Dorienne's Log

I’ve found a spider on my window and now I am fearful of approaching the area surrounding the window. The bug people are coming today; maybe they can take care of some of the problem as they spray for bees.

I’ve been doing a lot of work my The X-Files site and thus learning info on Ms. Anderson and such, and it’s got me thinking about how much I hate Hollywood. This of course, follows the knowledge of Hollywood making a film about September 11th. Rage actually flows through my veins when I think about the audacity of these people. How dare they think after less than five years it even remotely appropriate to show a film about the tragedy? I hope it bombs harder than the US over Iraq. My hope is that anyone who has anything to do with that film, never works in any venue ever again. May they all fester in unemployment lines and die of starvation thereafter. The very idea of it is nauseating. As if Michael Moore was not bad enough, now we have Hollywood jumping on the September 11th romanticism band-wagon. I just can’t stand it.

I was about to join a Facebook group about hating people, when I realized that it took a lot of nerve to join any hate group, even if it was all about hating the stupid. Hate is something to be written and put away so that it does not come to light and delve the world deeper into its own madness. Joining a group about hating people makes me hate the people who were on the damn thing.

I’ve got to start studying more. I’ve wasted forty dollars on the newest Sims 2 expansion and really it was not worth it. I’ve no desire to use the new features; it hasn’t added anything to the game. Why do I allow myself to wallow in my own damn stupidity?

I woke up today certain I was dying; no one’s throat could hurt that much and yet there be nothing terminally wrong. Of course, it was only my amygdala going crazy, but that’s why it’s there…

I finished the Daria project, but there are so many things that need to be done that I know I am just going to curl up and let them grow to the point where everything blows up in my face. That’s been the way of my world for the past decade anyhow.

Sometimes, I wish that no one at all cared about me. That way I would never have anyone to disappoint, but myself. Why does everything have to be so important and build on everything else? What if I don’t want to be a leader? What if I just want to sit a room away from the world until the end? What is really wrong with that? I’m beginning to cherish the days when I could go for hours and hours without saying a word to anyone else. When, at the end of the day, I can count on one hand, the number of people with whom I’ve conversed, it feels like a good day. It probably shouldn’t, and when I’m old and grey, I’ll probably regret having “wasted” all this time, but for now, it feels good.

Time to begin a new project, and maybe begin those that really matter as well.

I’m feeling better today. Maybe it was that I got to veg and watch tv for a bit. Maybe it was the good night/morning’s sleep I got. Or perhaps that I was up until the wee hours of the morning cleaning and getting myself prepared for today. It was probably the latter.

I’m no better shape than I was days ago, but at least I feel like things have the possibility of going up instead of further into the abyss.

Tonight, I am going to sit down and really write for once. I’m going to try to get as much done as possible on MMS. The entire ending will probably need to be re-written, so I know I’ll have to just sit down and write it out. I waste too much time trying to think creatively on a computer. It has never worked in the past and I don’t see as how it will start now.

Also, he wishes to speak to me about everything. I don’t really know what’s left to say. Basically, his actions have caused me to lose faith in everyone I know. And unfortunately for him, I’m not her. I don’t forgive and forget. I knew they were going to get back together; it was almost a given. I’m just happy that after a few months, the whole thing will no longer a problem of mine. I want to say vindictively that I can’t wait for him to show his true self all over again to her and for her to be just as angry about, but go right back into it, but I don’t truly feel that way. I’m fine with whatever because come September, this will cease to be my problem.

But now, for a shower and some preparation for class today. Hopefully, I’ll make some headway in the re-write….

So, I couldn’t even achieve a goal I wanted to achieve….I don’t even have anything to add to this. I could rant on about what’s the point of going on when I can’t do the things I want to do and such, but I won’t. Life sucks, people suck. It’s these bright sunny days that make me really want to do it….

In the past seven days, I have learned more about life than I had ever thought possible. I’ve learned that there will never be real justice in this world because there will always be someone out there who believes that he or she is above the rules that govern everyone else. I’ve learned that the vast majority of everyone I will ever meet will prove to be weak and will falter if someone like me is not there to stand strong and willing. Most of all, I have learned that no one in this world can be trusted. Everyone changes, often times for the worst, and those in whom you have put trust and faith will ultimately let you down in the end. It is a harsh reality with which I must come to terms and I cannot say that I am pleased with the life lessons brought to me in the past seven days. Actions were performed, actions that could have been amended, actions that though they were surely wrong, could have been mollified to make the lives of everyone involved easier, but they were not.

I want to wash my hands of the entire thing and continue on as if nothing ever happened, but I cannot. I wish that some day, my intuition will prove incorrect. It frightens me that at such a young age, I can know that I am right in everything and PROVE to be right in everything. I know that when we first met him, he was not the malformed, integrity-lacking, rouge he proved to be in past days. He was a good person, yet he allowed himself to be associated with those I have repeatedly warned were not good people. I warned against associating with those who had true evil in their hearts, yet no one listened and here we sit today.

