Dorienne's Log

Yes! Finally, I have my blog back!

It has been a harrowing few weeks since I decided to leave Acenet and realized that I had no idea how to begin changing my MySQL databases over to the new account at Lunarpages. I have just this instant figured it out and I am more than ecstatic. I have had so many things about which I just longed to write, but I had no venue in which to display these thoughts. I will transfer a blog post I created in my TV.com blog here since it was pretty significant.

The thing is, last Tuesday, I received a rude awakening. Upon realizing that a fanfic-novel I had been writing was about to become yesterday’s news, it finally occurred to me just how much time I waste on forums and the like. Time that would be better spent accomplishing my many projects. So, for the past few days, I have been away from the TV.com cold turkey. I do not expect that my absence will affect anyone, but still I do wonder. I have been focusing on my writing and today I decided I need to start seeing project through to the end instead of starting up new ones half way through the old and never finishing anything in the process. Some may call this behaviour textbook ADD and bipolar, but I can beat this myself sans label. I just have to focus.

I got a job! It is with Chase and we have yet to get into our actual work since we are still in training. I can’t help, but feel that I am the odd one out in the class, though I think that some of this has to do with the fact that I sit directly in the middle of the room and I do not share a desk with anyone in the training room. It maybe because I have been more or less isolated from people, church members notwithstanding, for quite some time, but I feel just odd in comparison to everyone else. I cannot really explain it, but everyone else seems so different from me that I feel that I almost struggle to relate to all the others. Maybe it’s because I keep finding all these errors in the training materials….I am having great difficulty in finding my niche, which just pains to no ends because, like all humans, I am ever-striving for acceptance and belonging. All in all, though, I just wish we could get through the material and get out on the floor. I fee like I am being robbed each day I spend in training because that is another day where I am working at close to a dollar and hour less than what I should be paid. What irks me the most is that I can’t help thinking that if I just had my degree, I could have applied for a position more suited my interests like the company’s IT department or anything else. I see myself truly testing the limits of the “you have to stay at your level for a year before moving elsewhere” idea. I already want to master this information on competitive spirit alone and there’s no telling how I will be once we are out of training.
The good thing to come out of this, however is that I may have my first web design job. It will probably be just a fifty-dollar job with a very small maintenance fee, but it is a job nonetheless. It excites me so much, I could just dance and sing. And speaking of sing, I had been stressing for several days about the fact that since I work on Saturdays, I will not be able to attend choir practices. Thankfully, most of the songs we do, I already know and our director gave us a CD of a bunch of songs that we will be singing in the coming months. Knowing those songs will be enough for when we are to sing. Today, I sang with the choir even though I was unable to practice with them this month and I think we did great. I was worried about our director for a bit, because I can tell that she is still sick and looked like she was about to pass out while she was directing us. In fact, I was very worried probably because I had dream last night, Saturday night, about one of our church members passing away suddenly and I woke up very upset. In my dream, I was crying over her and no one could understand why I was crying and was upset since she was saved and therefore we all knew where she was going. It was one of those sit straight up in the middle of the night dreams that stay with you for a while and I made sure to hug this person extra hard in church today.

Phew! I have managed to clean my room and catch up on my “correspondence” tonight all in efforts to procrastinate major items further. All this behaviour makes me think that I really am not ready to return to OSU after all. I don’t want to believe it, but here I am under the same stresses and I am struggle once more. I think I just need to press forward and just get my stuff done so I can have more time to write and do what I want to do.

….time to work…

Yesterday, well, I guess two days ago, was such a great day for me. First, I got a job! Woot! A half-way decent job that I know I can do with steady pay and reasonably stable hours. Then, I managed to switch around my classes to accommodate the training schedule and since I know what my hours will be, I can schedule my OSU classes accordingly. I thought briefly that I would not be able to, but everything worked out for the best. Oh, Jesus is great! The best part of the night was when I got to my eight o’clock class, the girl next to me says that she’s new in town, but doesn’t like it. So, I asked if her she had church home and then suggested Lincoln Park. I’m not sure if she’ll show or not, but I was excited just the same.
**Sigh** Ohio State lost, but since I really didn’t watch that much of the game, it doesn’t bother me all that much. I was on such a spiritual high on Monday that nothing could really phase me at the point. I don’t get too many days to smile and “woot” about, so when they come along, I smile and woot as much as God will let me.

