Category: On Me


Monday

January 10th, 2007 — 2:03am

Yesterday, well, I guess two days ago, was such a great day for me. First, I got a job! Woot! A half-way decent job that I know I can do with steady pay and reasonably stable hours. Then, I managed to switch around my classes to accommodate the training schedule and since I know what my hours will be, I can schedule my OSU classes accordingly. I thought briefly that I would not be able to, but everything worked out for the best. Oh, Jesus is great! The best part of the night was when I got to my eight o’clock class, the girl next to me says that she’s new in town, but doesn’t like it. So, I asked if her she had church home and then suggested Lincoln Park. I’m not sure if she’ll show or not, but I was excited just the same.
**Sigh** Ohio State lost, but since I really didn’t watch that much of the game, it doesn’t bother me all that much. I was on such a spiritual high on Monday that nothing could really phase me at the point. I don’t get too many days to smile and “woot” about, so when they come along, I smile and woot as much as God will let me.

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A brand new year

January 1st, 2007 — 11:40pm

I rang in the new year at church once again and once again, I’m happy I did. Last year, it was more a sense of desperation since I just could not imagine bringing in the new year in some random bar. This year, I could not wait to go to our church’s Watch Night service. It was fun and even though I had to sing while on the crutches, I really enjoyed myself.

I spent the majority of yesterday watching the SVU marathon on USA, while today was a mix of a Twilight Zone marathon, a Law & Order marathon and football….the only thing better than watching Ohio State win is watching Michigan lose. **grins wildly**

So, since it is a brand new year, I feel it necessary to make some…not technically resolutions, but promises for myself:

1. Lose weight – Long overdue and it is becoming a sort of health issue. I am not looking to be model thin by my 23rd, but definitely a size or two smaller than I am now.
2. Stay neat – Today, the house is more or less clean. I want to keep it that way throughout the year; just like normal people do. A little here, a little there. Just no need to spend an entire day doing laundry or just cleaning the bathroom or just doing the dishes. Also, not going to sleep with my room untidy. This will probably help overall.
3. Get into a routine – This one will be hard since I am still sans employment, but I need to just get into a basic routine:

1) Morning – Shower, teeth, feet, lotion, hair and makeup
2) Night – Clothes/misc items, dishes, floss, teeth, face and stomach-work

If I can start with a routine for when I wake up and go to sleep, I think I will be better off altogether. Plus, this also ties into what will be needed for #1.
4. Graduate…from somewhere – I have three degrees in progress, yet I feel like I am no closer to any of them as I this time last year. Just one degree out of the possible three. This will require some hard work and a lot of prayer.
5. Submit a novel – I have been writing here and there, and editing this and that. I think it is past time for me to make good on this dream of mine. This will also include making the final editions of something; Evan, Luka, any one I can complete.
6. Be healthy – This also is a part of #1. I need to be healthier overall; some kind of workout everyday, get in the fruits, grains, etc, read my Bible often, if not daily, etc.

I think in total, my New Year’s Resolution is to just be a better person altogether. Today is the first of January in the beginning of my 23rd year of existence. The past 23 years have been extraordinary, but not what I want my life to surround. Here’s to making 2007 the first of many healthy and successful years as a child of God.

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I’ll miss them all

December 13th, 2006 — 4:56pm

Peter Boyle died yesterday and, like all deaths, it got me thinking. I did some pondering here: http://www.tv.com/users/kaitco/profile.php, but I feel more is needed.

When Jerry Orbach died, I had a constant stream of e-mails and instant messages from all the people who knew just how much I cherished Law & Order. What was so strange for me, was that for several days after hearing the news, I felt sort of…empty, like something wasn’t right in my world. I wanted to openly mourn him, but I felt I couldn’t or shouldn’t because I didn’t actually know him. I just saw him on television and thought he was great at his job. Eventually, while driving to work one day, everything just spilled over and I started sobbing in my car. Can you imagine it? Sobbing over someone I’d never met. I cried for him and for his family, but mostly, as I believe with hindsight, I cried for myself. With every death I see around me, I feel it coming ever closer. While I am a Christian and have the profound belief that death is, indeed, only the beginning, I cannot help fathom the sorrow and desperation surround death. Surrounding the unknown.