I wish I were one to forgive and forget, but I am not. My trust, my faith in everyone I know has been shaken. Who will be the next to “betray” me, I wonder? My unhappiness and anger at this situation has combined to form utter indifference. I do not care to meet anyone new, because I know, for certain now, that he or she will prove to be false in the end. It is times like these I wonder about God, and if He is all powerful and all knowing, why was this allowed to touch my life? Why do I need to learn these lessons? What was the point of all of this? How can coming this much closer to losing faith in all of humanity going to make me a better person? I have gained nothing from this experience except malcontent and the knowledge that I may actually be right all of the time. I don’t think I am ready to take on such responsibility this early in life….

Looking back at past entries, I feel the pressure rising. I’ve got just five days to complete something that should have been done long ago. I want to do it, I’m just so lazy….

I am going to go running today, sometime around four probably or just later then. EGB nonsense will be going crazy tonight and I don’t know if I want to be tired from a run or not.

I’ve been playing Final Fantasy VIII on my playstation and I’m not sure if I’m becoming obsessive compulsive or if I’ve got it under control. I want to play now, but need to write. Question is whether or not I can stop playing once I stop. There’s so much to do today and so much that needs to be accomplished; really accomplished, for the good of my life!

I’ve already wasted the day sleeping, but I’ve really been needing this. I haven’t even had the opportunity……..

I’ve been interrupted by old friends. Time to do other things in life.

This past week has been so ridiculously busy, I haven’t had the time to even think straight.

First, American Idol, then EGB, then class and then whatever else

So, Mandisa got kicked off of American Idol. WTF?!?!?! She had a standing ovation when she was standing there in front of everyone. It’s just so damn ridiculous, I can’t stand it. She was THE best one. Though, I’m certain she never would have one the title itself, she definitely should have been in the top five! But anyways….

So, I’ve been interrupted for the past two hours to deal with another EGB thing. I hate when people don’t say what they mean. I hate when people are weak and simply cannot stand their ground. I hate when people allow themselves to be badgered into actions they know are wrong. I hate that everyone insists on making all issues grey when they are clearly black and white. I hate that people make such a big deal out bullshit that will not be remembered in three years. What is wrong with the rest of the world that only I can see the world as it truly is? Anyways, fuck ’em all….

I forgot what I had to say about class…oh well, couldn’t have been all that important.

I don’t understand why people allow themselves to change for the worst. Why don’t people take the chance to look back on their lives every so often and grade how they have changed in a positive or negative light? I do it all the time, and feel like even if I’ve changed for the worst, at least I recognize the problem and can do things in attempts to rectify the situation. What is wrong with the world?!?

Why do I allow other people’s problems to become my own? Why do I always feel like “Your fight is my fight” all the time, when sometimes, often, I really don’t care.

I’m so disappointed in him right now, I don’t know what to do. “Drop the violation.” What are you crazy? Do you really think she’s taken complete leave of her senses or that ANYONE at this stage in the game would allow her to even consider that? Jesus Christ, it’s insanity! And now, bringing ‘ole Dad in to save the day just completes the nonsense. How could anyone ever think that this appropriate? It’s fucking Undergraduate Student Government! Every year it changes, and every year less than a quarter of the university even gives a damn. Oh, how I wish I were part of that damn seventy-five percent! It’s just ludicrous to me that anyone could feel that this is so important that it warrants suspending actions in the REAL fucking WORLD to do. How about a duty to the state and it’s citizens? Obviously that doesn’t matter at all. I’m so happy that our electoral process is such that this nonsense of a man can remain a judge.

As for all the people who “hate” her now, fuck them too! Honestly, if you are too ignorant or just don’t care enough to participate in all the functions of your own damn campaign, how the hell is anyone suppose to assume that you will function on Senate? And by the way, again, three years from now, NO ONE WILL CARE! God!

I cannot stand the argument that “oh, we didn’t know what they were doing.” Who the hell cares? Ignorance does not absolve you from responsibility! Period!!

What irritates me most of all is that I’ve never been one to forgive and forget. I’ll never truly forgive her just leaving for a terrorist nation and lying about. I’ll never forgive Kay who ridiculed me in the fourth grade. I’ll never forgive Emily for assuming that I wasn’t as intelligent as she in the third grade. The list goes on and on. And while I know that they will move on, and forgive and love each other forever and whatever, I know that I’ll never be able to forgive such nonsensical behaviour. I know that if something that infuriated me when I was a child has the same effect thirteen years later, it does not matter how much times goes by, this situation will ALWAYS be in the back of my mind, until the end.

Sigh….onto other irritating things….

So, this girl….I don’t know what irritates me more, her or her fricken family that allows her to be this way. I want to feel sorry for her, but I’m making every attempt not to be. She has everything and has been raised in fricken luxury and will probably never be normal. I have to recognize that I’ll never be able to change that….but I can’t help but want to do so. I want to help and that’s the problem. I want to be the one to knock some sense into her, literally if need be. Why am cursed with compassion at inopportune times?

