Dorienne's Log

Not much has happened in the past week: my step-brother got married, and that was kind of nice, especially since they have two kids together, but the fact is they did get married. The reception was nice though because I got to spend some time with my step-sibs and cousins and it’s always nice to hang out with a bunch of people my own age for a while. I had a little to drink at the reception, but between the ride home with my parents and the sobering conversation I later had with my mother, all was well for the drive home.

Classes are wrapping up, but I feel no closer to achieving anything, so of course it’s time to set some deadlines/goals for myself.
1) Finish A Ten-Minute Speech by 26 September 2006
– this one is not important in the present, but it could mean the difference between doing what I want to do with my life and doing what I have to do just to make ends meet. Not to mention that this is way overdue. I first put pen(cil) to paper for this thing when I was eleven years old, and eleven years later I still don’t have it completed. NO book should take that long. I’ve “finished” it a couple of times, but it’s never truly been complete. It’s not just the act of completing the book by this deadline, it’s the act of completing something in total. I can’t remember the last time I actually successfully completed anything save for a sentence I was speaking. My birthday marks the beginning of my adult years, and if I can’t complete SOMETHING by the beginning of my adulthood, I might as well stop now. If I can’t finish this book, I have no business even pretending like I want to begin writing others.

2) Get an A in my 139 class.
– There’s no excuse for me not getting an A in this class, and at this point I think I simply need it for my psyche. It’s like, if I could just get the ball rolling, then everything would fall into place.

3) Lose ten pounds by my birthday.
– I’ve been trying to lose this weight since I started to gain and now that I’ve got nearly 100 lbs to get off of me, things are starting to look dire. I went shopping with my mother yesterday, I just looking at myself in the dressing room mirror, made me slightly naseous. I remember when not too long ago, I would have looked at someone who looked like me and giggled to myself wondering how anyone could ever let it get so bad. I guess I had never counted on depression weighing in on the subject. Get it, weighing in….Anyway, a month is MORE than enough time to drop ten pounds. It’s the same old, same old: eat right and exercise, but the when and where causes the issues.

4) No more McDonald’s breakfast. Period.
– If I’m ever going to make a dent in #3, this is a must. I must give up McDonald’s breakfast forever. Given that it was the only thing I ever ate there, I think I just have to go with edict that I just can’t eat at McDonald’s ever again. Probably not ever again, but at least until my birthday in ’07. There’s not nutritional value from it and really it’s not even that satisfying. Feeling the grease and fat from an Egg McMuffin or a hash brown, makes me feel my heart actually congealing. I don’t want to put myself in a position where I could have a heart attack 20-25 years before that should even be a concern. I can do better. I will do better. I guess this isn’t so much a quitting McDonald’s idea as a living a better, healthier life.

5) Read the Bible from Genesis to Revelation.
– I started this goal a few years ago, and got wholly bogged down by the pages and pages of “begets,” but I think that all Christians should read the whole thing from beginning to end (literally). Even if I don’t understand all of it, even if it does contradict itself, even if it inevitably makes me question my faith in the end, I’ve got until 26 September 2007 to get this goal accomplished. I’ve even got a Bible-reading guide. There’s no reason to get this one done.

…and the little things before the end of this year:
a) Finish my The X-Files website
b) Recode my Calvin and Hobbes website
c) Get an A in Ochem
d) Do Something Great

…time to go a-complishing.

I’ve been busy, naturally, and I honestly, I can barely remember anything signicant happening the past couple of weeks. Yesterday however fell just short of amazing.

I was sitting at my computer, trying desperately to make the lightbox on my church’s website work, when time simply caught up with me. I missed Sunday School, the first time since I had started going, and no one from the church had gotten back with me about when our young adult choir was supposed to meet and where I was supposed to go and everything….I guess it is worth mentioning that I did join the young adult choir the saturday before last. The choir director even gave me a special part to sing on my own….

Anyway, I’d made up my mind that I was just not going to sing and by that point, late for Sunday School had turned into late for church in general and I was feeling worse and worse. When I finally left for church, I was in a ridiculously foul mood and with no viable food in the house, I had to eat McDonald’s again and by the time I got to church I was ready to burst into tears. Nothing was wrong in particular, the day was just going horribly. I snuck in just before the choir was about to come in and basically kept my head down. I just felt angry and upset and in just a poor mood. When they started singing, however, I could feel my demeanor changing for the better and when it was time for the announcements, the choir director motioned for me to come up and join them. I was going to hesitate, but figured I’d go anyway. The look on my pastor’s face when I started to go up to the choir stands was priceless. The song with my little solo was already over, but I was happy to be up there singing with everyone else, regardless of the fact that I didn’t know the words. By the end of church, I was in such a good mood it was unbelievable. That much of a positive influence from two hours of church…..it’s still amazing to me. My good mood has been ongoing since I left the church yesterday. Perhaps it’s because I can’t seem to get our church songs out of my head, but nevertheless…..I don’t know…

My mother said to me while we were at dinner on Sunday that “something” knew that I was about to sing in the choir and didn’t want it to happen. I’m not one to always assume that the devil makes me feel negative. I am still under the belief that there’s enough straight negativity and evil in people without there being a need for some supreme evil being. I think it’s far more plausible that God was punishing me for my vanity and pride over a choir practice that surprised myself. Anyway, all that matters, is that now I feel good….for once.

That vanity thing though…sometimes it’s ridiculous. I wonder how someone like myself, who’s not overly pretty, can be so vain so often…

…and there goes my good mood.