But more on what got me thinking today, was the death of a beloved celebrity. Everyone, everyone has a date with destiny, even those who have entertained us for years. I think of the stars who have entertained, mesmerized and shaped me, through their performances, into the person I am today, and I am filled with wonder. What will I do, how will I feel when Reginald Veljohnson or Kellie Shangyne Williams pass on into another life? My childhood was spent watching them and I feel that they are such a part of me…I don’t know it just doesn’t seem like I could imagine reading a BBC news post about their deaths. Even worse, Gillian Anderson. Good God! Her character, literally, is one of the reasons I am the way I am today. Hearing of her death….I would most likely need to take time for myself; time to truly mourn, like I’d lost a member of my own family. (and now all this has got me thinking about my beloved grandmother and how my own time is coming too…sigh)

It’s so weird, to know that I’ll miss someone I will never meet. I will never meet Peter Boyle, but I loved everything he did. I watch Everybody Loves Raymond nearly every night; it’s on for an hour in my town. I watched Taxi Driver not too long ago. I just don’t know. I guess…just my thoughts and prayers go out to him and his family. Cancer. At 71. Doesn’t seem right; now that I think of it, neither does death.

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**Sighs, rolls eyes, and laughs**

December 9th, 2006 — 5:12pm

**Sighs**
On the fifth of this month, I took down my weight and all my measurements including my BMI and body fat. Every Tuesday, I will reassess everything. Sometimes there will be changes, hopefully in a negative realm, other times there will not. The goal is just to have something in front of me, so that I can see the changes. I’ll also take a picture every month because I’ve this master plan of making a little animated gif of my “transformation,” and I need to start somewhere.

height: 61.5 inches
weight: 215 lbs
waist: 41 3/4 inches
hips: 49 1/4 inches
neck: 15 3/16 inches
BMI: 38.73
body fat: 45.3 ~ I know there’s no way that this could be right. No human being could possibly be 50% body fat and live, but at least it’s a number to gauge some kind of progress.
Me - 12/9/2006

**Rolls Eyes**
On a side note, and by side note, I mean actually “the main thing,” today I was able to do…it. I asked for help. It was time for prayer requests following our choir rehearsal and I was, finally, able to do it. I think it was just because there were so few of us there today, that I actually felt more comfortable than I would have with all of young adult around me, but the point is, I did it. I also asked for help from my mother. I have been so set on being independent that it feels like I’ve failed at life knowing that I need help, but I suppose on the other side, at least I can turn to my mother.

**Laughs**
For the past few weeks, I’ve been praying for God to give me the strength and the words to pray in a group. For every auxiliary of which I am a member, we always end with prayer requests and an individual leading us in prayer. I have long dreaded the ends of meetings because I always knew the time would come when I would be asked to lead the prayer. I had just been praying and praying that the words would come to me. Others have a…gift when it comes to leading our prayers and I always felt like I could never be a natural and encompassing as I needed to be should I be asked to lead. I was asked to lead for both our usher board meeting and our choir rehearsal. The first time, I intentionally looked away and was, of course, called upon to lead. It was short and I felt like I might have missed some things, but I got through it. The second time came far more natural and I felt the words come to me; the way I’d prayed for them to come to me.

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Addendum to ‘Can’t let go’

December 9th, 2006 — 12:10am

Why can’t I do it? WHY CAN’T I DO IT!?!

Tonight, the women of the church came together to fellowship and everything was…so nice, and positive, and good. We then came to prayer requests and I just couldn’t do it. I had requests. I have requests. Please, pray for my grandmother; I think she’s worrying herself into the ground, a little too literally. Please, pray for my mother; she sounded so sick when I spoke with her tonight. Please, pray for me as I attempt to venture back into the working world and struggle with these monetary woes of mine. I have loads of requests, but I can never voice them. Why? I’m always so frustrated with myself. It seems like it would be so easy to do, but I just can’t do it.

It’s like some deep, innate lack of self esteem. I don’t know what to do or how to approach this. Everyone talked so long about the women of our church coming to one another. That one of us hurts we all should hurt and bring one another back up again. But….I just don’t feel like I could ever deserve that. It seems like everything going on in my life is so insignificant compared to everyone else’s, and just I can’t let go of that feeling.

