a choir practice that surprised myself. Anyway, all that matters, is that now I feel good….for once.

That vanity thing though…sometimes it’s ridiculous. I wonder how someone like myself, who’s not overly pretty, can be so vain so often…

…and there goes my good mood.

I guess we got our apartment (woot!) and that’s pretty cool, regardless of the drama that it took to get it. I almost had to go to the rental office with the words “Attorney General” on my mouth, but thankfully everything turned out all right.

I’ve been doing some work on the church website, though my own lack of extreme knowledge about coding makes some things much longer to do. I have so much stuff I want to implement, but it just takes so much time to make it work.

Oh well…time to do work for this class all day and maybe later today I’ll have some time to do some real work on the stuff I want to do.

Also, I’m trying to implement my music just here, so I suppose we’ll see how this goes…

I’m still going strong right now. I’ve got my plans in place and we’ll see how this goes…

I’m still off fast food for the month. I’ve actually gone hungry instead of stopping at a Wendy’s or something, but I know it’s for the best. I caught myself wondering what I would be like at the end of the month. Will I be so accustomed to not eating fast food that I wouldn’t even notice when the end of the month came and perchance I could make it two months without any fast food? Doubtful, but there’s always the hope. I’m pretty sure I’ll be standing at Chipotle’s front door waiting for it to open on August 1st, but there’s still hope.

I’ve been finessing a lot of things lately, especially the code the websites I’m doing. One of the people on Coding Forums, brought up a good point to me as I was attempting to give advice to another. I know CSS and its basics, but I don’t know the theory behind it, so I end up with a lot of redundant information in my code. I get the style, just not the cascading part, but that will soon change.

I’m planning to start another blog, but the new one will be run completely by me since I’ve found the code to make a perfect blog under my own domain. It’ll probably be blog.doriennesmith.com, but I haven’t decided yet. It’ll be a lot on how the website is going and the “hows” behind a lot of my updates.

I’m taking a web class right now, I try as I might, I can’t resist the temptation to show off a bit. Hopefully, my instructor won’t mind that I used XHTML 1.0 instead of the crap code they suggest in the book. I mean I want to scream just looking at the code they are suggesting for their readers; especially since the book is no more than two years old. In fact….okay, the book was published in 2002, which brings up a whole new set of issues. Why on earth are we using a book that’s this old in the first place, especially when the class is on the internet and standards and such change every few years. I mean, honestly: the book is telling people to use uppercase letters and inline presentational code! For a class like this, all the textbooks should be less than a year old. Otherwise, the information is most likely ridiculously out of date by the time class starts. For that matter, I don’t see why a textbook is needed when the W3C is online all the time and holds free information for anyone who wants it; not to mention something simple like w3schools.

Speaking of being annoyed by this web class: we are forced to create our web project. (basically just a simple web page), using Geocities, which both “sucks and blows.” It is so irritating to go through all the work of creating beautiful code that validates using a Strict doctype and have to throw the whole thing in Geocities, which flays my code into some horrifying monster with its stupid and unvalidating side bar. Speaking of validation, I don’t know why I love, or am obsessed over having my code validate. It’s as if seeing the green “Passed Validation” page gives a bit of validation to my life….

Anyway, I always feel bad when I do work on my own website instead of making more progess on my church’s site. I think it’s just that there’s so much more to do for the church site. I mean I’m practically rebuilding the entire site. I’ve got the layouts already sketched out, but it’s matter of going through the daunting task of making my designs come to life in the code. Some things just are feasible from my inexperience, which means loads of time asking questions on Coding Forums and then waiting for answers, not mention all the new things that I need to create my “vision” for the site. (Sigh) There’s just so much to do, but one step at a time I suppose.

Last week looked like the end of my relationship with my mother. Honestly, it looked like we may never be on good terms again. That is, until I got a good look at what other people have to go through with their parents….It was only then that I realized how lucky I was to be in my situation, but have a clear, defined way out of it and with the support needed to keep me from failing. I’m just glad that Jesus helped me stay calm enough from going off the deep end and saying or doing things that could not be taken back later. I was so emotionally I had to revert back to the “Tweety Book,” my old handwritten journal, mostly because my language was getting slightly out of hand and there were things I need to write down that really are not meant for the internet. That’s something I think a lot of people don’t understand about the internet and blogs. EVERYONE can read them, and even if they’re are private, if someone wanted to, they could get to it still. I’ve never put anything on the internet that I didn’t want to be shown to the world. Pictures I would have problems explaining or truly personal moments don’t belong on the internet.

Anyhoo – It’s time to get ready for Sunday School. I haven’t been to Sunday School, literallly since I was seven years old, so this will be a sort of adventure in itself. We’ll see how it goes…

I had a conversation today with one of my coworkers about fertility drugs and abortion. I found out some very interesting things that I would have never known otherwise. I just find it fascinating that my views about life and God and souls has changed so much in less than a year. More on this later after work…….

