Dorienne's Log

This past week has been so ridiculously busy, I haven’t had the time to even think straight.

First, American Idol, then EGB, then class and then whatever else

So, Mandisa got kicked off of American Idol. WTF?!?!?! She had a standing ovation when she was standing there in front of everyone. It’s just so damn ridiculous, I can’t stand it. She was THE best one. Though, I’m certain she never would have one the title itself, she definitely should have been in the top five! But anyways….

So, I’ve been interrupted for the past two hours to deal with another EGB thing. I hate when people don’t say what they mean. I hate when people are weak and simply cannot stand their ground. I hate when people allow themselves to be badgered into actions they know are wrong. I hate that everyone insists on making all issues grey when they are clearly black and white. I hate that people make such a big deal out bullshit that will not be remembered in three years. What is wrong with the rest of the world that only I can see the world as it truly is? Anyways, fuck ’em all….

I forgot what I had to say about class…oh well, couldn’t have been all that important.

I don’t understand why people allow themselves to change for the worst. Why don’t people take the chance to look back on their lives every so often and grade how they have changed in a positive or negative light? I do it all the time, and feel like even if I’ve changed for the worst, at least I recognize the problem and can do things in attempts to rectify the situation. What is wrong with the world?!?

Why do I allow other people’s problems to become my own? Why do I always feel like “Your fight is my fight” all the time, when sometimes, often, I really don’t care.

I’m so disappointed in him right now, I don’t know what to do. “Drop the violation.” What are you crazy? Do you really think she’s taken complete leave of her senses or that ANYONE at this stage in the game would allow her to even consider that? Jesus Christ, it’s insanity! And now, bringing ‘ole Dad in to save the day just completes the nonsense. How could anyone ever think that this appropriate? It’s fucking Undergraduate Student Government! Every year it changes, and every year less than a quarter of the university even gives a damn. Oh, how I wish I were part of that damn seventy-five percent! It’s just ludicrous to me that anyone could feel that this is so important that it warrants suspending actions in the REAL fucking WORLD to do. How about a duty to the state and it’s citizens? Obviously that doesn’t matter at all. I’m so happy that our electoral process is such that this nonsense of a man can remain a judge.

As for all the people who “hate” her now, fuck them too! Honestly, if you are too ignorant or just don’t care enough to participate in all the functions of your own damn campaign, how the hell is anyone suppose to assume that you will function on Senate? And by the way, again, three years from now, NO ONE WILL CARE! God!

I cannot stand the argument that “oh, we didn’t know what they were doing.” Who the hell cares? Ignorance does not absolve you from responsibility! Period!!

What irritates me most of all is that I’ve never been one to forgive and forget. I’ll never truly forgive her just leaving for a terrorist nation and lying about. I’ll never forgive Kay who ridiculed me in the fourth grade. I’ll never forgive Emily for assuming that I wasn’t as intelligent as she in the third grade. The list goes on and on. And while I know that they will move on, and forgive and love each other forever and whatever, I know that I’ll never be able to forgive such nonsensical behaviour. I know that if something that infuriated me when I was a child has the same effect thirteen years later, it does not matter how much times goes by, this situation will ALWAYS be in the back of my mind, until the end.

Sigh….onto other irritating things….

So, this girl….I don’t know what irritates me more, her or her fricken family that allows her to be this way. I want to feel sorry for her, but I’m making every attempt not to be. She has everything and has been raised in fricken luxury and will probably never be normal. I have to recognize that I’ll never be able to change that….but I can’t help but want to do so. I want to help and that’s the problem. I want to be the one to knock some sense into her, literally if need be. Why am cursed with compassion at inopportune times?

I spent so much money today, but I cannot even begin to feel bad about it. It’s not like I spent it all in one lump sum that’ll have to be paid at the end of the month or sooner. God bless the Macy’s card and the Coach store in said store. That damn bag makes me so happy, I could cry. I tried to make it out of the store without buying anything unnecessary, but I was sucked in by perfect marketing. When performed so well, I cannot help but stand in vapid admiration and allow them to bring up my card number again and again. I only spent about three hundred dollars total in Macy’s and considering I was about to buy one bag for more than that, I think I made off well. I did not like, however, looking the way I did as I shopped. I should have been “dressed,” and yet I was not and so felt less than I should have. I also did not like having to drive off in my POS car after having spent so much money on bags and shoes and sunglasses and such.

I saw someone from my high school in the store and I fled. I did not want to see her and it did not even have to do with the whole weight thing. I told myself a while ago, I wanted to cut off relationships with everyone from my high school, and this was the first time, I’d actually acted in conjunction with this wish. I did not seek her out to say the stupid, “hey did you go to North?” nonsense. It’s been four years and it’s past time for me to stop remembering those I should not.

Weight. It’s been going up and up and it does not appear to be climaxing at any time soon. Yesterday, I went for a long run/walk thing; I worked out for 2 miles at least. I bought new running shoes and two new sport bras, just to make it that much easier for me to do what is necessary. I’ve also decided that the only way I’ll be able to stay on a somewhat “steady” diet is to become a part-time vegan. On days that I work out, I must eat vegan and consume no artificial sugars; no splenda or aspartame, basically no soda or Crystal Light or juice or whatever. I don’t know what this will do, but at least I can keep myself out of hunger for a few days while staying true to a diet. I’ve just got to lose this weight. I’ve got really about fifty pounds to lose. Just thinking about it makes me kind of dizzy and nauseous.

Oh Jesus. Someone from high school has just IMed me….

Okay, so we’re going to do the stupid chit-chat thing for a while, until one of us stops responding and that’s the end….

And he’s here again….if they’re having his friends over here again, I’m putting my foot down….on his chest. I’m tired of having his friends over here. It’s not my fault that he’s a 23 year old who lives with his parents. Get a decent job and move out of your parent’s place! Then, you all can laugh stupidly at ignorant jokes and drink all the Guiness and Rolling Rock you want all the fricken day long….at your own house! It’s not even the fact that’s he’s here all the time, but the fact that he brings his friends over here; that’s the problem. We, as in those who are on the lease, are not friends with any of his friends! That constitutes a major problem! And so help me God, if she doesn’t give up the parking pass tomorrow….there may actually be bloodshed.

Sigh….

I’m going to finish eating my pizza (haha!) and drinking my soda (haha, again) and play the game I bought today during my shopping spree. I shall see how tomorrow goes. Will there be fun in the cards or will there be drama? Only time shall tell.