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So, I’m going to be a teacher

December 5th, 2006 — 9:58am

I suppose it’s never enough to simply come to church and live a good life. There’s always more to do and quite honestly I can’t say that I have ever had a reason for not doing more…except sheer laziness, but I am working on that.
They’ve, they being the church, has asked me to be a Sunday School teacher. I will be starting out with younger kids and maybe teach some of the older kids and adult classes later. I have to say, though, I am more than intimidated. On Sunday, Pastor asked the question: “Who believes every word of this book?” (this book being the Bible) I didn’t raise my hand when, literally, all those around me did. Why? Because I don’t. I haven’t yet read it from Genesis to Revelation, so how can I say that I believe in something in a book that I haven’t read? It would be the worst of lies and I figured if there was any place that I shouldn’t be lying, it would be while sitting in church on a Sunday morning. And now, I feel perplexed. A part of me, a rather large part of me, wonders if I should be teaching Sunday School since I have so much to learn already. But, I suppose I will learn more about the word of God by teaching it than I ever would just coming to Sunday School and Bible Study.

I got up early today so I could have more time in my day to waste and also make sure that I’ve read next Sunday’s lesson for tonight at our teacher’s meeting. Hopefully, I won’t end up wasting the rest of today….

On Saturday, I went to the church business meeting just to see what went on during it. The pastor announced the positions of leadership held in the church and I can only imagine the surprise on my face when he announced that I, I, would be a Sunday School secretary. I think it was more because I just happened to be in his line of sight when he came to the Sunday School secretaries, but I’m still shocked. I’ve, literally, just joined the church and now I’m about to hold a position there. It’s been less than seven months and here I am. It’s such a contrast to last year; it’s astonishing! On Sunday, the kids were singing and I was just happy to be there that it got me thinking, “What was I doing on Sunday mornings before now?” It’s actually hard for me to remember. Really, it is. I want to say that I was probably recovering from the previous night, but I haven’t been out “partying” in so long that I can’t even say that that’s what I did on Sundays. It’s weird: I was in full college, party-girl mode as of my birthday last year and then I just got tired of all of it. Then, I all but stopped drinking and then I ended up joining my church…? It’s puzzling. I guess Jesus does work in mysterious ways….

So, I’m going to be a teacher. I can only say that I’ll try my best.

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Sick of it…

November 27th, 2006 — 4:18pm

I’m just sick of it. All of it.

I’m sick of these “Tired Santa” commercials. Like I need another reason to feel less than festive during this holiday season. All I see on television are countless versions of Santa, completely stressed out because no one wants to sit on his lap and ask him for gifts or Santa being ignored by kids because they are so enamoured by by Best Buy or whatever gifts already under the tree, or the infamous Santa coming home early because “everyone” is giving one another gift cards from wherever. Ugh. I’m just sick of it. It’s nearly December and I am no where near being in the Christmas spirit.

I’m sick of dealing with everything that’s happened in the past four years. I feel like I should just get up and drive to a new state and start over with my life. Just find a new place to live, find a new church and just start over.

I cried today and they weren’t happy tears. I feel like I’m being punished and it doesn’t matter how many times I fall to my knees displaying my sorrow for my actions in the past, these things just keep coming back to bite me squarely in the ass.

Obsessions are heightening, yet depression is coming. I have less than three hundred dollars to my name, yet absolutely no manner of income. I want so little, but need so much. When does this get easy? When do I get to start living my life?

I don’t know. I’m just sick of it.

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Groggy

November 17th, 2006 — 11:36pm

I had my second ankle surgery today, and amazingly, it when far better than the other one. My throat is a little sore and I’m still a bit “out of it,” but more or less everything went fine….except when the physician giving me the primary physical noted that my heartbeat was slightly elevated and that I needed to have it looked at. But honestly, all that has to do with is sheer nerves. I would imagine that anyone’s heartbeat would be a little irregular prior to surgery. No matter how minor it is, there’s no telling what could happen in the operating room. For the past week, I’ve been plagued by nightmares of waking up in the recovery room minus my left foot, while the nurses tried to explain what had happened. If anything could cause an irregular heartbeat, I would say that is more than sufficient.