I rang in the new year at church once again and once again, I’m happy I did. Last year, it was more a sense of desperation since I just could not imagine bringing in the new year in some random bar. This year, I could not wait to go to our church’s Watch Night service. It was fun and even though I had to sing while on the crutches, I really enjoyed myself.

I spent the majority of yesterday watching the SVU marathon on USA, while today was a mix of a Twilight Zone marathon, a Law & Order marathon and football….the only thing better than watching Ohio State win is watching Michigan lose. **grins wildly**

So, since it is a brand new year, I feel it necessary to make some…not technically resolutions, but promises for myself:

1. Lose weight – Long overdue and it is becoming a sort of health issue. I am not looking to be model thin by my 23rd, but definitely a size or two smaller than I am now.
2. Stay neat – Today, the house is more or less clean. I want to keep it that way throughout the year; just like normal people do. A little here, a little there. Just no need to spend an entire day doing laundry or just cleaning the bathroom or just doing the dishes. Also, not going to sleep with my room untidy. This will probably help overall.
3. Get into a routine – This one will be hard since I am still sans employment, but I need to just get into a basic routine:

1) Morning – Shower, teeth, feet, lotion, hair and makeup
2) Night – Clothes/misc items, dishes, floss, teeth, face and stomach-work

If I can start with a routine for when I wake up and go to sleep, I think I will be better off altogether. Plus, this also ties into what will be needed for #1.
4. Graduate…from somewhere – I have three degrees in progress, yet I feel like I am no closer to any of them as I this time last year. Just one degree out of the possible three. This will require some hard work and a lot of prayer.
5. Submit a novel – I have been writing here and there, and editing this and that. I think it is past time for me to make good on this dream of mine. This will also include making the final editions of something; Evan, Luka, any one I can complete.
6. Be healthy – This also is a part of #1. I need to be healthier overall; some kind of workout everyday, get in the fruits, grains, etc, read my Bible often, if not daily, etc.

I think in total, my New Year’s Resolution is to just be a better person altogether. Today is the first of January in the beginning of my 23rd year of existence. The past 23 years have been extraordinary, but not what I want my life to surround. Here’s to making 2007 the first of many healthy and successful years as a child of God.

I went through all of my previous posts adding categories where necessary and it struck me, just how different a person I am from only a year ago. It’s mind boggling. As I sit here, words fail me. That the person who wrote this post, could be even remotely related to me seems unimaginable.

At church, we often discuss how Jesus has managed to change us for the better. Everyone else always talks about God bringing them out of the bottle, and leading them off drugs and helping them treat people better, but these things never seemed to pertain to me directly. As I looked back on long-forgotten posts, I saw just how profoundly I have changed. Words that spilled out of me a year ago almost shock me. If I did not remember each event surrounding my previous posts, I would swear I never wrote those things.

Hmm…I guess it is just humbling to see the person I was not too long ago.

**Sighs**
On the fifth of this month, I took down my weight and all my measurements including my BMI and body fat. Every Tuesday, I will reassess everything. Sometimes there will be changes, hopefully in a negative realm, other times there will not. The goal is just to have something in front of me, so that I can see the changes. I’ll also take a picture every month because I’ve this master plan of making a little animated gif of my “transformation,” and I need to start somewhere.

height: 61.5 inches
weight: 215 lbs
waist: 41 3/4 inches
hips: 49 1/4 inches
neck: 15 3/16 inches
BMI: 38.73
body fat: 45.3 ~ I know there’s no way that this could be right. No human being could possibly be 50% body fat and live, but at least it’s a number to gauge some kind of progress.

**Rolls Eyes**
On a side note, and by side note, I mean actually “the main thing,” today I was able to do…it. I asked for help. It was time for prayer requests following our choir rehearsal and I was, finally, able to do it. I think it was just because there were so few of us there today, that I actually felt more comfortable than I would have with all of young adult around me, but the point is, I did it. I also asked for help from my mother. I have been so set on being independent that it feels like I’ve failed at life knowing that I need help, but I suppose on the other side, at least I can turn to my mother.

