Dorienne's Log

I’ve asked myself these past few days, ‘why do I keep coming to church?’ I’ve always answered with ‘it makes me feel better’ or ‘because it feels right.’ Today, I received an affirmation! I looked at my Amex bill and nearly burst into tears. I owed $600, I had $150 in my checking account. I would not get any money until the week of the 19th. Dread seeped over me. I would have to borrow money from my mother in order to cover the bill. Of all horrifying things to happen to an adult, this is of course the worst. Instead of digressing into self-pity and depression, I went to church like I’ve been doing these past few weeks. I asked my mother for a $400 loan and I had a small break-down in the church bathroom, but I was alright in the end. I felt better; though my money woes had not yet been lifted, it seemed like what my pastor has been telling me: through God, Jesus, if you will, everything WILL be all right. I came home, feeling much better and started a to-do list which included studying and, of course, cleaning my room. As I began cleaning, procrastinating with the studying, of course, I found a bill of older account statements and what looked like a check stub from an old Anheuser check. I opened the stub, not expecting to see anything, and low and behold, no pun in intended, there sat a check for $300! Combined with the money from my father’s last check, I no longer needed a loan from my mother, and quickly told her so. Though my money woes are still far from over, I cannot help but feel utterly saved through the grace of God.

There is a rational explanation for what transpired today: I simply forgot about the check until this opportune moment. But still….if I had deposited that check months ago, I would have most likely spent it already, leaving me without any recourse presently. I feel like crying because…I am truly grateful for what God has given to me. And…I’m also so happy that I can attribute this to Him, instead of simple dumb luck like I might have a month ago. I am also sad, that I cannot express this sentiment with those around because I know they would laugh and look at me as if I were clearly making a joke because of the person I used to be. My only comfort is knowing that time and Jesus will eventually resolve this issue for the best.

So here is a question I pose to myself: If a young student says to another young student that she has joined her church and has obviously making some changes in her life, why would this second student look upon the first and say, “Well, you can skip church?” It’s as if this second student doesn’t give a damn about what the first is attempting to do with her life.

Sigh….

So, we were supposed to have a party this weekend. I don’t know how it went and have no desire to know. Here is another question I pose to myself: If one is throwing a party and has invited some 40 or 50 people to this party, why on Earth would one think that five cases of alcohol would be adequate for this party? It is this sublime stupidity that makes me lose faith in the human race.
The only way I can think of this in a somewhat positive light is that this event has reaffirmed an idea upon which I was about to renege. I now know what is best for me and certain parties and I now have both the knowledge and the strength to do what is right. Without this weekend’s events, I would have most definitely fallen into old habits which would have doomed me in the end.

Sigh….

I just wish I had more time in my life. Maybe I should stop sleeping for a while, just to add a little more time in my day. There are so many things I want to do and need to do and some things are always trumped by others….I just don’t want to wake up 40ish and realized I’ve never accomplished any of the things I’ve set out to do with my life.

Sigh….

Time for Simpsons and the hope that my food I ordered will be coming within the next ten minutes, then of course this paper I’ve neglected for several weeks and then studying for tomorrow’s Micro quiz since I’ve missed all the others, and then troubleshooting my laptop’s many grievous issues, then discovering the many wonders of Flash MX and flash video creation and updating my websites, then reading the several books I want to read, then writing the several books I’m attempting to write, then cleaning and laundry and organizing my Law and Order tapes and creating some new movies from DVDs and then…..

I joined the church today. I had been preparing myself to do it without tears during most of the sermon, but I took one look at my mother’s sobbing face and I was done. I am simply too emotional. It took Grandma’s sigh after asking me whether or not I had joined the church to make me do it. Once I started thinking about it, I realized I really did not have a reason to keep making excuses of why not to join. Every time I would attend, I would make up some kind of excuse to keep me from approaching when I truly felt this need within me to go up during the call to join. Each time I went to church and we got to that part of the service, I always felt this tension.

What was holding me back? I could get crazy by saying it was the devil, but of course I won’t given that sometimes I question “his” existence. Talking with my mother on the car ride home, I realized there is just so much that I don’t understand about religion. There’s no reason for me not to just join that which I innately believe.

There was a point when I thought that maybe I wouldn’t join, “not this week,” I said to myself, but there was this point during the service….everyone was laughing and I felt good in church, for once. I actually said to myself, “I love church.” It came out so easy and natural. It was then I knew I really had no other excuse except a sense of late teen/early twenties rebellion, and I’ve been saying I’m past all my peers and all of that in itself.

Oh well….

I actually want to go to church next week, but what gets me is superstition. My family has always had this superstition about how one begins the new year, meaning where one is during when the new year approaches, is how one will live the entire year. I rang in the new year in church and now I’ve gone and joined the church. It wasn’t intentional and it wasn’t until after I’d joined that the thought occurred to me.

All I’ve got to say is “how interesting.”

Two weeks ago, after finishing a 12-pack of Pepsi in less than five and realizing just how much sugar I’d consumed in that time, I decided that my addiction had taken a new hold and it was time for a change. Thus, I began the “no-Pepsi” era of my life and I’ll see if this lasts at least until December….

So, tonight while watching an ER re-run, I was suddenly overrun by the urge to drink, my third Pepsi of the day. Mind you, I’ve already had a breakdown in the “no-Pepsi” era of my life, by having two today and there I was craving a third. I tried to not think about, I drank water, I had a push-up pop, and yet the craving raged on. And then I looked to the small green Bible given to me by the creepy little man handing out Bibles on campus the other day for solace in my Pepsi temptation. I don’t know what I was expecting exactly, but to no surprise, I got nothing from reading passages on temptation in the Bible. After agonizing over the thought that I will never get back those five minutes I spent reading that damn Bible, the urge subsided and I’m happy to say, I’m back on track, so to speak. But then again I do wonder…..Perhaps reading that little Bible did work. Hmm……