Having now undergone four ankle surgeries, I have the entire system down:

First the arrival at registration where they ask for anywhere from two to four hundred dollars up front, depending on one’s insurance, and the woman prints off the initial plastic bracelet. It has my full name, age, date of birth, the fact that I’m female (if that wasn’t initially evident), and my doctor’s name.
Then up stairs to the family waiting room, where they ask you who you are with and give you a rundown of the situation. If the doctor has anything to tell you, he may come out and talk to you prior to the surgery.
Then you go back to pre-op, where a nurse goes through your entire medical history: allergies, heart disease cancers, etc, and then makes you take a pregnancy test, regardless of what you have to say. Then you strip down to your underwear into that oh-so-ugly hospital gown that I’ve never managed to tie in the back by myself and once you’ve changed, your family or whoever you brought with you is allowed to come back and sit with you. The most nerve-racking part about the pre-op part is listening to everything else that’s going on around you. There’s something discomforting about hearing ALL the nurses complaining about just how tired they are or how ready they are for the weekend to come. It kind of gets me worried and all I can think about is how I would go lax on job, especially when I didn’t want to be there (hence the rapid heartbeat). It’s also unnerving listening to the nurses go over the same questions with other patients just a curtain away from you. Why do I know that the guy next to me is married, has had ACL reconstruction, a hernia operation and a vasectomy? Because he was loud and proud with all of his information. I suppose I am the type of person who just does not want to know about everyone else’s problems…Anyway, normally once the nurse leaves to grab my parents, I take that opportunity to pray, because really, you have no idea when you will be able to do it again. I didn’t today though. I guess it slipped my mind, as shocking as that seemed, but I did pray in the room just prior to surgery, as well as sang church songs to myself.
Once your family greets your in your beautiful gown, you get a moment to hand them any valuables, like the cross I never take off for example. Though now that I think about it, why would they need to make you take off something like a cross prior to surgery? I would think that if there was anywhere that I would need one, it would definitely be during a surgery where there’s no telling what would happen once the anesthesia knock me out cold.
After some time with your family, the nurse takes you back to the “other” pre-op area, where everyone is exceptionally clean and wearing scrubs and those surgical hats. Here is where you meet some of the nurses that will be in the operating room with you as well as the resident and the anesthesiologist. A nurse will administer the IV drip, which for me, has always hurt badly and even hurts more than my freshly operated foot following the surgery. From my own horrible past experiences with nurses taking blood, I know it is absolutely necessary for them to put the IV in my hand rather than anywhere else. I’ve decided that I’ve had enough of nearly passing out while nurses dig around in my arm searching for a vein that had just slipped out of sight, that the claim was just there a moment ago. One time, the initial nurse tried, then another nurse, the one of the doctors in the area and then finally they had to bring out a nurse from the neo-natal ward to administer my IV. Needless to say, I want to do everything in my power to keep from having, yet another disaster in pre-op.
The nurse starts the IV and the finger heart monitor, and you start to meet the others while you wait. Today, my heart really began racing when my doctor asked on which foot we were operating. Now, every nurse, doctor, whoever, you will meet prior to entering the operating room will look at your plastic bracelet and constantly ask your name, date of birth and on what they were operating, so this was not unusual for my doctor to ask me this, but when he looked at my x-rays and then looked back at me, I admit I got scared. He’d been given the information for my right foot and there was a bit of confusion, since my surgery time had been changed about four times before today. Fortunately, everything got straightened out, but seeing that the expression that not everything was going as planned in your doctor’s eyes, does tend to cause a bit of stress.
When I met the anesthesiologist, I was given this anti-nausea patch behind the ear, because I had also had enough for vomiting profusely due to the anesthesia. Miraculously, it has worked perfectly up to the moment. Should I ever have to go through this again (and hopefully, I won’t), I fully plan to ask for this patch again. Today was the first time, I’ve come to 11:00PM the night of a surgery and still feel fine, sans vomiting! (Oh, damnit! I missed Law and Order!)
Anyway, then comes a bit of a wait depending on how many surgeries your doctor has in front of you and the prep time required for your own. Sometime in there, they give you a little something to relax you a bit and before you know it, you are being wheeled down the hall into the operating room.
The operating room has never failed to be overwhelming for me. First of all, it is so bright in there, it is nearly blinding. It’s also freezing and regardless of how long those hospital blankets that they keep coming at you with are, you will definitely feel the cold of that room. The nurse and the resident will wheel your bed right next to surgical bed and have you move yourself over the stationary bed. Then, the spread your arms out across these posts that slide out from the surgical bed and they come at you again with the warmed blankets, while sticking you with the circular disks they use to measure your vitals. Once they do all this, (someone took my glasses, but I really don’t remember at which point) they come at you with the face mask.
Now, for the past surgeries they’ve asked me to count backward from ten, but for this one and the one I had in September, they just placed the mask over my face and I was out within five seconds. I prefer not having to count because the lower you get before passing out, the more stressed you get that the anesthesia isn’t actually working and you’re going to feel the whole thing.
When you wake up in the recovery room, you know that some time has passed, but it does not register immediately. It feels like you just closed your eyes for a second and then ended up in the recovery room. I’ve had all types of experiences waking up in the recovery room, from kicking people the foot that they just operated on, to feeling it absolutely necessary to get out of that bed. What is always a constant for me, is the thrashing. I wish I could explain, but when I wake up like that, I just thrash my head from side to side until I can get a grasp on my bearings. This time there was just a little thrashing, but the last time, I actually had a few nurse holding me down as I struggled in the recovery bed and attempted to rip the oxygen wire they had going under my nose from my face. The last time I also discovered I had a type of sleep disorder, where I nearly stop breathing while I sleep. They kept having to wake me up to get my oxygen back up over 90. This time, they had to wake me a few times, but it was not nearly as bad the previous.
When the nurses are satisfied with your vitals, they ease you into a wheelchair and to the post-op area where they help you get dressed and give you a little something to eat, since you haven’t had anything to eat since 8pm the previous night. Your family greets you hear and they give you any pertinent instructions before easing back into the wheelchair and to your car so you can be driven home. I’ve always had issues staying awake for any length of time while in post-op, because I really can’t sleep prior to surgery. I just feel like there’s something else that I’m missing or forgetting and sleep never occurs.