**Laughs**
For the past few weeks, I’ve been praying for God to give me the strength and the words to pray in a group. For every auxiliary of which I am a member, we always end with prayer requests and an individual leading us in prayer. I have long dreaded the ends of meetings because I always knew the time would come when I would be asked to lead the prayer. I had just been praying and praying that the words would come to me. Others have a…gift when it comes to leading our prayers and I always felt like I could never be a natural and encompassing as I needed to be should I be asked to lead. I was asked to lead for both our usher board meeting and our choir rehearsal. The first time, I intentionally looked away and was, of course, called upon to lead. It was short and I felt like I might have missed some things, but I got through it. The second time came far more natural and I felt the words come to me; the way I’d prayed for them to come to me.

I’ve been making a lot of notes for my In Darkness series and the more I ponder about souls, the more I realize how difficult it is for me to give up on the idea of souls being reincarnated or, really, regenerated. It just makes sense to me and it seems like no amount of church is able to trump this fact. It allows me to account for the idea that God wants everybody to go to heaven. This is the only way for me to rest at night whilest I wonder about the murderer sitting on death row, who never got the chance to know Jesus. I have been blessed with the opportunity to not just know about Him, but learn as much as I want about Him. If I screw up at this point, I deserve to go to hell. But what about some little African girl who lives out with the tribes of nowhere, who really will never get the chance to know Him? It just does not seem like something that a fair, just and awesome God could do; to allow someone to go to hell when they never had the chance to learn, to never know any better.
I think all souls continue to come back to “life” until they get it right. It’s the only logic that I can follow that doesn’t have me worrying about my religion and sending me packing once again. And I just can’t let go of it.

I suppose it’s never enough to simply come to church and live a good life. There’s always more to do and quite honestly I can’t say that I have ever had a reason for not doing more…except sheer laziness, but I am working on that.
They’ve, they being the church, has asked me to be a Sunday School teacher. I will be starting out with younger kids and maybe teach some of the older kids and adult classes later. I have to say, though, I am more than intimidated. On Sunday, Pastor asked the question: “Who believes every word of this book?” (this book being the Bible) I didn’t raise my hand when, literally, all those around me did. Why? Because I don’t. I haven’t yet read it from Genesis to Revelation, so how can I say that I believe in something in a book that I haven’t read? It would be the worst of lies and I figured if there was any place that I shouldn’t be lying, it would be while sitting in church on a Sunday morning. And now, I feel perplexed. A part of me, a rather large part of me, wonders if I should be teaching Sunday School since I have so much to learn already. But, I suppose I will learn more about the word of God by teaching it than I ever would just coming to Sunday School and Bible Study.

I got up early today so I could have more time in my day to waste and also make sure that I’ve read next Sunday’s lesson for tonight at our teacher’s meeting. Hopefully, I won’t end up wasting the rest of today….

On Saturday, I went to the church business meeting just to see what went on during it. The pastor announced the positions of leadership held in the church and I can only imagine the surprise on my face when he announced that I, I, would be a Sunday School secretary. I think it was more because I just happened to be in his line of sight when he came to the Sunday School secretaries, but I’m still shocked. I’ve, literally, just joined the church and now I’m about to hold a position there. It’s been less than seven months and here I am. It’s such a contrast to last year; it’s astonishing! On Sunday, the kids were singing and I was just happy to be there that it got me thinking, “What was I doing on Sunday mornings before now?” It’s actually hard for me to remember. Really, it is. I want to say that I was probably recovering from the previous night, but I haven’t been out “partying” in so long that I can’t even say that that’s what I did on Sundays. It’s weird: I was in full college, party-girl mode as of my birthday last year and then I just got tired of all of it. Then, I all but stopped drinking and then I ended up joining my church…? It’s puzzling. I guess Jesus does work in mysterious ways….

So, I’m going to be a teacher. I can only say that I’ll try my best.

We, my generation, we are Generation Y. Rather than a voiceless, aimless group, we ask the questions and demand answers. We are the first generation to grow up with computers, and one day the history books will reflect how this electronic intrusion has manipulated all of human thought. I find it ironic that I say this as I write in an online blog, but today all I ask is Why.