I spent so much money today, but I cannot even begin to feel bad about it. It’s not like I spent it all in one lump sum that’ll have to be paid at the end of the month or sooner. God bless the Macy’s card and the Coach store in said store. That damn bag makes me so happy, I could cry. I tried to make it out of the store without buying anything unnecessary, but I was sucked in by perfect marketing. When performed so well, I cannot help but stand in vapid admiration and allow them to bring up my card number again and again. I only spent about three hundred dollars total in Macy’s and considering I was about to buy one bag for more than that, I think I made off well. I did not like, however, looking the way I did as I shopped. I should have been “dressed,” and yet I was not and so felt less than I should have. I also did not like having to drive off in my POS car after having spent so much money on bags and shoes and sunglasses and such.

I saw someone from my high school in the store and I fled. I did not want to see her and it did not even have to do with the whole weight thing. I told myself a while ago, I wanted to cut off relationships with everyone from my high school, and this was the first time, I’d actually acted in conjunction with this wish. I did not seek her out to say the stupid, “hey did you go to North?” nonsense. It’s been four years and it’s past time for me to stop remembering those I should not.

Weight. It’s been going up and up and it does not appear to be climaxing at any time soon. Yesterday, I went for a long run/walk thing; I worked out for 2 miles at least. I bought new running shoes and two new sport bras, just to make it that much easier for me to do what is necessary. I’ve also decided that the only way I’ll be able to stay on a somewhat “steady” diet is to become a part-time vegan. On days that I work out, I must eat vegan and consume no artificial sugars; no splenda or aspartame, basically no soda or Crystal Light or juice or whatever. I don’t know what this will do, but at least I can keep myself out of hunger for a few days while staying true to a diet. I’ve just got to lose this weight. I’ve got really about fifty pounds to lose. Just thinking about it makes me kind of dizzy and nauseous.

Oh Jesus. Someone from high school has just IMed me….

Okay, so we’re going to do the stupid chit-chat thing for a while, until one of us stops responding and that’s the end….

And he’s here again….if they’re having his friends over here again, I’m putting my foot down….on his chest. I’m tired of having his friends over here. It’s not my fault that he’s a 23 year old who lives with his parents. Get a decent job and move out of your parent’s place! Then, you all can laugh stupidly at ignorant jokes and drink all the Guiness and Rolling Rock you want all the fricken day long….at your own house! It’s not even the fact that’s he’s here all the time, but the fact that he brings his friends over here; that’s the problem. We, as in those who are on the lease, are not friends with any of his friends! That constitutes a major problem! And so help me God, if she doesn’t give up the parking pass tomorrow….there may actually be bloodshed.

Sigh….

I’m going to finish eating my pizza (haha!) and drinking my soda (haha, again) and play the game I bought today during my shopping spree. I shall see how tomorrow goes. Will there be fun in the cards or will there be drama? Only time shall tell.

Whew! Got those stupid license tags renewed and the pain in the ass that that entailed….
I’ve decided to not get a new fish, but the whole thing does piss me off since I just spent all this money on a brand new tank for the damn thing, but the tank is far too loud for my bedroom, so maybe it can be a living room thing someday, and I cannot return anything because I’ve already thrown out the boxes and crap. Lesson learned: always keep boxes and receipts until I know for certain whether or not I intend to keep the product.

I skipped two classes today. I had intended to do some writing, but ended up sleeping instead. Oh well. I need to start exercising more. It’s kind of, well more than kind of, ridiculous that I have so little energy, but I’m 21 years old. I should be at the prime of my life. Tonight, however, will be spent doing work of both the curricular and extracurricular kind. So, I’ve decided to setup a timeline, so that I can feel bad about myself when I don’t stick to it this time:

April 15, 2006: Complete second edit of A Ten Minute Speech ~ this is way over due. I should’ve completed this YEARS ago and I don’t know what has been holding me back. I just need to sit down and do it. I’ll be proud of myself in the end.

April 30, 2006: Have two chapters written for the first “Luka” book ~ this isn’t really asking too much of myself. Again, I just need to set aside time to do it.

May 5, 2006: Finish typing up Oreos and Twinkies ~ given that I’ve decided to completely change around the plot, the title, the characters and the book’s underlying meaning, this is also waaaay past due.

These are important, not so much for school, but to put myself in a position to be able to realize my dreams. Without meeting these goals, how will I ever achieve what I want in life?

The latest Bartleby has died…God, I can’t stand it!

Anyways, the rents are in Italy and I just now remembered that I need to have my tags renewed, but now I have to go through this entire Power of Attorney thing to get them changed. It’s so ridiculous, I can’t stand it. And now my car needs a whole bunch of shit done for it. So, now I’ll have to pay for even more crap.

But, now I’ve created a The Simpsons playlist and I’d much rather be doing other things….

Stupid fish!

I haven’t done much this week. The rents are in Italy and threatening to bring me back jars of air and “Italian” ice as souvenirs. I am feeling much better though; surprise, surprise. Hopefully, since this is all behind me for the month, I can get a good start on tomorrow. The next time I go to the doctor, I will definitely ask about this. There’s no way it can be normal.

Today is I’ve spent working on the website, and I’ll figure out what to do with Bartleby tomorrow. He’ll be fine in the cup in which he previously lived. I can’t believe I wasted money on a stupid tank with a filter. Eventually, I’ll stop being lazy; my whole life will be better off that way….