*Sigh*

I’ve gone through this surgery thing far too often and quite frankly, I wouldn’t wish this on anyone. Hopefully, this will be the last aside from something like childbirth….

Oh well: Here’s praying!

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My goodness! Changes, changes, changes.

September 25th, 2006 — 10:48am

It’s been 21 days! If I’d waited ’til tomorrow, it would have been 22 days and I’d be turning 22! Xanga keeps me all these changes on me….

None of my goals have been accomplished. It’s the same song of my life. Although yesterday, I did make it to church since I didn’t get to go last week. It felt good to be around everyone. I’m getting to know everyone there pretty well. I really missed it, even though I didn’t like everything he had to say. I managed to hold my tongue when the bulletins noted the sermon “The Gospel According to Forrest Gump” and “Forrest” was spelled with one “r.” It was difficult, but I made it.

As I approach my 22nd year in the world I have been gazing back to the events that transpired during my 21st year. While so many of goals have gone unseen, I still feel like I am a better person. In the past year, I have not made any progress with my education, I have not completed any novels and I have not completed my website. I have not met “the one,” or lost any weight or given up any vices. I feel like I’m turning 38 and so feeling of utmost dispair through my lack of accomplishment sometimes seems overbearing. But…

In the past year, I’ve learned to properly code HTML, which can be another vice, but a useful vice. I’ve applied this new knowledge to create better sites for others to enjoy and it also opens up the possibility for future paid work. I’ve done other things and learned a lot about myself, but the most important of all these things is that I’ve found my way back to Jesus.

I’d been lost, truly lost, for a long time, and now, even with all the things that have gone wrong in this past year, I still feel like I’m a better person than I was last year. My Sundays are now for God instead of recovering from whatever I poured down my throat Saturday night. I swear less, I drink less and I try harder to do things that would make Jesus proud of me. I feel like I know more about who I am, I am more in tuned with my own culture, and I have come to understand why I do so many of the things I do.