There is someone I work that I simply cannot stand. It is bordering on hatred. This person has angered me so much in just two short weeks that I just don’t know how I’m going to make it this entire summer. And, what’s worst of all is there is no recourse. There’s no one to whom I can turn and say, “You know what? This person is a complete jerk!” I sat this morning, wondering how am I going to make it having to deal with this person everyday? Finally, I realized I needed a mantra to sing either to myself or out loud to calm me down. The first thing that came to mind was a little diddy I used to hear in cartoons all the time, sung by Southern characters, but that didn’t sit right with me. It was kind of like a slower version of that “Ole, Ole” song. Anyway, it didn’t fit. Then, it occurred to me. The song that’s song as we accept our choir! Ureka! It’s positive, it’s uplifting and I can just sing it when people just plain make me mad. Now, to see if tomorrow’s shift goes better with this song in mind…

I was telling one of my roommates about this past Sunday’s church service and I began to feel strained. I was yearning to ask her to come to a service, since the words of pastor about when was the last time any of our congregation asked a ‘white brother or sister’ to our service were still fresh in my head, but I did not. I already knew the answer, but I felt strained, compelled almost to ask anyway, most likely because it was the right thing to do, but still….

There is a part of me that feels like all this is maybe happening too fast, that if I were to even suggest that she come to church with me, that it would seem fake. Why? It’s not; it shouldn’t be. I am not doing this for anyone, and yet the idea of becoming a witness feels fake. It’s times like these that I wish I knew my Bible better. Maybe then, I could find something, read something that would make me feel better.

For that matter, I would simply like to find the Bible my grandmother gave to me so many years ago. It had sat, unused and unloved for ages, and now that I truly need and want it, I cannot find it. I’ve been bringing the Precious Moments Bible given to me when I was in Sunday school when I was about seven at Mt. Olivet. It’s the New King James Version and I feel like I’m old enough to have a ‘normal’ Bible. I’ve searched my room, my car, all through my room at my mother’s house, where I discovered that I’d done something with the Women’s Bible my father had given me ages ago too.

This has just now got me thinking….what have I been doing these past few years? What was going through my mind that I might have tossed out that Women’s Bible in some random haste to remove clutter? I would never have considered tossing one of my ‘precious’ The X-Files tapes, even though I never watch them and they are probably in need of being tossed. However, when it came to a Bible given to me from my father, I was only too quick, I guess, to give it away or throw it away or whatever.

I think that if I could just find the Bible my grandmother gave me, I’d feel better. Even if I didn’t know where to go to find something helpful, at least I would have SOME source to which I could refer.

I just now remembered I post I had made a year and a half ago in another blog (http://kaitco.blogspot.com/):

Friday, October 29, 2004

Pepsi’s log…

Two weeks ago, after finishing a 12-pack of Pepsi in less than five days and realizing just how much sugar I’d consumed in that time, I decided that my addiction had taken a new hold and it was time for a change. Thus, I began the “no-Pepsi” era of my life and I’ll see if this lasts at least until December….

So, tonight while watching an ER re-run, I was suddenly overrun by the urge to drink my third Pepsi of the day. Mind you, I’ve already had a breakdown in the “no-Pepsi” era of my life, by having two today and there I was craving a third. I tried to not think about, I drank water, I had a push-up pop, and yet the craving raged on. And then I looked to the small green Bible given to me by the creepy little man handing out Bibles on campus the other day for solace in my Pepsi temptation. I don’t know what I was expecting exactly, but to no surprise, I got nothing from reading passages on temptation in the Bible. After agonizing over the thought that I will never get back those five minutes I spent reading that damn Bible, the urge subsided and I’m happy to say, I’m back on track, so to speak. But then again I do wonder…..Perhaps reading that little Bible did work. Hmm……

I think I’ve been so caught up in the meaningless dribble of pretending that all those who turned to their Bibles when in times of trouble were stupid and ignorant of how the world worked, that I let myself be devoured by my own misery. I look at the words I’d written so long ago and I can see it. He had been calling and I simply chose to ignore it. Of all the things I’ve undertaken (if that’s proper English, and I know it’s not) in my life, this feels the best of all, mostly because I know that there’s no need to find another ‘obsession’ and that this one will not let me down. It was like during Freshman year when I’d lost my cross: I had been telling myself that I was technically not a Christian, but wore my cross all the time. Why? Because deep down in my heart, I knew that I could not live without feeling that Jesus, God if you will, was not by my side. When I lost my cross, everything in my life seemed to be going down in flames. I cried all the time, simply wallowing in my own despair. Nothing seemed like it was going right. When I got a new one, the world seemed brighter, birds were singing, children laughing….everything was right again. Last year, I lost my cross again, but depression did not follow. Why? Perhaps because I was already beginning this process, this journey, and I knew that I had nothing to fear.

