Dorienne's Log

I went to church even though neither of my parents were going and I just stuck my hand up at the opportune time and won a piano. Of course, it will have to stay at my parents house until…well, probably forever, but it’s the principle of the thing. This past Sunday, I don’t think I’d ever felt so loved by so many souls at any point in my life. They did the welcoming and I had to participate since I was still technically new, and it just felt wonder to be welcomed and accepted like that….sigh.

I find myself actively excited about church and Jesus nowadays; it’s kind of weird. Weird in that it does not feel foreign or abhorrent to me, but there’s that still small voice within me that’s says that it should. It’s a bit like that saying that anything that feels this good and positive must be “sinful” or wrong. But it’s not, that’s the thing. I’ve been working on our church’s website: www.lincolnparkcbc.com. It still needs a lot of work, such as losing the frames and the applets and the deprecated tags….there’s loads to do. I’m working on the new area here: www.lincolnparkcbc.com/new/; well, actually, under my own domain until I work out all the bugs with each page: www.doriennesmith.com/working/new/.
In my endeavours with the site, I found this Bible verse search website: BibleGateway.com. It’s pretty cool. I love finding new ways of bringing my faith into the 21st century.

Our pastor talked a lot about money yesterday, which is one of those main things that has always driven me away from churches, yet this time, it did seem sincere. The church was just stifling yesterday, mostly because we were packed in there so tight, and he had a point about raising money to cover some our building debts so that we could build a new building if we wanted. The money thing wasn’t his actual sermon, so I didn’t really feel offended for once. He did get me thinking, though, about tithing and its impact on my life. I want to tithe. Honestly, I do, but I just don’t think I can afford to do so. It’s sad, not being able to afford God’s blessings….I know it’s not a complete statement, but that’s just how it feels. Ten percent of my weekly pay is fifty dollars a week and that’s just right now. What about when I’m not working at all? I just see myself in mid-February with no money and not actually destitute, so I would never feel comfortable going to the church for help, but severely poor nonetheless and sorely wishing that I had saved my fifty dollars a week for myself. I don’t want to be angry with my church for my own doings, but at the same time, I feel so utterly guilty that I don’t know if I can do it. A part of me is already upset about it, but then again….A part of me asks, “What ever happened to giving what you could?” while another side of me thinks back to yesterday, when I was only going to give the extra change I had in my wallet, my Coach wallet I’d bought with my own money, and then my extra dollar, and instead gave all that plus the five I was saving for whatever reason. Looking back, I know that if I hadn’t given up that I five, later this week I would be saying to myself, “Dorienne, forget your zeal of refusing to eat any fast food and any french fries from any place for the month of July. Use your five bucks and get you something quick to eat at lunch at work.” Instead, my five dollars went to a better cause in both regards. I will remain on my “diet” for a little while longer, and the church is five dollars closer to being out of debt. I know deep down that no harm would befall me if I chose to give my ten percent, but at the same, I am still in a grey area religion-wise; an area where logic often overrules faith. The trouble is, I don’t know how long I’ll stay there.

Woot! I’m so happy I don’t have to go to work tomorrow. When I realized it on the drive home I perked up a bit after feeling so ridiculously angry and depressed. Angry at people being jerks and depressed that I’d have to deal with people I just can’t stand for yet another week.

Anyway, I’ve been coming with loads of ideas for things to spruce up our church’s website. Like I said earlier, it’s really quite fun.

I’ve started writing again. Woot! If I can just get this part of A Ten Minute Speech done, I can finish the whole thing in just a matter of weeks. It’s just that this hospital “scene” seems to be going on forever. It really isn’t that long….well actually it is right now, but when one looks at the finished product in its entirety, it won’t be that long. But at least at this point, I’ve got a timeline mapped out and I feel comfortable with how it’s going.

I don’t know if it’s the Miles Davis or the euphoria that comes with an extreme lack of sleep, but I feel pretty happy right now. It’s time to talk of other things; of something-something and sealing wax and cabbages and kings. And why the sea is boiling hot and whether fish have wings….