….

Thinking about this actually brings me to tears, because I guess I just realized that everything I’d been told about God my whole life is true. He has a plan for me regardless of the plans I have for myself. This year, instead of being depressed that I am growing another year older, a problem that has persisted since I turned 14, I am going to be happy that God has allowed me to grow and learn for a little bit longer.

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Whoa…it’s been two weeks?

September 4th, 2006 — 6:45am

Leave Xanga for two weeks and they change everything on you…

Oh well. I’m back and again, nothing much has been happening.

All my “friends” hate me now. It happens, but I know when I’m right and this is one of those situations. A-B is effectively screwing me over for the rest of this year and the next, but I will hold my head high and smile nonetheless. This week is going to be excruciating there. I have so much to do it’s really just ridiculous. They do this every year. The “let’s wait to until the last second and ask Dorienne to do a million tasks at once” attitude is getting old. I have to teach, that which is difficult enough to learn for my own needs let alone teach when no one else knows what’s going on. The whole thing just makes me sad and I’m in desperate need for a vacation. Luckily for me, I’m having surgery again and I’ll have plenty of time to “rest.”

I’ve just been feeling so low and useless lately and I’m not sure what, if anything, I can do to remedy the situation. I think I’m just ready for a change. I’ve been here for far too long and I need to see some new faces and do some new things. I think I just feel especially down today, because I was just soooooo tired in church today and I left immediately after the service. The Lord’s Supper service just kept going on and on and on. I had half a mind to just get up and walk out; I was just so tired I could barely focus. I understand how important communion is. I really do. But I have yet to see the significance of saying the same exact things over and over again in a hundred different ways month after month. It’s always the same people there every single Sunday. We all know what’s up. It’s getting to the point where I’m considering not attending the first Sunday’s service, just to avoid these annoyingly long lectures about communion. Every month, I just feel like, “Please! Just give me the cracker and the juice and let me be on my way!”
I think I’ve also been annoyed with church recently, because last week our pastor made such a big to-do about coming to afternoon service as well as morning service, and when I showed up, it had been cancelled. I drove ALL the way down there and then had to drive ALL the way back. Then yesterday, I got to our 10:30 choir practice at 10:33 and waited another 20 minutes before anyone else showed up. Our director was even late. And today in Sunday School, the little booklet they give us, said something I thoroughly did not agree with in regards to evolution versus creation, blah, blah, blah….I honestly don’t see why science and religion feel they must mix. You can’t test faith. You can’t make experiments on it. It is what it is. Science is based on testable, reproducible facts. Religion is based on faith. Why must the two be set in comparison all the time?! Why is that I can’t believe in both evolution and creation?! Why can’t anyone else agree with the idea that evolution is what got everything on this Earth to this point and that God is the “why” behind everything?! Why is this a principle that is so difficult for people to understand?! Science is the “how” of anything in the world and faith is the “why” behind that “how.”

Sigh…

I just feel so very sad and I don’t know why.

Maybe because it’s another September and I’m coming ever closer to another birthday without feeling that I’ve accomplished anything. The other day at work, I told everyone that I felt old, like I was closer to my late 30s than my early twenties and they all just laughed and said that I was “cute.” Why? It’s not like they ever felt fifteen years older than they were at my age. So, what’s with the laughter?

I set some goals for myself in my last entry and it was like the next day, that I went back on those same goals; the McDonald’s one anyway. I haven’t had any more since then, but it’s very discouraging to have a goal fresh in your mind and squelch on that goal when you feel trapped. Oh well.
I’m going to work out this week. In one form or another. I need to lose at least ten pounds before my surgery. I’ve told myself that to keep from gaining an exuberant amount of weight like I did with the first surgeries, I was only going to eat when I needed to take pain medication. We’ll see how well that’ll work out.

Okay, time to uplift myself….
Today I will:
Do all my laundry
Clean the bathroom
Finish the subdomain for the wedding pics
Clean my room
Make this stupid video thingy work
Work on my book
Study for next and winter quarter’s

It’s a good list and the best part is that it’s quite doable!

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