Dorienne's Log

Today, I spoke with someone with whom I had not conversed in what seemed like ages. It was amazing to me….She seemed so very much the same and I felt like I had “aged” some ten years since the last time we had seen one another. The same things that anger the both of us were still there, but I felt the very strong need to remain positive and behave as a model Christian. However, I felt torn….We would shoot the breeze all the time about this or that, but always in negative terms, however, now I don’t want that negativity dragging me down anymore. For the first time since I joined my church, I felt truly changed. It felt very wrong for swears to come out of my mouth like I tried to today, and I don’t think I’ll be going down that road again. The whole situation seemed….just out of place….odd. There she stood, someone who I consider to be one of best…..my best friend, and at one point we were so very similar and today we seemed miles apart from one another.

I told her that I had joined the church, because I wasn’t sure if I’d told her earlier and she seemed VERY surprised, as I expected. We would go on about how stupid religion was for HOURS, but now I cannot see myself doing that anymore.

Today, I felt different. Today, I actually felt the change Jesus has made in me.

The next step is asking her to come to church with me. I’ll have to be crafty about it, but sometime in the not too distant future, I’ll ask her.

While I sat pondering over a problem that has been plaguing me for some time, I got to thinking that if this works out for the better, Jesus would have taken care of me. I then thought that if it did not work out, then this was all part of His plan too. Why does this come off as apathy to me?

Maybe I’m just so accustomed to stressing over situations because I had nowhere to turn, but now that I do, I’m just not used to it….? Maybe….?

I’m really tired right now, so it’s too hard to continue thinking about this…for now anyway.

In the past seven days, I have learned more about life than I had ever thought possible. I’ve learned that there will never be real justice in this world because there will always be someone out there who believes that he or she is above the rules that govern everyone else. I’ve learned that the vast majority of everyone I will ever meet will prove to be weak and will falter if someone like me is not there to stand strong and willing. Most of all, I have learned that no one in this world can be trusted. Everyone changes, often times for the worst, and those in whom you have put trust and faith will ultimately let you down in the end. It is a harsh reality with which I must come to terms and I cannot say that I am pleased with the life lessons brought to me in the past seven days. Actions were performed, actions that could have been amended, actions that though they were surely wrong, could have been mollified to make the lives of everyone involved easier, but they were not.

I want to wash my hands of the entire thing and continue on as if nothing ever happened, but I cannot. I wish that some day, my intuition will prove incorrect. It frightens me that at such a young age, I can know that I am right in everything and PROVE to be right in everything. I know that when we first met him, he was not the malformed, integrity-lacking, rouge he proved to be in past days. He was a good person, yet he allowed himself to be associated with those I have repeatedly warned were not good people. I warned against associating with those who had true evil in their hearts, yet no one listened and here we sit today.

I wish I were one to forgive and forget, but I am not. My trust, my faith in everyone I know has been shaken. Who will be the next to “betray” me, I wonder? My unhappiness and anger at this situation has combined to form utter indifference. I do not care to meet anyone new, because I know, for certain now, that he or she will prove to be false in the end. It is times like these I wonder about God, and if He is all powerful and all knowing, why was this allowed to touch my life? Why do I need to learn these lessons? What was the point of all of this? How can coming this much closer to losing faith in all of humanity going to make me a better person? I have gained nothing from this experience except malcontent and the knowledge that I may actually be right all of the time. I don’t think I am ready to take on such responsibility this early in life….

Tired today…very, very tired, but it is nearly the end of the week.

My great aunt, it seems has Alzheimer’s and she has to be put in a nursing home.

I made my grandmother go crazy with worry by telling her the specifics of what happened when my mother fell off a goddamn ladder trying to paint the basement ceiling and broke her tooth, by her hitting her jaw, in the process.

I made both my mother and grandmother feel terrible when, upon seeing the nice warm slippers Grandma got my mother for her birthday, I said that Grandma loves her more than me, causing Grandma to send $20 of her fixed income to me for no real reason. I don’t even need it….

My cousin is trying to get pregnant, and the fact that she’s having difficulties and the fact that my other aunt could not have kids and the fact that my own mother had trouble having kids, which is why I’m an only child, makes me feel sad and depressed about knowing, if (IF) I ever find someone and get married, the possibility of not being able to have children of my own is very real.

I think I’m sick and Denzel Washington and Jodie Foster, my two favorite actors in the entire world, are starring in a movie together and I’m stressed that when I go see it this, it’s opening weekend, it will be terrible and I’ll have to feel different about the pair of them.

Spring break is almost over and haven’t done anything more than I’ve done earlier. I don’t even feel relaxed, just exhausted. The stress of school and graduation and finding a job and my family and my friends and the lack of having anyone in my life is starting to weigh on me like those stupid anti-smoking commercials with the squished kids.

I am happy, metaphorically speaking, about something that shouldn’t concern me and even if it went down, I would still get over it. Even if we could make it work, it still wouldn’t work and yet I still get stressed over the idea of it.

All my friends are going out tonight, to get nice and wasted and yet I have to be in bed by midnight so that I can be up and six-fucking-o’clock in the morning to spend another day at a job earning $13.40 an hour and contemplating my future, all the while wondering if any of this is worth it.

I wish I were a different person. I wish I was taller, thinner, smarter, prettier, more religious, happier, more energetic, lighter or darker or just all the same complexion all over, had less acne, was in love someone who loved me, had an all black kitten that I could call either Hermione or Puppy and not be allergic. I wish I were a writer, a teacher, pianist, cellist, violinist, web designer, better flutist, singer, runner or simply an athlete all together. I wish I could turn 25 and stay there forever. I wish I could sit and watch my favorite movies all day long and never tire of them. I wish I could eat anything covered in Alfredo sauce and never get full or sick from it. I wish that all sweet things would stay sweet and pretty things stay pretty, that people never died or grew old or sick of one another. I wish I knew for certain if there was a heaven or hell or an after life or if life was the real hell and I’ll be doomed to keep living this evil circle over and over until I am amongst those alive when the rapture occurs, or when the sun starts to die and I have to make the choice of either staying behind on the earth to be burned away by the dying sun or leave the one I love, because at least hopefully in one of my lives, I’ll be in love, and hop on the last of the space shuttles leaving the earth in search of a new planet to inhabit and destroy.

I wish I had the strength to remember where I was going with this post.

And, I’m so very tired.