Why do people pass away? I know the chemical and physiological and evolutionary explanations, but these just tell me how; they never answer why. Why is that I can see one person on a Sunday afternoon, say hello to them, give them a hug, talk to them and wish them a happy, blessed week, and then seven days later learn that I will never speak to them again? Yes, she looked slightly paler than usual and she did have a bit of a limp, but I knew she was sick and just assumed that this was a part of it. Never had I imagined that I would never talk to her, attend meetings with her or hold hands during altar call ever again. There’s a part of me that still struggles to understand it. It doesn’t quite make sense in the grand scheme of things. There are so many cruel, terrible people in this world that never deserved to make it to the ages that they have, but they keep on laughing and living and being their cruel selves. Why should this Christian just slip away before another Sunday’s service?

In my heart, my only comfort at that thought was that I know she was saved and now she is at peace, but in my mind I am still confused. Who’s name did the pastor just say? No, that couldn’t possibly be her. It must have been another Kimm; someone I don’t know. Then, the realization hits and further questions are asked. Anger and wonder endures. Is this what will happen to me when I pass from this world? A mention during the announcements? But, what was I expecting the pastor to do?

I haven’t cried yet, though I do feel like the tears are just underneath my thoughtful facade. The service is Friday; she passed on Sunday. I feel almost robbed; like someone should have told me that there was a chance. It just seemed like she was sick, not fighting for her life. It’s not fair that people should die.

As a Christian, I know she’s at peace, but as a human being, this is where I struggle. I’m still in a state of disbelief and I am worried about what’s about to come. Not just the service, but those in future. There are so many more souls in my life now, so many more people I have to love. All I have is the question, how many times will have to endure this over the years? I know there’s no way to discern an exact number, but I know for certain, it is far too many.

Yesterday, I sang in the Mass Choir for the first time. It was fun and we sang a lot of the songs I have loved throughout the time I have been coming to this church. I like the idea of singing in our choir. It feels like I am literally praising God (wow, that sounds corny), and I feel so good afterward.
Anyway, I’ve always wondered what is about that song “Stand.” It’s so emotional, no matter who leads it or which choir sings it. It always gets people to their feet and I had to fight back tears; not specifically happy tears, but just highly emotional. Then, came the altar call and I had to grab a tissue afterward. I looked around and half the people in the church were dabbing their eyes. I cried, not because of the song, but because during the prayer, I truly came to realize what our pastors had been saying for quite some time. At that moment I realized, every day with Jesus really is better than the day before. It was just an interesting moment for me, and it made me cry.

It’s been 21 days! If I’d waited ’til tomorrow, it would have been 22 days and I’d be turning 22! Xanga keeps me all these changes on me….

None of my goals have been accomplished. It’s the same song of my life. Although yesterday, I did make it to church since I didn’t get to go last week. It felt good to be around everyone. I’m getting to know everyone there pretty well. I really missed it, even though I didn’t like everything he had to say. I managed to hold my tongue when the bulletins noted the sermon “The Gospel According to Forrest Gump” and “Forrest” was spelled with one “r.” It was difficult, but I made it.

As I approach my 22nd year in the world I have been gazing back to the events that transpired during my 21st year. While so many of goals have gone unseen, I still feel like I am a better person. In the past year, I have not made any progress with my education, I have not completed any novels and I have not completed my website. I have not met “the one,” or lost any weight or given up any vices. I feel like I’m turning 38 and so feeling of utmost dispair through my lack of accomplishment sometimes seems overbearing. But…

In the past year, I’ve learned to properly code HTML, which can be another vice, but a useful vice. I’ve applied this new knowledge to create better sites for others to enjoy and it also opens up the possibility for future paid work. I’ve done other things and learned a lot about myself, but the most important of all these things is that I’ve found my way back to Jesus.

I’d been lost, truly lost, for a long time, and now, even with all the things that have gone wrong in this past year, I still feel like I’m a better person than I was last year. My Sundays are now for God instead of recovering from whatever I poured down my throat Saturday night. I swear less, I drink less and I try harder to do things that would make Jesus proud of me. I feel like I know more about who I am, I am more in tuned with my own culture, and I have come to understand why I do so many of the things I do.

….

Thinking about this actually brings me to tears, because I guess I just realized that everything I’d been told about God my whole life is true. He has a plan for me regardless of the plans I have for myself. This year, instead of being depressed that I am growing another year older, a problem that has persisted since I turned 14, I am going to be happy that God has allowed me to grow and learn for a little bit longer.