I have to leave now, but I reminiscing just now has got me remembering the absolute hatred I had for a girl I knew while still in the dorms. I think I’ve come to that point in my life where I am strong enough to actually admit that half the reason I could not stand the sight of her was because she was keen on Jesus and happy all the time because of it. I was jealous that I did not have that same love in my heart. Mind you, this girl said and did MANY things that prove that she did not truly ‘believe’ as much as she wanted people to think she did, but at least now I’ve come to terms with all of that…

I think I feel fake when I try to be a witness because of all the people I know who are ‘witnesses’ everyday, but really are not. They say PTL – Praise the Lord – to everyone they know, but put down people when they are high and never have respect for those who think differently than they. They attend church every Sunday, carry a Bible in their cars, but sleep around with two, three, and even four different people at one time, without a second thought. I see them and see that they are false, and I can’t help thinking that if I open my mouth, I will seem just as false. I suppose I can only try to be the best Christian that I can be and pray that Jesus help all those who proclaim they love Him and His word without really meaning it; all those who say they believe in the Word, but hate those who are not Christians, or do not look or speak like they do; all those who say they believe without ever once asking themselves if they truly believe it….

At least on Xanga, I’m not afraid to say, “I love Jesus.”

….it kind of brings a tear to my eye.

I’ve always heard some sayings along the lines of “it’s the little things that make life worth living” but I’ve never truly given it much thought until recently. Twice yesterday, I was able to rise from deep sleep to accomplish necessary errands – Church and later work. Had I set and alarm for either event? Well, yes and no: I set an alarm for the last possible moment for church, but I was awakened a good hour and a half before my alarm and I simply went through the mechanics of preparing myself for the rest of the day without even realizing that I’d “underslept.”

Why was I able to wake up long before I had wanted? My subconscience knew that I needed more time than I had allowed myself and woke me…I know it was my subconscience, but I relish in the idea, fact if you will, that Jesus woke me to do what I already knew was right. And to my benefit at that: during service, my pastor informed me, well all of us, of something that I had no previous knowledge.

Christ actually went into Hell for three days before ascending onward to Heaven. I won’t get into the specific chapters and verses and such, but simply the idea of it, the fact if you will, eased many of my issues with truly believing that Jesus was the son of God. It had long been told to me that the only way to get to Heaven was through Jesus, and of course my logical mind had asked the question, “well, what about all the people who had died before Jesus had come upon the earth? Were they simply doomed to Hell?” I learned yesterday, that all those who had come before Jesus, had indeed gone to Hell and Jesus went into Hell so that they might receive Him and thus go to Heaven.

As I sat listening and learning this new information, I couldn’t helping thinking how logical Christianity now seemed to me. God so loved the world et cetera, meant that all His souls, His creations, were being sent to Hell because they were imperfect and because they sinned just as Adam and Eve did. God sent a part of Himself, His son if you will, to the earth, so that all those who believed in Him could come “home” to Heaven. The very thought of it makes me smile in a sort of relief. It makes sense to me now….well….more than it ever has. It makes it seem less illogical that a virgin could give birth two thousand years ago. Most of all, it takes so much of the burden of being both a scientist and a Christian away from my shoulders. When all the facts are considered, not saying that I have all of the facts, but more than I’ve ever had, rationally, I cannot think that Christianity is a farce, a fable or fiction. Yesterday was the first time in a very long time that I actually felt saved and happy that I was such. I know dark times are coming for me, but I cannot feel despair. How can I when I know as long as I stay to His path, I will be all right?

I have one more trial before I know that I have been, indeed, born again into Christianity – becoming a witness. It’s hard, so very hard. So many people know me as I was, and I they still perceive me. I say that I’ve joined my church, but no one seems to look at it as anything significant. I don’t feel like I could extend my hand, asking my friends to come join each Sunday morning, because I already know how loud their laughter would be. I’ll have to come to terms with this….one thing at a time, though….

My mind is becoming fuzzy and it’s getting difficult to focus on coherent thought, it is time to stop. There’s always so much more to say though: I’ve started new poems and new stories; success at work; hope for school; my website’s leaps and bounds; things that piss me off that don’t so much anymore since I’ve re-discovered Christ; my reformed addiction to caffeine….

It’s always nice to have a brand new obsession, my new one being X-Men. I’ve already made plans to create a dedication website. I simply cannot stop watching….the episodes are running on Play-All and I can’t even get up for long enough to do anything while watching television. It supersedes my Sims….it’s wonderful! I can’t get enough of the story lines and the fact that I’ve realized what is wrong with today’s kids: they are all idiots because the cartoons they watch never contain anything resembling a plot. The show has the most incredible on-going story line and makes me want to get into comic book collecting, but that is for another day…

When I was fifteen, fourteen for the first time really, I had surgery on both of my feet. Both times were among the worst experiences of my life. With an MRI coming in my near future, that feeling that I get every time I near Grant Hospital, is appearing once more.

Why is there something always wrong? Nothing can just be fine. Everything must be complicated….I am trying to remain positive because I know there is some kind of lesson to be learned here, but I have no idea what it could be. I can’t wait for what other lessons lie in wait for me.